Okay so I’m fucking drunk right now. Also stoned. Also I just drank an extra large coffee which is helping in my ability to wade through my drunken miasma in order to write this piece of shit. Okay so we found out today that the local independent movie store was getting rid of all their VHS tapes and were selling them for super cheap so we hit that shit up and took home 130 tapes..
Quite literally we turned their horror section into a smoking ruin of Maple VHS tapes.
Anyways this movie store was bad ass – when I was 13 and had no friends they coincidentally had a special where you could rent 5 movies for $5… So I spent a lot of time watching horror movies and not relating to people and also being dark and mysterious and writing bad poetry in my parents basement. I was a real winner. One of my more memorable movie rentals was called “Witchboard: the Possession” and it was about.. You guessed it, a Ouija board except.. A witch-like one? A witchy one? Fucking stupid.
Okay so since I love all things related to the occult, witchcraft, and generally fucked up I’ve dicked around with Ouija boards before and what not and think they’re dope as fuck.. Mostly because I’m not scared of them and other people are SUPER scared of them which is sort of stupid.. Because a Ouija is just a piece of pressboard with letters on it.. And like the Bible is just a stack of paper and like.. Are you afraid of a stack of paper? No. No you aren’t. So why be afraid of some pressboard made by Milton Bradley?
Like fuck those guys. I mean I guess it might hurt to get hit by one but it would probably break pretty easily so you’d kind of only have one shot anyways? This seems like it could be a starting weapon in Silent Hill? Listen up Konami Games because you could really work this into a game I think.. Beating zombies with a Ouija board? That sounds awesome! Throw in some knee high socks and a creepy soundtrack and I’m there. SO THERE.
Okay so I thought this movie was cool when I was 12 because it wss about Ouija boards, wooo so scary! Okay so when I watched it when I was twelve there was straight up just greasy gratuitous sex in it, like titty sucking and straight up just a guys balls and at the time I was like WHOA BALLS.. Mostly because I don’t have balls. And I mean.. Genitals are cool right? Plus tits and ass? Who doesn’t love all that? Nudity is always acceptable because.. Its nudity. Even the word nude sounds so perverted really. It sounds really creepy actually.
Anyways this guys balls have been burned in my mind ever since I watched this movie about Ouija boards and when I saw it on the shelf today I was like JESUS CHRIST THE MOVIE WITH THE BALLS, so we had to buy it. Anyways I drunkenly sold my friends on it by screaming “IT HAS TITS AND BALLS AND OUIJA BOARDS” and pretty well no could argue because I am a smooth talker who could sell ice to a Canadian
I also tried to find a still of the guy’s balls from Witchboard 3: the Possession, but no luck so I guess you’ll have to go look it up yourself.
OK so anyways the movie starts off with this dickcheese looking dude with the worst hair looking like the poor man’s Antonio Banderas all having just lost his job as a stock broker and now he’s all broke and sad but he has this hot ass wife and she’s all hey baby don’t be sad, look at my huge rack and he’s all pouting and stuff. He’s basically a huge dillhole and randomly his new landlord, this old dude comes home one day and throws a bag of groceries at him and is all hey let’s get wasted and since buddy doesn’t have anything going for him aside from watching Days of our Lives reruns while his woman goes to work to support his broke ass.. so he’s totally game, and I figure if I lost my job I’d probably go a little squirrely so if some old dude came up to me and was all come up to my apartment and let’s drink port at like three in the afternoon I’d be game.
I mean the guy could look like Freddy Krueger and I’d be all but he has free booze, who cares if he’s going to rave and jabber at me incessantly and wave his arms around while talking about the government sending secrets signals to the tinfoil on his potroast.. HE HAS FREE HOOCH. I could easily take him down if he got too fresh and tried to squeeze my tit or something. I’m the Caesar Milan of the elderly. I’d just grab his shrivelled up Pepperidge Farm goldfish balls and whisper “tsssst” while staring into his doe eyes. all for a taste of that sweet friend of mine known as booze.
OK so the old dude turns out to have a crazy collection of old weird and apparently occult stuff but is actually just shit that looks like the director put a pretty hefty bill on his Pier 1 credit card.. Its just like these hideous carvings and masks and the Mayan Long Count calendar which really isn’t that scary since what did the Mayans know? Apparently not enough because the world didn’t end on Decemeber 21, 2012 and I know because I was there, high as giraffe pussy, bottle in hand waiting for the world to go to shit and like my first sexual encounter with a man I was thoroughly disappointed.
