Greetings friends, happy new year. How’s things been for ya? Have you been whiling away your time playing Call of Duty, farting into your worn Avengers sweatpants, waiting for your cardiologist to give you a call? Us too.
Are you just all worn out about this whole life thing? Did you sleepwalk your way through the holidays in a barely concealed visceral rage? Relatable.
If you’ve hung around the graveyard for a while, you will be familiar with 6 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2016, 7 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2017, 8 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2018, 9 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2019, 20 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2020 because COVID and depression prevented us from getting our collective shit together to do one of these for 2021 so just pretend we were passed out in your mom’s tomato patch, because, we probably were, but also 22 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2022.
1. When people say the phrase “friendly reminder” in a post/tweet/work email/screed
Nothing makes us fly into a blind psychotic fury like the phrase “friendly reminder”, because, the reminder is never friendly, it’s either passive-aggressive or just straight up aggressive, and it makes you sound like a cunt. And before some chucklehead points out a time when we used the phrase, please know it’s not kind to make fun of the drunk and disorderly, and we concede that we too looked like cunts if we ever said it. Oh and friendly reminder – go fuck yourself.
2. Billionaires who are constantly online complaining instead of shutting up and doing cool shit with their money
Holy sweet flying FUCK. Look, if you’re gonna be a billionaire, at least do something cool. And to be sure, being cool doesn’t include sitting online desperately clinging for relevance by seeking validation from dumbasses on social media. If we were billionaires, you’d never hear from us ever again because we’d be on our own Drunk in a Graveyard island doing cool shit like reading lots of books and having private film festivals, and eating food in every country, and donating money randomly to weird causes just for the fuck of it.
3. Every boring basic ass white woman who bullied all the goth kids she went to high school with to near suicide, now identifying as a “big tiddy goth gf” because she watched one episode of the Netflix Wednesday series
We know all you fucking beige Beckys with your Blackcraft Cvlt/Killstar/Halloween as a personality/Dahmer is my Daddy/Choke me like Bundy/Pumpkin shaped purses/Eddie Munson Hellfire Club/pumpkin spice everything/big tiddy goth gf Xeroxed personalities aren’t gonna fucking like to hear this, but someone has to say it and it might as well be us: we see you. We know you spent high school in your Abercrombie listening to Britney and BSB and using the weirdos and goth kids as punching bags for your adolescent rage (some of us you to drove to madness, self harm, suicide and worse). When you took part in the active othering of the freaks and weirdos, you don’t get to turn around and appropriate weirdo culture now that it’s socially acceptable and you’re trying to be cool. It’s stolen valor.
4. People who haven’t seen Freddy Got Fingered
When we dunked on Malignant for stealing the whole Backwards Man(TM) bit from Freddy Got Fingered, we had to explain to multiple sweet summer children just what in fact Freddy Got Fingered was. For shame. Y’all need to get right the lord and beg for forgiveness.
5. Netflix’s ‘The Witcher’ showrunners
Ya guys fucked it. Take a hike.
This is a holdover from last year, but BUMHOUSE still can fully get fucked. This studio is singlehandedly reducing the horror genre to the pablum being force fed to the fake big tiddy goth gf Beige Becky’s in disguise so they can be used as unpaid marketing tools to gaslight the horror community into also eating up whatever slop someone squats out and claims as “the scariest movie of all time”.
Drunk in a Graveyard seriously scaled back our use of the Twitter app this year and it was one of the best decisions we have ever made because Twitter is an extremely toxic social media platform, and using Twitter became a chore that began to weigh heavily on the mind and the soul. Logging into a social media platform shouldn’t instill a kind of feeling of dread or unease, it shouldn’t be a chore one simply has to do like maintaining your garden on your Animal Crossing island. Everyone is really angry on Twitter and those who are terminally plugged in to it, are ready at a moment’s notice to have a take, to write a screed, and to think the absolute worst of their fellow man. It’s not healthy. And more than that, Twitter isn’t real. Hardly anyone actually uses Twitter (329 million users versus an almost 8 billion world population), and the top like 1-2% of users compose the majority of tweets. Twitter isn’t a good representation of real life and people seem to forget that. It’s been said a lot on the internet but honestly go touch some grass or eat a cold pear. You can thank us for it later.
8. Overly long movies
The new Avatar film is THREE AND A HALF HOURS LONG. Holy fucking CHRIST. James Cameron has also famously said, regarding the runtime, that audience goers can go rock a piss off and make a sandwich or do their taxes ‘Anytime they want’ during the film. Gotta tell ya that if you can just take breaks and go squirt out a big turd and grab some theatre nachos with the plastic cheese sauce and come back to the movie and not worry about having missed anything – the film is too long. What happened to all those awesome flicks that were like 70-90 mins?! Not everything needs to be some TWO PLUS HOUR SLOG. Editing is an important part of telling your story – don’t forget that.
