Oh hi there little friends. My tiny little angels. How’s it going? How was your long weekend? Last week, some dope ass photos of the set of Alien: Covenant (formerly Prometheus: Paradise) leaked online and ho-lee shit, does that look dope as fuck. Like, can it just be next year already and I can go see it?
Unpopular opinion time here, but I loved Prometheus, like legitimately thought it was great, both as a movie within the universe of Alien, and as a stand alone feature. I know, a lot of the mouth breathing nerds on the interwebz will disagree, but I thought it was legitimately both creepy, and faithful to the original films.. and I mean, come on – if you get hurt in the anus about Prometheus but have zero issues with accepting Alein versus Predator the slumber party edition then you are part of the problem about why we can’t have nice things.
Anywho, it really dawned on me that since I love the goddamn Alien films so much, I haven’t actually ever reviewed any of them. Big oversight on my part I guess, but seriously, it’s hard to write reviews for films you super dig on. It’s way easier to be a jackass and take the piss out of ridiculous stuff like the latest James Wan jump scare factory/cash grab.
The film has a weird prequel intro which shows an extra from the Schism music video by Tool seeding a planet with DNA by drinking black goo.
K so.. we would all bang an Engineer yeah? Like. We all would, right?
There’s something about alabaster skin, coal black eyes, a distinct lack of body hair and the super advanced yet super antique Calvin Klein for men space undies that really gets the wide on, amiright ladies?
Like. What a sculpture of a man. Jesus, praise the lord.
I stand by my remark about the Schism music video. TELL ME IM WRONG, FOLKS. Tell me I’m wrong.
Anywho, flash forward to like 2089 or whatever Dr. Shaw and Holloway find a cool ass star map in Scotland which corresponds to their other previous finds of similar star maps and they come up with the genius idea to go to this place and say hello.
Now folks, you don’t have to be Heloise or have perfect boarding school Abercrombie and Fitch manners to know that no one, and I mean NO ONE, especially not 9 foot tall Adonis people like it when people drop by. Everyone hates the unnanounced drop by. Like. Holy shit, don’t just come by my house. There’s a good chance I’m wearing pajamas and haven’t brushed my hair in days. There’s a good chance I need to change my underwear and brush my teeth and perform basic hygiene. There’s a good chance I’m high as fuck seeing if I can fit my cat’s face in my mouth. Seriously, don’t come by.
Like.. what if the Engineer just wants to sit around with his buddies and watch the Olympics, what if he just wants to putter around in his DNA lab and have a cheat day? He probably just wants to eat some Engineer ice cream and get prepped for Monday morning leg work out, you know? He doesn’t need or want the monkeys he created rolling in on their dinky ass space ship.. He’d have to put on clean space linens, answer the door, suck in his gut.. its a real ordeal. No wonder he’s so pissed off when they do roll up.
Anyways… Elizabeth Shaw uses her boobies to convince the evil Weyland-Yutani corporation to fund a trillion dollar mission to go to this magical little planet to investigate aliens and the origin of civilization.
Now, what’s important here is that David, the android, is played by Michael Fassbender, and you all know how I feel about Fassy and his gigantic DIQ.
Look. You guys. Fassy has a huge fucking dong. HUGE. Massive even and what’s more is that when he’s playing a robot he’s got a lot of 0’s and 1’s in his programming and he can stick his 1 into my 0 and robotically fuck the living shit out of me, because JESUS CHRIST GORL THAT DIQ.
Well, enough about me.
Check out that dope as fuck cosplay! Holy shit man. Can we talk about how fuckable all the mancandy in this film is some more?
Alright, seriously I’ll stop.
The mission takes two years and the crew lands on LV-223 (reference to Leviticus for those playing the religious home game). Holloway, Shaw, and a very foxy looking Meredith Vickers (played by Charlize Theron) gives the crew a holographic run down of what the fuck is up, led by Dr. Weyland, who is Guy Pearce in really shitty old person makeup. Like. what. Why. He looks like a young walnut wearing the mask of an old walnut.
If you have an issue with this film, it should be with this shitty makeup, because I also have an issue with it.
Holy shit it looks bad.
Anyways, the hologram walnut tells them to go check out the aliens and find God or whatever and then the crew, who is wearing some awesome space hoodies let me add, are all like yeah that seems reasonable.
So, since it’s Christmas day and whatever, they decide to saddle up the dune buggies and go check out the cool pyramid they found on this planet with a spoopy ass skull looming over top of it, and they roll out and pretty much immediately violate every scientific principle of any scientific mission ever. The moment they hear the air is breathable inside the pyramid, they all take off their space helmets. That would be like me going into a patient’s room in the hospital and being like “well you don’t look like you have diseases” and just taking off all my PPE because fuck it.
They fuck around in the pyramid and find a dead engineer, a spoopy ass hologram of panicking and running engineers, and they open a door into a spoopy ass altar room, find a big ass head and realize that they should probably go back to the ship.
