Horsehead – Fifty Shades of Neigh

There’s two things I don’t understand in this world: Algebra and French Films. Thankfully I don’t have to deal with either of these very often in my daily life, but sometimes life throws you a confusing, artistic French horror movie and you just have to roll with the punches. I’ll try to make this review as coherent as possible and as a fun game for you at home, take a drink every time you read a really god awful horse pun! This is going to be a wild ride you guys. So strap on your feedbags and let’s saddle up for this Horsehead review!

uh, someone’s in here!!

Horsehead clomps onto the scene with a confusing dream sequence where a girl is bathing and a horse monster is all “hay, mind if I get in there?” and the girl responds by screaming and waking up. The girl, Jessica, is on a train going to her estranged families house for her grandmas funeral. Her relationship with her mother isn’t in very stable condition because she doesn’t know who her real father is, and she’s not excited to be heading there.

Once she arrives she has a very awkward dinner with her parents, and her parents are very reluctant to pony up the info about how her grandma even died. After dinner, Jessica is chomping at the bit to get to bed, and when she falls asleep she has a baffling dream where she meets her grandma. Her Grandmare tells her that she needs to find the key and never let the horse get her. The horse monster from earlier shows up and Jessica hay bales out of there.

y’all got any oats or nah

When she wakes up in the morning she tells her mother she’s feeling really sick and tells her about the dream she had about her grandma. She asks her mom what she meant by the key and the mom thinks she’s just foaling around and tells her there’s no key and it was just a dream.

Jessica thinks her mom is a real neighsayer so she decides to do what we all would do in that situation: huff a fuckload of ether and have messed up lucid dreams.

oh yes that’s the stuff

Now this is where the movie gets very French, or Tres French if you prefer. And by “Tres French” I mean “huh????” I should also mention at this point, this was the second attempted viewing by the Drunk in a Graveyard crew. We tried the weekend prior at my cabin but considering we all lost our collective minds from a combo of firepit hotdogs and beers, it didn’t go so well. I thought it was pretty bad but it wasn’t just me being a fickle filly, the movie was actually just that confusing.

Anyhoof lets get back to the story. So Jessica is having a lot of screwed up dreams that involve her grandma trying to get her to find this key. Like, we get it grandma!! We’ll look for the key this afternoon!! God, lay off me

You know that dream everyone has where you’re in a bathtub and a younger version of your grandma appears behind you, vaguely fingerblasts you and then pulls you into a watery abyss the size of which seems immeasurable only for you to be cut in the arm by a staff wielded by a horse demon that is also lurking in the water? No? uhhh yea me neither.

really working hard for that no 1. grandma mug

So after that upsetting vignette Jessica wakes up and discovers the cut she got on her arm in her dream is still there!! So it’s a real Freddy Krueger and/or Scary Terry situation if you’re into the unlicensed versions of things.

Things are really ramping up and if Jessica doesn’t unlock the secret of the key that demon is going to send her to the glue factory up in the sky. She has yet another dream that features her mom giving birth (gross mom you’re embarrassing me) to Jessica and….ANOTHER BABY??!?!! QUELLE SURPRISE!

So turns out, the reason Jessica didn’t know who her dad was is because her dad is actually also her grandpa. Yikes man. and Jessica’s mom is super distant to her because of this unfoalunate situation. OH also, the other baby was dead…. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. Jessica goes on another ether induced vision quest (Mondays, am I right?) and discovers that the key that she’s looking for unlocks a door in the attic where dem bones dem bones dem dry bones of her dead sister are kept.

She wakes up and kinda clomps around because her legs don’t work so good after the several days in bed dreaming of horse demons and hot grandma with unbridled enthusiasm. She heads up to the attic but on the way gets stabbed by the apparition of her young mother who is a dream but not? I seriously need to Beautiful Mind this entire movie on a big whiteboard because I have very little idea as to what is occurring. So yea, she’s all shanked in the flank and collapses right outside the secret hidden door of forbidden mystery. She has one last dream where she meets the horse demon, stabs him with a Keyblade from Kingdom Hearts and then goes into another room where she encounters a version of herself in a giant womb. FRENCH MOVIES ARE WEIRD. The dream girl uses her eyetooth to peck a hole in the sack and they hug it out. I wondered out loud if the goo would be really warm or really cold but no one could tell for sure. I’m guessing room temperature.

Oh right, so then she dies in real life from the stab wound that may or may not have occurred in a dream (wha?) and the movie just kinda trots away into the sunset.