But the Mayans also cut open people to check out their guts and discern the future which is pretty cool, so I don’t wanna rip on them too much. Plus didn’t they pierce their tongues with razor sharp barbed vines? That’s weird and sounds painful. Some punk chick pierced my tongue one time and it got infected and it sucked pretty bad. And I mean she wasn’t a crackhead when she pierced my tongue but she’s pretty cracky now. Anyways. That shit hurts. So the Mayans were probably alright.
Okay so the old dude is all check out my collection of shit and here’s my Ouija board and I use it as a phone to Satan to get stock trading tips and buddy is all okay that seems logical and also reasonable and Satan probably does own the stock market so yeah let’s use this shit. So he’s basically drinking shitty port with this creepy old dude in his aparment while using a Ouija board – if only the guys from the office could see him now.
So he gets some stock tips and yea shit gets pretty real he makes a bit of money and then the old dude is all hey bro you should have a baby and get your wife pregnant and hands him this spooky dollar store ring and says “See you in the funny papers kid” and jumps off a balcony only to be impaled on a fence and dies. Our loser leading Lothario goes to his creepy friend’s funeral and the dude’s wife shows up and starts rattling around in his husband’s coffin and randomly puts her finger through the old dude’s skull and what looks like caviar or really old relish comes out which seems like some shitty embalming if you ask me because that dude hasn’t even been dead that long at this time but whatever.
Anyways she gets all crazy and is crying and sees that this dick has her husbands ring and runs off. A few days after his creepy friends funeral, the dude (Brian?) goes and randomly takes his Ouija board and creepy crap collection and then gets more stock tips and takes out a crazy huge loan to make some skanky deal for coffee futures.
The guy borrows money off this big fat guy who is mounting butterflies that look like magnets my grandma had on her fridge when I was little..
Heck they’re probably still there. I guess Satan is all fuck you dude and coffee goes way down and buddy can’t pay his loan back so he bundles his Ouija board (which is the cheapest piece of shit ever looking at it now – like when I was a kid I thought it was so scary and cool but it actually just looks like some balsa wood and fimo clay and a lot of good intentions) into a briefcase which perfectly holds it which is pretty sweet because I have a scary Ouija board from the 1970s I got at this crazy lady’s garage sale one time and I should totally get a little briefcase for it and have it in my car and bring it with me places. If anything you’d probably be able to tell who’s a dumb ass by those who are actually afraid of it and then you wouldn’t have to talk to them? Oh you believe in Ouija boards, the Easter Bunny, Jesus and the talking walnut? Yea go fuck yourself buddy I’m not going to your birthday. That’s what I would do. One time I had a party and used several of my Ouija boards as decorations and it really offended this hippie girl and I was pretty drunk because we’d brewed this special batch of mead for the party and I always drink when I’m nervous and all these random strangers showed up like this trans woman who knocked over a bookcase, and these three Australian people who were all pretty wasted on all sorts of weird shit. The one Australian lady brought me a fruit tray and was talking all fast about big horn sheep, and I was dressed as Pan at the time so I wasn’t sure if she was making fun of me, but then her Australian boyfriend was all, dude you have goat legs on and I was like yeah dude it is halloween and he was like whoa man far out. They were alright. Anyways instead of worrying I was drinking which is a pretty good decision unless you’re at church or have kids.
Okay so it turns out that Brian’s Ouija is connected to the creepy dollar store ring that old fart gave to him and it’s actually possessed by the Devil, I guess, because Brian loses all his money on that coffee deal and can’t make the repayment to that creepy loan shark with the butterflies and he bundles up his Ouija board and goes screaming and ranting into that dude’s office and the dude is all like, well I’m gonna have to cut your finger off, Ouija board or no Ouija board, and they kind of fight for a bit, and somehow someone’s hand ends up cut up a bit and then the blood falls on the Ouija board case and whoa creepy it summons the Devil who kills the creepy fat dude with butterflies?
The death scene with the butterflies on pins is actually pretty neat and kind of a strange way to die, and the fat guy’s assistant ends up impaled on some deer horns that come out of his head and make him look like a demon whoaaaaa, far out!
