Necropolis – or why witches REALLY LOVE black leather

Holy mother of Crap..  Praise Satan or something because I can’t really believe I got talked into doing another one of these so soon..  My awesome and hilariously drunken review of Witchboard 3: the Possession is less than a week old and already I’m hard at work, on the liquor and reviewing for your pleasure..  (actually it’s just my day off and I drove by the liquor store and was like..  hmm I could really go for a Caesar right now – and for my American followers thats like a Bloody Mary except Canadian).

Anyways, due to our recent puchase of 130 vintage horror tapes from the local movie store, I’ve had a lot of material come into my possession and of course my hetero life mate took it upon himself to WATCH WITHOUT ME the greatest treasure of horror cinema..  Necropolis!  i had to hear about it afterwards and at “white haired witch, ectoplasm titties, glowing pentagram ring” I was immediately sold.

So I have for you, my troubled, drunken and potentially hilarious review of Necropolis:

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The movie poster here really makes you think there’s a shitload more to the movie than there actually is, because it might show zombie creatures on the cover but they are pretty much only in there for about six minutes, so don’t get your hopes up..  If you’re looking for top notch gore and makeup this film is definitely not for you..  if however you want to watch a film with ass and tits, black leather, black eyeshadow and the worst dialogue ever, then this is definitely your kind of flick..  and since I am always trashy, never classy this appealed to me on many sick levels.

If you were unable to glean from my previous blogs where I wax idiotic about my deep love for all things gothy and witchy, then allow me to say right now that I am deep down a very scared and immature girl fending off my demons with dark clothes and a Cure album, and anything that resembles foxy witches or has 80s shoulder pads is an immediate yes for me.

So the movie starts out and I guess it’s supposed to be all old timey..  like 1600s old timey or some shit, and there’s this pretty random ass and obvious witch WITH CRAZY AMOUNTS OF BLACK EYELINER/EYESHADOW on, it’s pretty ridiculous.  I’m pretty sure women could be accused of witchcraft for walking to sunday Service with their heads uncovered during this time, so straight up dancing around the woods in a black robe with black makeup on was probably a burnable offense?  I can’t say for certain, but I’m assuming.

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is your name eyeshadow?

Also there’s a black priest chasing after her through the woods and doing a pretty shitty job of it, might I add, and at one point he’s literally probably twelve feet or so behind her and she turns suspiciously around and he ducks crappily behind a fallen log.  I’m thinking he ducked down and didn’t lay down because the dry cleaning bill in order to clean the costumes they borrowed from the town’s theatre production company would probably have put this movie way over budget.

The witch is going to her creepy lair where there’s also just randomly a huge metal pentagram with a skull on top where she proceeds to strip off her wooly black robe and we find she’s wearing bikini cut black satin panties, and a lace bodysuit, tits out of course and huzzah a new wave soundtrack kicks in and she starts doing some creepy interpretive witch dance which looks a little bit like that bit from Donnie Darko where the fat Chinese girl dances around while some soundtrack of children’s music moans in the background..

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WHAT DOES IT MEAN

I think the only difference is that the witch lady with the white hair is spinning around and jutting her boobs out.  At this point my loving life mate told me quite matter of factly, “you know I looked this actress up on IMDB and she’s not even a stripper.”  Regardless of potentially taking her clothes off for money, this woman DOES NOT have any rhythm and she just sort of gyrates around for a while in some sacrifice to Satan?  At some point there’s some other witches/warlocks/cult members/random people who wandered into the cave and the witch pulls out what looks to be a Cabbage Patch doll in order to do some voodoo on a girl in their town that she hates, who is marrying some douchey guy in a robe?  It never really says why the witch hates this woman, or if she just wants to fuck that girl’s soon to be husband, but regardless she starts doing some evil magic on that poor unfortunate Cabbage Patch doll.

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Cabbage Patch Kid voodoo, the worst and most adorable kind

Also at this point I realized the witch’s lair in this movie resembled the set of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” music video, which is great because that song is going to be stuck in my fucking head for the next week so that’s pretty awesome I guess.

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sup

Also actually now that I just YouTube’d that video, I’m pretty sure that Billy Idol and the white haired witch from Necropolis may be the same person..  There’s a whole lot of bleached hair, candles, and black leather clad asses gyrating, so that’s good.  They could be friends!

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completely reasonable attire for the 1600s

So I guess in the mean time the town’s folk have all figured out that this chick is a witch (I mean duh, just look at her eyeliner), and they figure out exactly where her hidden lair is and then they all come to kick her ass, take her name and send her to hell and the black priest stabs her with a cross, which is pretty shitty.

