Why We Don’t Have Jurassic Park

POIGNANT BEATINGS, VIVACIOUS DUST-REPTILES!

AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL 2018 IT IS, MY FRIENDS!

Completely free of multiple-tonne lizards with a penchant for face-meat. No robotized army wearing the faces of our loved ones, and not a single vampire coven, werewolf den, or zombie uprising has occurred, and we’ve almost made it through the year! Amazing isn’t it?

AND YET!

A bellowing Cheeto runs ‘Murica, the planet is making great strides in using nature to kill us (flying spiders can’t be far now), we’ve pooped in every viable resource on the planet and you would think that is the worst of it all. . .

. . . Forgive me, for I know not what I’ve delved from the pits of hell.

HEVISAURUS – RAYH!

NUTSHELL: One fortuitous day as he had taken his offspring to a children’s concert, a pre-costume MIRKA RANTANEN was inspired to begin writing heavy metal music targeted at kids. After assembling a gaggle of other like-minded individuals, and taking on the drum persona of “Komppi Momppi”, Paleo-Finnish HEVISAURUS was born from the amber. Upon closing your eyes you will hear vague-whims of bands link ALESTORM, KAMELOT, or ANGRA. Not only was their 2012 album “Kadonneen Louhikäärmeen Arvoitus” able to make it all the way to number one on their musical boards, but as a costume-wearing specifically for kids, the act is transmutable to different languages! They not only have their own theme park that they helped open with the assistance of THE DUDESONS, but the act exists in other countries, performed in their associated language.

HEVISAURUS – SAURUSARMEIJA

And then I come across this video, which kind of just looks like an advert for child labour? I’m 99% sure this whole thing is the actors in the costumes being shit-faced plastered whilst getting kids under the age of 7 to drive their tour bus, move their gear, and run the door for them, letting only children in. THE UNDERTOOOOONNNNEEEEESSS!

HEVISAURUS – AARREJAHTI

Lore? OH, YOU BET YER TIP-NIPPLES, BUD!

65 million years ago on the “Mountain of Wizards”, five dinosaur eggs (somehow metallic in nature) survive unaccosted until 2009 when a group of witches gathered on the same mountain. As they gathered, a huge lightning bolt came down and struck the eggs, revealing them to the sisters, and through their chants, five Hevisaurus are born. Leather-clad and studded, with metal burning through their veins, they set out to find their place in the world.

Ain’t they something? I may not understand what Europe’s boner for full stage show bands in heavy props/regalia is, but I LIKE IT! From GWAR, to LORDI, to the gentle=peeps in HEVI, I hate to say it. . . but they are definitely doing something right.

ANYCLAY, DIG YA LATER, BONEHEADS!

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