Anyways some more shit happens and Brian is all, whoa using a Ouija board and getting stock trading tips from Satan is probably a shitty idea, let’s not do that again but Satan has other plans and electrocutes his ass, and while Brian’s soul leaves his body looking like a magical dolphin flying through the air, Satan takes over Brian’s body.
So Satan wakes up in Brian’s body horny as fuck and is all hey baby to Brian’s hot ass wife and gives it to her pretty good in the hopes of conceiving a demon baby.
So Brian’s wife is all ooh my husband has money now and they’re all going out for dinner and shit and having lots of greasy sex, and decide to hang out with her friend one night and they drink like three bottles of wine, between three people, which is pretty well only a bottle each, and they’re all acting way way drunk like those girls that will have one drink at the bar and take their tops off:
Brian being a horned up demon tries to put the moves on his wife’s best friend pretty well right in front of his wife and I thought they were going to have a greasy threeway, and I also think at this point I began screaming “THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A DEVIL’S THREEWAY” and then did a funny little jig and Scott, my hetero lifemate and always the voice of reason told me to sit down before I hurt myself. So I did but I was probably still screaming.
Anyways, much to Brian’s and my disappointment they don’t have a greasy threeway, devilish or otherwise, but Brian does immediately take his wife home in their car after having drunk a whole bottle of wine. OH the 1990s, when drinking and driving meant fuck all.
On the way home they try to make up and his wife is all, “Are you still my Funny Valentine?” and demon Brian stares blankly at her, and then I guess she realizes her husband is possessed.
The next day Brian pays her friend a visit and is all hey baby, let’s fuck and she’s all running away wearing a towel and then I guess he kills her after pulling her towel down a bit, because tits.
Later on Brian’s wife finds a bunch of creepy shit including her wedding ring (HEY I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT) tied up with a piece of her hair in front of some fertility statues and she’s all freaking out and takes a home pregnancy test but she isn’t pregnant so now she’s all relieved and stuff and she finds the Ouija board and hides it and then actual Brian’s soul starts appearing to her in mirrors? And good Brian and demon Brian have this weird conversation about all the Earth’s fertile bitches and Brian’s wife runs away and finds that other creepy old dude’s wife and is like “sup pretty sure my husband’s possessed”.
And the lady is all, yep he probably is and then demon Brian attacks and kills the one lady but not before she gives Brian’s wife this spearhead necklace that looks like it came from the discount bin at a Spencer’s Gifts or possibly Forever 21.
Anyways, somehow Brian’s wife who is crying hysterically and wearing high heels manages to get into a fight with the demon who says “IM NOT GOING TO KILL YOU I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU” and then the movie gets a bit rapey, but Brian’s good soul starts making shit rattle as only ghosts and poltergeists can and then the demon gets distracted and she stabs him with the sacred Spencer’s gifts/Forever 21 blade and makes the demon leave Brian’s body and turn into this CGI abortion:
And then Brian’s wife uses the stupid Ouija board pointer and Brian’s dolphin spirit flies through the air some more all majestic and then whoaaa Brian’s back and they team up and defeat the demon and stuff.
And that’s pretty well the end of the movie, or at least I hope it was.. we’d been drinking and smoking hero joints for the better part of two hours and we had all just confessed our deep love to the Panago pizza dude, who couldn’t get off our porch fast enough.
Also we’d been watching this fucked up video from youtube that my friend Nick Ruckus had shown us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dllo85ZSUk
Some weird fucking band from Estonia. So all in all it was a super weird night, filled with VHS tapes, pizza, drinking, dope smoking, Ouija boards and tits and ass.
I will say that Witchboard 3: the Possession is pretty awful, I mean it’s all good if you wanna get dumb ass wasted with your friends and laugh at the TV for a while, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend it without having at least two drinks. It’s like one of those titty bars you go to where the place has a two drink minimum.. so does Witchboard. Aside from some titties and that stupid Ouija board, there’s not a whole lot going for it, and even the tits are sorta subpar, like her lingerie looks like it came straight from the Sears catalog.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this review and if you didn’t go fuck yourselves because you’re obviously scared of either Ouija boards or bad grammar. It was kind of interesting to try to decode my short hand notes taken while intoxicated and watching this film.. at one point I had just written TITTTTTSSSSSS in block caps.. other examples are, “old man brain equals old relish”, and “satan ouija board no touchy”.