Fast forward randomly to the future and we find the white haired beauty has reincarnated into pretty much the exact same person, except now she’s rocking Siouxsie Sioux’s look HARD and has a red motorbike and I’m assuming a big fucking bag of cocaine on her person..  Come on it was the 1980’s, that shit was practically legal.

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the original eyeliner queen

As to the how and why the witch reincarnated to be her exact same self just in a black leather coat, the movie never actually explains, but she does have a pretty crappy looking motorbike, big ass hooker red fingernails and is basically dressed like a dead hooker.

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whoa sweet i reincarnated into the same lace bodysuit that’s dope as fuck

Okay so let me just say right here that after I realigned my jaw from where it had fallen into an aghast expression, my boyfriend informed me that the director of Necropolis IS KNOWN for this movie..  Like somewhere out there is a dude who can say in conversation that Necropolis was his Magnum Opus which is pretty alright..  I mean I didn’t direct it, and I’m sitting here writing about it and it came out in 1987 so it has to have some staying power (tits and ass).  I think I made a joke in there about how he’s like the guy who directed the first Lost Boys movie…  but it turns out that guy did actually direct other stuff, so I had egg on my face with that one.

Okay, back to the white haired witch goddess lady, she’s all riding her motorbike acting super hard and she goes to this weird, what appears to be metaphysical shop/pawn shop/junk store and there’s some guy rockin’ around in a red vest inside looking like the poor man’s Jimi Hendrix, and she goes inside and acts foxy a bit and then literally pounds on the counter all OI SHOPKEEP!

Can you do that in metaphysical shops?  I’ve been in my fair share of witchy shops over the years and I certainly wouldn’t want to just barge in and slam on the counter..  I’d be too distracted by Nag Champa incense filling my mouth, and Enya music in the background.  Plus every metaphysical shop is usually staffed by someone who looks like this:

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pictured: someone taking themselves way too seriously

So I guess since this is a movie and I have suspended my disbelief, there’s a creepy Middle Eastern dude instead running this shoddy business and the white haired witch is all I WANT THE DEVILS RING I SAW IT ADVERTISED.  She definitely verbatim says that..  And I was thinking, do witchcraft stores even have ads?  Where would those run?  In the Penny Saver (there’s a line from the movie Juno going through my head “yeah like right next to the used fitness equipment and exotic pets and stuff, it’s like totally legit”)?  And if you had the supposed ring of the Devil, why the hell would you advertise that?  Who would be buying it?  I mean obviously aside from weird goth kids. that white haired witch and Rob Zombie:

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ah yes shopkeep, i am here to procure, how do you call it, the devils ring? also do you have a bathroom i could use

Anyways…  buddy in the vest isn’t able to make with the Devils Ring and that pisses the witch off (she’s really angry pretty well through the whole film), and he tells her he sold it to some black guy and apparently it’s the reincarnated version of the black priest who was her doom in the 1600s and she’s all CURSES and then hypnotizes him with her spooky voice and makes him lose his hearing and then his eardrums pop and he bleeds from the ears and then he’s dead..  which is..  confusing to say the very least.  I was not aware you could be ear drummed to death, and I am a certified medical professional..  Must have been all those classes I slept through or some shit.

Alright then we’re treated to more fucked up gothic flashdance in the basement of this witchcraft store, she dances around a bit and is all fondling herself and really just BUSTING out of this leather skirt she’s wearing.  Honestly it was not sexy at all, it was just in the whole DO NOT WANT category.  Between the Bozo the Clown makeup and dead hooker panties it’s just a bad scenario that probably smells like something in between dirty ashtray with lipstick smeared butts and can of Aqua Net.

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ensuring your hair is hurricane proof, and also putting holes in the ozone layer!

Soo..  after that weird little dance sequence the film just cuts to some real cool dudes smoking/loitering outside the Neighborhood Center which turns out to be less of a Boys and Girls Club and more of a drug rehab burn out clinic which is run by this black priest who is being pretty legit and taking in kids off the street to get them away from dope and turning tricks, and listening to that darn rap music..  I don’t even know…  this movie actually doesn’t even try to explain anything it just keeps barreling forward.  See I find that horror movies either over explain absolutely every tiny ass detail down to the point where you will want to kill yourself while the director focuses intensely on that creepy piece of moss for like ten minutes in order to show you some deep meaning that no one would ever understand ever, or they just explain fuck all and expect that their audience is on the same freaky mixture of drugs/booze/illicit sex that they are and will just automatically understand their wavelength.  I’m assuming that since this was the 1980’s and cocaine was pretty rad, that the director was just Scarface-ing it up and burying his face into piles of the Marching Powder.  You know he was.

