Well, if you fine fuckers don’t follow the DIAG facebook page (how dare you), you might have missed my boozy Saturday night post complete with many beers adrunk and our Saturday night thrillride flick called The Drownsman.
Look. You know what a highlight of my week is? Finding shitty movies in the Wal-Mart discount bin to peruse later at my leisure. You know, when you pay like $5 or like $7.99 or the eponymous $9.88 on a film, it’s like playing Russian roulette with capitalist greed instead of bullets. You’d be amazed at the sheer number of gems you can pick out from the shit pile, but then at the same time you can also be horrified by the number of just.. unwatchable found footage shaky cam Fangoria jerk off pieces you can find as well.
Anyways, the Drownsman was one such example of a $5 find that actually didn’t give me cancer upon watching. I was also very drunk.
Too drunk to jerk off? You be the judge.
So this hot ass broad survives almost drowning in a big ass lake and afterwards she’s all afraid of water or whatever and she ends up missing her best friend’s wedding because it’s raining outside.
Her best friend being white as fuck storms into her house in her wedding dress carrying a cup of Starbucks and demands to know what the fuck is up with her friend, who is currently rocking some super creepy skeleton eyes, and has to have all her fluids given to her via IV line because she is so terrified of water.
K so.. does this bitch’s pussy stink or what?
Like let’s get serious here.. We all know guys will stick their dicks in anything, even crazy.. even PTSD lake serial killer crazy.. but no dude wants to ram his dong into the swampy murk of your unwashed twav. Christ.
I mean, yeah her friends set up an intervention for her, and they said it was because she’s super scared of water but yeah let’s be serious it’s probably because you smell her chocha halfway across the goddamn yard.
Anyways. Bridezilla and her stupid friends set up an intervention for their friend who is afraid of water.. allow me to say fairly legitimately since she almost drowned, and you’d think her friends might be a bit supportive of her.. but nah.. fuck her. ITS MY WEDDDDINNNNGGGGGGGG.
So yeah this “intervention” turns out to be a “seance” because they believe that their friend is “haunted” and they have a shitty ass seance that involves them trying to summon the dude who’s haunting every cup of water and puddle in sight.
So, this doesn’t end up working and the clairvoyant or whatever gets her panties in a bunch about seeing the Drownsman and then they decide to have their friend strip off so they can lower her into a bathtub full of water.
THANKS FOR THE FUN GIRLS NIGHT xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Since She’s fully submerged and having her first bath in forever, the Drownsman is all, “bitch scream if u pussy clean” and tries to kill her and one of her friends smashes the bathtub open with the back of a toilet and now the Drownsman is all mad and is hunting these dumb white women who love tapas and pumpkin spice lattes.
K so, let’s talk about the Drownsman, because he looks like either Old Greg or an Uruk Hai, possibly both. He’s not scary and the makeup certainly isn’t good, and the whole thing just seems a bit out of place?
I dunno. I wasn’t impressed with it but I guess I didn’t hate it either?
I’m going soft in my old age.
So, cue in basic ass white women refusing to believe they opened a door to the Netherrealm and let’s also cue in various scenes of people drowning. Since the Drownsman only ever drowned his victims (so he could hear their hearts beating as they died.. wtf), the writers of this film tried to find new and interesting ways in which these women would be drowned and all of them kinda sucked?
Like.. what a missed oppurtunity to waterboard someone, to drown someone in a fish tank, or to drown someone in a stainless steel soup tureen, or one of those cucumber water dispensers that all white women have in the summer.
No, it’s kinda the same old basic ass drowning stuff, in a tub, getting sucked through a sink or a puddle of water.
I mean, all of the deaths were pretty basic..
Anywho, after some digging on the behalf of her friends, they all find out that the Drownsman is actually this serial killer who killed women by drowning them and that his mom or something is in a psych ward somewhere because she’s been setting fires because fire is the opposite of water?
I have no fucking idea. It got kinda hazy here as more beers were consumed, but somehow the one broad ends up conquering her fears and brings some dynamite/flares into the dream world in which the Drownsman resides and sets him on fire somehow and obvs he is pretty pissed about it, but thats fine.
So yeah she wins or whatever and goes to gloat to the woman who’s in the psych ward an the crazy lady is all yea he not dead and boom, there he is..
So yeah, I dunno.
The movie could have been way worse, but it also could have been way better? It was pretty great for only costing $5 and my dignity when I had to step foot into a Wal-Mart.
I really like films like this where you can get blotto and its not super important what aspects of it you miss because you’re shotgunning your third beer, hitting the Pokestop outside, or rocking a piss off in the bathroom/potted plant.
I give this film 6 waterboardings out of 10.
10/10 would recommend more fish tank deaths.