Just the worst.
10. Overhyped auteur movies
We can’t decide what’s worse – actually having to sit through these bloated vanity projects, or listening to the Twitter blue check film critics hype it up so they can keep getting free promo swag from studios and invites to premieres and shit. You can always tell one of these movies when you see a film coming up and all the critics are practically out there self flagellating like that white haired monk from the Da Vinci Code, slavering at the mouth like rabid dogs, and then when actual people see the film you hear ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the film. Just radio silence. Hahaha, it’s pretty funny, honestly.
11. The song “Victoria’s Secret” by Jax
Okay, so straight up this song is a bit of an ass shaker and totally gets stuck in our heads (yes, even Scotty. we caught him singing it while cleaning the shower the other day, true story), but this song is also a lot. The gal who sings it JAX is like a straight up 10/10 hottie, just painfully gorgeous, so the message of the song kinda falls flat. Yeah, everyone has body image issues/insecurities, even the painfully gorgeous, but for those of us who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, it again seems a bit like stolen valor.
12. Casseroles and anything described as casseroles
If y’all wanna eat dog vomit, that’s cool with us, but just leave us out of it.
13. Netflix docuseries that are multiple episodes when they could just be one movie
Man, these are just the WORST. They’ll make this like crappy docuseries that’s so bloated it’s started to resemble the swollen corpse of a donkey they found in the river, and they start interviewing people who are so ridiculous it will be like a true crime thing and they’re interviewing someone who once wrote a tweet about the case. Bro, just make a movie, fuck.
14. People who always let you know their animal is a rescue
Easy there, Mother Theresa. We get it, you’re better than us.
16. People’s incessant need to be unpaid corporate shills
Holy fucking fuck shit, please, for the love of god, can we collectively agree to leave this trend behind in 2023. Unfortunately we probably won’t but we are gonna bitch about it anyways. Okay, so, this ties into take culture, and everyone having a “brand” online, and everyone thinking they’re an influencer for the six people that follow them, and it’s just this incessant need people have to blogpost about every fucking aspect of their lives. A trip to the comic book store to buy the new Vampirella comic and a fucking choccy bar turns into a tweet tagging every single comic book artist that worked on the comic, the corporatation that made the shit tier choccy, and then like four other people in some desperate attempt for some social media intern on the other end of a corporate account to validate your existence for five seconds. It’s extremely pathetic and sad and weird, and it’s like, bro do you have nothing else going on in your life? Do you have no one who loves you? And then even more frighteningly.. what happens when the person/people you’re tweeting to DOESNT acknowledge your incredibly SELFLESS AND BRAVE act of buying a $2 comic book? Is the comic worthless now? Do you not read it? Like, what happens. Also you’ve got like ten instagram followers, you aren’t someone (and that’s FINE), like fully go outside and touch grass and eat a cold pear and calm down.
17. Butter boards
Hey friendly reminder, smearing a stick of butter on a board and throwing a couple slices of pepperoni on top doesn’t make you Anthony Bourdain.
18. Chalky Easter/Christmas chocolate
19. People who film themselves giving food/money to homeless people for attention
We shouldn’t have to say this, but it’s exploitative and gross. It’s poverty tourism.
Fortunately for us, the war of attrition on comic book content seems to be taking a turn, because, superhero flicks look shittier and shittier as time goes on. These are no longer films, they’re just content. Content for consumption. And we are all getting stupider for it.
Our cat recently started up an inappropriate relationship with millipedes, so these fuckers are on the list again.
22. People who are rude assholes to concert photographers
Hey friends. Robin here. I’m a concert photographer and I focus primarily on extreme music so I’ve been to a lot of violent shows and dealt with a lot of crazy shit, however, the worst I’ve ever been treated was at the Ethel Cain show in Vancouver and I’ve gotta say, if you’re assaulting a concert photographer and calling them names, hopefully you don’t ever consume that photographer’s content online. Because, you know that photographers who professionally document concerts are there because they wanna be, not because they’re getting fat stacks of cash, and you making their job harder impacts the artist you’ve apparently paid money to see and one would assume would want to see cool professional photos of.
Who’s eating this shit? The British? Stop making it.
Anyways. That’s gonna be it for us on this borderline psychotic tirade.
Bring it on 2023.
Oh, and yes, if you felt like you got called out on this list, good, we were calling you out.
If your panties are in a bunch about it, you can click here for something less soul crushing to those who are weak of spirit, or ya know, just leave us unhinged misspelled comments we can laugh at later.
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