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buddy clearly never heard the saying “a little dab will do ya”

So the witch lady goes to this center and starts acting (poorly) all tripped out in order to talk to the black priest, and they have this weird exchange where he tried to give her a cross and she’s all HISSS AHH and he’s like oh obviously all crackheads are afraid of crosses and thinks pretty much nothing of it.

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AHH IT BURNSSSS

So I guess she realizes he doesn’t have the ring on him and goes back to her house to change into another hideous outfit, worship some freaky papier mache mask thing and generally be angry.

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i dunno

The movie just cuts randomly to some backstory about the priest getting kids off the street and he’s doing an interview with a woman featuring one of his reformed junkies who says he was turning tricks until the priest scooped him up..  he also liberally uses the word fag because that was also acceptable in the 1980s, and then buddy starts all tripping out because the creepy witch got some sexy power from her gross dance and is all up in his brain matter and then he kills himself in front of everyone?

Then some tough talking cop shows up and he pretty well picks up the interviewing woman at a murder scene, which seems classy and also acceptable and not at all creepy.

Cut randomly to the white haired witch raising the dead somewhere and these zombies literally look so bad, I’m pretty sure some of them are just people from the adult day care center that they slapped some fake sores and black robes on and told them to drool in the general direction of the camera.  I mean yes, alright, zombies don’t take much, but fucking up zombies this bad is sort of a travesty..  then again, I’m almost certain this guy was balls deep in a plate of blow the size of Mount Everest and it might also explain why that white haired witch was so angry!

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Cut back to the Neighborhood Center murder investigation and there’s a pretty fabulous coroner and that tough talking cop making all sorts of judgements about all sorts of people.  He basically insinuates that only a black priest would over see a bunch of kids on dope because black means crack in that guy’s racist ass mind.  Honestly I just sort of want to beat the shit out of that guy.  Where’s my cocaine?

So the tough talking cop picks up the red haired hottie at the murder scene and they immediately go out for Italian because after seeing someone off themselves nothing quite takes the edge off like a big bowl of pasta..  mmm..  The dude then says “I’m Italian I was weaned on wine” which is pretty much just him racially profiling himself and wouldn’t it be funny if he wasn’t actually Italian?  Like get a reverse spaghetti western thing going on where he’s a Native who wants to be Italian and he’s all tore up from the floor up about it.  Also I’m only saying this because there was an actor who was Italian but played a Native and got all Bill Murray Where the Buffalo Roam about it and insisted he was Native for pretty much ever.

During the course of this misbegotten date, the red haired hottie starts talking about how she knew this cop dude in another life, and she totally did it’s because he was the dude she was going to marry back in the 1600s before that witch got her pentagram interpretive dance on and fucked the whole thing to rat shit.  Anyways though, if you were on a first date with someone and they started going on about knowing you in another life, wouldn’t that scream crazy and needy and you’d pretty well high tail it outta there?  I definitely would.  Well I’d stick around to see if I could get a little something and then I’d totally be gone.  See ya later nutso and don’t call or send me creepy pictures please!

Alrighty so I guess cut to that witch again and this time she’s stalking a couple of greasy 80s punks and one is this bitch with HUGE hair, it’s like putting Robert Smith to shame pretty well.

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dang that bitch has my number

So she’s all stalking this couple and straight up the dude is in a full leather outfit, and she does her mind trick thing where she makes him tell off his gross woman that resembles Robert Smith and come and find her, and somehow she’s wearing like a full pair of snakeskin pleather pants and it is not attractive.  Anyways she ends up killing this dude and eating his ectoplasm?  And then uses that glowing pentagram ring to burn a pentagram onto his body.  Yeah I have no idea.

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pictured – ectoplasm and a dollar store witch ring, also eyeliner

Pretty much that ring was the best part of the scene, it glows with her evil magic and it probably a better special effect than pretty much everything else in the film.  And also something a cybergoth would kill for..

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that bitch got my ring.