But, not before David decides to take home a big ass canister of scary black oil/goo.
They’ve been out for like four hours and Dr. Holloway gets all sad because all the aliens are dead and starts whining like a big baby.
Since a big storm hits the crew on their way in and they’re all stupid, David has to rescue them and their big ass head, which they drag inside to promptly reenact scenes from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein with.
Like.. yeah let’s fuck around with this big ass head by sticking a stim line into it and let’s try to bring it back to life.. k. got it. Since we all know that this totally is a poor idea, the fucking head starts to rot, then it starts to stink, and then it explodes. Cool.
Dr. Holloway is being a huge baby infant about not finding space Jesus, so he’s doing what anyone would do and is drinking space whiskey.
David, the paranoid android mixes him up a cool drink with a drop of the scary black goo. Dr. Holloway then decides he should bust a nut in his weird girlfriend since he’s sad, and shit gets pretty weird after that.
He wakes up and finds a worm in his eye and doesn’t think to tell anyone about it.
He’s all, oh yeah, space eye worms, no big deal.
Meanwhile, the biologist in his space hoodie and the stoner geologist with a face tattoo got lost inside the pyramid and they find an alien snake that breaks the biologist’s arm, and crawls into his mouth a la the facehuggers from Alien.
Anyways the crew figures they should go in after those two morons and they saddle up for another trip to the pyramid.
They totally find their dead friend but then Holloway is all, MY SPACE WORMS, and is super sick or whatever and they drive him back to the ship, but Ms. Vickers is a bad bitch and she won’t let him back on board so she roasts him with a flame thrower?
Pretty cool, but no idea on WTF that was about.
It was really reminiscent of Ripley refusing to let the crew back on board when Kane had the facehugger attached to face in the first Alien film.
Anywho, David takes Dr. Shaw inside and puts her on a table and tells her she’s got a babby in her tummy, and since Dr. Shaw is sterile she starts freaking out.
She goes ratshit/batshit and straps herself into a medpod for an emergency C/section which is pretty well the most badass scene in the whole movie.
Holy shit can med pods become a thing?
The med pod extracts a squid baby from Shaw and she stumbles away injecting morphine into herself. She finds out by stumbling around that Dr. Weyland’s walnut corpse is still somehow sort of alive and has been in stasis on the ship and that David has found an Engineer laying in stasis inside the pyramid of this planet. They reanimate Dr. Weyland’s corpse and prop him up Weekend At Bernie’s style and cart his old ass off to the pyramid to meet his maker.
Also then the stoner geologist shows up and is a zombie?
And yeah that part didn’t make a ton of sense? I dunno, I was iffy on Fifield from the beginning as it seemed to be there to simply cater to an edgelord audience.
Anyways, back to the Engineer who’s been taking a dirt nap for like 2000 years.
Since no one likes to be woken up from a nap with demands (looking in your directions, cat farm of mine who wake me up with the song of their people demanding food at 6am), the Engineer kills the shit out of the old dude, rips David’s head off and decides to pilot his space craft full of killer black goo to Earth to kill the shit out of the monkeys they made that are super annoying.
Think about it though – I saw it said in a video online that the Engineer basically gets woken up out of his sleep by the sea monkey project they made waving around scare crows claiming to be god and the Engineer is like a very annoyed parent looking at his child who reached into his drawers and did a feces painting and declared himself Picasso (or pick asshole if you know what I mean..) Like. Yeah. Entirely reasonable and understandable reaction.
Anyways, Shaw freaks out and tells the captain to crash Prometheus into the ship to keep the Engineer from destroying humanity, so they do and boom, big ass explosion. Vickers gets ejected onto the planet and crushed by the falling ship. Shaw survives and manages to get into the life pod, but David tells her the Engineer is still alive and still pissed off and he comes looking for her and tries to kill the shit out of her.
Also, is it just me or is the head of decapitated David something you would use as a sex toy or is it just me? I was getting some serious Re-Animator vibes.
Since Shaw’s squid baby is still in the mix they try to reenact some Japanese Hentai tentacle porn, and the thing impregnates the Engineer with a chestburster.
Shaw fucks off with David and they use an Engineer ship to kick it to the Engineer home world and see what else they can fuck around with, and then we see a scary xenomorph like alien bursting out of the Engineer body.
So, I’d be lying if I said this movie didn’t have more questions than answers, but it does.
That’s part of what I like about it and part of what drives my like for the whole Alien series – you get some explanation but not really enough. I feel the same way now about rewatching Aliens recently. You get snippets of information, but nothing that can make you write a history book on these creatures.
I like Prometheus, I think it was really unsung in terms of being a film that was both it’s own thing and a continuation of an amazing franchise.
I’m super fucking pumped for the new one, and I can’t wait to see it.
It looks fucking rad and hopefully there’s more Fassbender in it and he gets his head put back onto his body and we can see DAT DIQ.
Until next time kids.