Have you sank an embarrassing amount of hours into Fallout, Rage and pretty much any other post-apocalyptic wasteland survival game you can get your hands on? Looking for more things to sate your thirst for irradiated mutants, home made weapons and post-apocalyptic anarchy? Sick of Mel Gibson hogging the rusty ass limelight? Join the club. Not only am I the president, I’m also a member.
Check out our list of 5 post-apocalyptic movies that don’t take a wrong turn into Melabu.
5- The Handmaids Tale
The Handmaids Tale – this picture may look like it should belong to some soft-core porn show hosted by David Duchovney, but it does not!
The first entry on the DIAG top 5 apocalypse movies is a fairly obscure made for TV title from Canada. The Handmaids Tale is set in a post nuclear war future in which fertile women are forced to don red robes and act as surrogate mothers to rich families. These women are known as Handmaids and their names are based on the names of the men they are beating children for. For example Freds Handmaids is know as offred (of Fred). These women are used as brood mares and when they lose their usefulness they are forced into slavery. Love is foreign. Based on the book of the same title by Margaret Atwood, a very outspoken member of the Canadian arts community and queen of speculative fiction. This book is unforgettable and haunting and the movie is worth a watch. For more speculative fiction maragaret Atwood has also written the maddaddam trilogy which come highly recommended by drunk in a graveyard.
4 – The Omega Man (1971)
The Omega Man – so much better than the Will Smith version could ever hope to be
Based on the story “I Am Legend” by Richard Matheson, this is actually the second adaption to screen of his story (the first being The Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price) and adds a few twists to the original story. Biological warfare in the mid 70’s kills off most of the worlds population and turns the rest (that we know of) into albino mutants. I ‘d also like to mention that these aren’t your run of the mill mutants, these are 70’s mutants, so they have some bad-ass style to go along with there homicidal tendancies Charleton Heston stars as a scientist who is immune to the plague and living out the end days in a fortified apartment with an arsenal of weapons (just the way ol’ chuck would have wanted it), scrounging during the day and fighting off albino mutants at night.
3- RollerBlade
Roller Blade – I wish I had something witty to say about this, but the cover really says more than I ever could
Like the sign says about 20 minutes in, Skate or Die is the name of this particular futures game. A movie that could have only come out of the 80’s, this story surmises what would happen if the end of the world came and the only mode of transportation left when the bombs stopped dropping were skateboards and rollerskates (nope, no blades here. Truth in advertising right there kids) and pretty much everyone was a skater punk or a nun. First off, I’d be screwed as I’m an uncoordinated mess who would be in a pile on the concrete the first time he tried to make a too cool for school getaway. But let’s pretend I wasn’t, in which case I’d want to be waiting out this particular apocalypse with the skater nuns, mostly due to the proficiency with butterfly knives and propensity for ass kicking. Check this movie out if you have a high tolerance for nonsense and/or a love of the extreme sports of the yesteryears.
2 – She
She – this poster is so metal even Manowar is jealous…look at that gauntlet! Metal as fuck!
Nazis? Check
Frankenstein in a box? Double check
The worst fucking names for characters you’ve ever heard ? Triple check
Vampires? Check check fuckin’ check!
This movie literally pulls out all the ridiculous stops a lover of “so bad it’s good” cinema could ever ask for and then some. On more than one occasion I caught myself sitting there, wondering what the hell had just transpired in front of me, confused all to hell, and loving every second of it. Though its plot tells us it it set post some apocalypse or another, one can’t help but think the filmmakers set out to make a fantasy movie before realizing the cost of outfitting everyone in chain mail and hosiery. And so that’s how we end up with Nazi regaled football players taking the battle field with fully armored medieval knights(?) atop war horses. I really shouldn’t tell you much more and just let you discover all the craziness for yourselves, because believe me, there is a lot to discover here. I would also like to note that the big name in this movie is Sandhal Bergman of Conan fame (cash those chips in fast baby!) and she rules over this crap fest quite handily, draped in what appears to be a bed sheet for a good portion of the movie. So go gather your party favors of choice, some friends of like mind, a copy of this movie and prepare to be amazed by yet another bygone product of the 80’s!
1 – Hell comes to Frogtown
Hell comes to Frog Town – Oscar material here folks. It truly is a crime the academy didn’t recognize Mr. Pipers achievements
Ranking number one on both this list and my personal list of “Best VHS tape finds ever from a thrift store”, here’s a movie that posits what would happen if the majority of the population were rendered infertile due to nuclear war and society became both sparse and matriarchal. The remaining fertile humans are extremely rare and therefore sought after and put into government protection. The plot centers around Sam Hell (Roddy Piper), tracked down by the trail of pregnant women left in his wake, breeding with a group of fertile women that quickly get captured by (wait for it…wait for it…) mutated giant frog people. Featuring a froggy strip tease, giant steel chastity belt, and of course Sandhal Bergman (for the 2nd time on this list!) riding high on the Conan wave, you really shouldn’t pass this movie up if it comes your way. Actually, you know what, you should open up a new tab right now, go to eBay/Amazon, find it in any form and then thank me. With beer. Kind words work just as well though.
Until next time, keep your plasma rifle close, your machete closer and watch your back for Deathclaws. I’m off to search the wastes for more star bottle caps so have fun kids and get the fuck out of my dilapidated shack!
-Scotty Floronic