Okay and then we flash back to that hottie red haired lady and smart mouth cop and this time they’re all chillin’ at her apartment and she’s got beer and Kun Pao chicken which just screams classy date, except this time because she’s British she says “beer, I was weaned on this stuff”.  Which I mean yes the British love drinking but somewhere Margaret Thatcher is like, “don’t talk yourself down girl”.  Hey did you know that Margaret Thatcher has dementia now?  Could you imagine being the nurse trying to take of her, as she’s ranting about Parliament?  You’re all, “yes Miss Thatcher, Parliament or not, you still have to eat your mashed potatos” and she’s all throwing stuff and being British.  Just a thought.  Wouldn’t it be cool kind of to take care of like a legit famous person?  Like Humphrey Bogart or something?  You could be all hearing his death bed confessions of bitches he’d slammed, and people he’d killed.  Could be fun..  right?

Also, I need to say right now I was pretty gonezo, by this time during the movie and most of my notes either end in “hehe” or begin with “jesus christ”, so any potential inaccuracies are actually not my fault.  I had 2 Caesars, a half bottle of mead, and probably 4 gin and tonics, so forgive my ignorance/drunkenness.

Alright so back to the alley where the dead body of that dude in all leather is quite literally chilling out, the white haired witch is now laying down a super mack on the big haired girl and is all, “your boyfriend never knew where to touch you, but I do” and yeah I guess it’s supposed to be kind of foxy but it really is just super unattractive.

Then I guess she kills her or eats her out or does both, but then all of a sudden flash forward and she’s back at her crypt and has somehow grown 6 FUCKING TITS and ECTOPLASM IS COMING OUT OF THEM AND SHE THEN FEEDS HER ZOMBIE ARMY LIKE A MOMMA CAT.

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so fucking metal

I am actually not even kidding, it’s like something from Heavy Metal or a Harlan Ellison story and whatever is happening is bad fucking news.  I originally thought pus was coming from her nipples and I almost threw up.

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delicious

So anyways, does anyone else need some brain bleach?  Because holy christ.

Anyways back to the dead body scene, that fabulous coroner is back and he’s all being fabulous and ranting about how he doesn’t have time for all this shit and the cop is all still desperately trying to get into that woman’s pants and then starts spouting off about “junkies, vegetarians, prostitutes, dope kids, punks, fags, satanists” and basically just rants for a while and he’s totally putting on this super overdone fake New York Italian accent and the whole time I was screaming “SAY CANNOLI!  SAY CANNOLI” but he didn’t.  Sad day for me, I guess.

I was also still debating whether the coroner was just fabulous or was putting on some 1930s gangster voice or what was going on there.  Either way I was pretty confused, and yeah I’m still not super sure what the story was there.  Everyone in this film seemed to be putting on accents like it was no one’s business, so whatever.

Alright so now we’re back with the white haired witch and she’s apparently encroaching on some greasy 1980’s hooker’s territory and since she is dressed the part they get into a bit of a hooker fight, pushing each other and then the witch uses her magic power to literally blow this one hooker off of her high heels, like just blows her right out of them..  and I mean that’s pretty handy, cuz how often does that happen?  I mean if you get hit by a car it can usually blow you right out of your shoes, so her witch power is at least as strong as a Ford Tempo going 50km/h which is pretty good.

Alright so back to the cop, the hottie and the black priest, they’re talking about seances and reincarnation and the black priest lays it down that people get reincarnated in groups and that’s why apparently they’ve all reincarnated again together, but he doesn’t say at all why the witch knows she’s a witch and knows exactly who they all are, while they remain ever in the fucking darkness about pretty much everything.  Then they start talking about ectoplasm, and how scary it is, and shit, and literally ectoplasm is just like spooky liquid ghost juice and it appears on walls and what not, and the only person who would be afraid of that is my Mom, she’d be all up there trying to clean it off the ceiling and walls so it wouldn’t ruin the wallpaper.  And since my Mom is pretty overbearing I’m sure she’s just freak the fuck out until her house wasn’t haunted anymore..

Everyone else would be, “oh there’s some weird fluid on the wall..  someone must have been super drunk!” and would just be all going about their day grabbing a slice of pizza and watching Jerry Springer or some shit.

Also I have to say the idea that people reincarnate in small groups is fucking bunk – could you imagine, it would be like your grade 1 class, and you’d be all doomed to go through the same shit with those people..  good lord.  Could you imagine?  Since apparently in this you all reincarnate as exactly the same as your previous life, what if you were fat and stupid and had a hare-lip?  Wouldn’t that just be shitty, you’re all dying and hoping to get reincarnated as a super model, but nope you’re right back where you started, being fat and stupid with a hare-lip.  That sounds less like reincarnation and more like a kind of purgatory and I’m pretty sure at this point I turned to Scott all creepily and said, “This is hell’s last promise..  Hope..” and I channelled a little bit of that movie Jacob’s Ladder..  any of you guys seen it?  It’s definitely nightmare inducing and also pretty creepy.

So basically what Necropolis has told me is that you get to traverse the ages as a stupid asshole and that’s your fate..  that sucks major donkey dick.  Not cool God, not cool.  Maybe this movie really is trying to say something deep and meaningful, too bad it all got muddled up with all that eyeshadow and cocaine!

Okay now back to the hooker who is apparently getting together with this gross looking pimp and is probably going to kill him.  While this is happening in full view of a bunch of hookers, the one who got blown out of her high heels is literally screaming “WITCH!!!” just hysterically and over and over again, which may have triggered some PTSD flashbacks for me of walking home from high school.  If you’re ever 13 years old and debating reading a book on witchcraft in your Home Ec. class, I would sorely advise you against it, because that shit will haunt you forever.  My grade 12 year book mostly consists of signatures that say, “thanks for not putting a spell on me”.

So as I come out of my PTSD flashback of teenage boys with Caesar frosted haircuts pelting me with rocks as I walked home listening to Garbage, I realized – this movie came out in 1987 and these women/hookers are pretty much supposed to be hotties of this time right?  See the 1980s was all harsh lines and high waists, and leather coats that are all super tight at the wrist and cut for Kevin Smith’s beefy ass arm up at the top.. and also way way way too much makeup.  Girls now don’t look like that, do they?

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i stand corrected apparently. also the caption of this photo was “spray tans are awesome”

Alright so back to the black priest, he’s all sitting in his office making millions of crucifix pendants out of small sharp sticks which is pretty fucked up.  Then some ex hooker comes in and brings them coffee in a paper bag?  I guess the coffee tray hadn’t been invented yet.

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damn you!

So now the witch is all up in this ex hooker’s brain matter and is all trying to get her to kill the black priest and she does shoot him but then she puts a bullet in her own brain and the black priest is all “Curses!”.  Anyways he gathers up his coffee and spikey crosses and I swear to God straight up crams all these spikey stick crosses into a black garbage bag..  could you imagine him all running to save the day and he gets to the parking lot and the black plastic garbage bag rips and he has to stop to try to cram the crosses back in there and he’s all struggling and the bag keeps ripping and it just goes on for a while like that Peter Griffin knee grabbing segment that was old the first time you saw it.

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Alright okay, so now they’re flashing forward to the sexy witch and her evil ritual is beginning and she’s all definitely going to kill that virgin or something?

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Alright also, holy fuck, seriously look at that bitch’s makeup..  she is simultaneously putting drag queens, Barbie and also the Lunachicks to shame.

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does anyone else remember the lunachicks?

Anyways in comes the calvary and the black guy uses his stupid janky ass cross and stabs the evil witch and she’s all somehow got the cop all mind controlled and he’s gonna stab someone but then he ends up cutting off her hand and then she dies I guess and then he takes the red haired hottie back home and they’re all like making out, potentially fucking each other and then while he’s all taking a shower, the witch’s evil hand has followed them home, complete with glowing pentagram ring and while the red haired lady tries to sleep the hand CHOKES HER TO DEATH, and then bam, now that red haired hottie is the witch and the final scene we see her leaving buddy’s apartment wearing some new black leather outfit she picked up somewhere, lighting a smoke, and is all cackling and shit.

My final note that I took for this film reads, “Jesus Christ that witch sure does love black leather”…

So that’s it kids – the end of the Necropolis review, and I do apologize if I was extra checked out for this one..  that movie was pretty bad.  I mean yeah six tittied witches wearing tons of eyeliner fuck yeah but it was still pretty bad.

I’ve also decided to add for my blog a rating system, and I haven’t totally worked the kinks out yet, but it’s going to be a scale system from 0-5, and it’s going to be on “~drink minimum” scale kind of like most strip clubs, you know?
A zero drink minimum means you could easily watch whatever film is up on the block just fine, being completely sober, and as the drinks increase, then you know the film is obviously high quality and very well made.

Necropolis stands at a 4 drink minimum.  I was pretty sloshed when I watched it and it still didn’t make too much sense, but if you like witches, titties, eyeliner, and fake Satanic rituals then you will surely at least have one or two laughs.

Also a good note on this review should be that I spent literally a full day hung the fuck over after watching this movie.  I was just a mess.  So enjoy, and until next time kids, stay spooky!

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