Greetings friends, how goes life in the panoramic? Does the thought of facing down some strangers Spotify Wrapped list against your will make you want to take our your eyeballs with one of those grapefruit spoons your mom wouldn’t let you use as kid? Do you read articles online that make you so enraged you want to fling your own shit like a monkey and bring new meaning to the phrase “go apeshit”? Well, us too, and that’s part of why we are writing this handy dandy little article.
If you’ve hung around the graveyard for a while, you will be familiar with 6 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2016, 7 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2017, 8 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2018, 9 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2019 and 20 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2020 because COVID and depression prevented us from getting our collective shit together to do one of these for 2021 so just pretend we were passed out in your mom’s tomato patch, because, we probably were.
Please. Please. Please for the love of God stop with this. Our fucking eyes glaze over everytime we hear the word “NFT”. The only NFTs we care about are Nice Fucking Tits.
2. Collector culture
Okay. This has to be said. There’s collector culture for EVERYTHING now. The fact that *steelbook protector cases* even exist is such a testament to the fact that we all, collectively, as a society, need to go outside and touch grass and eat a cold pear. Collectors ruin their own culture – go into any Facebook group and watch newbies to some asinine hobby get viciously ripped apart for imagined slights against fucking stupid ass looking totally fucking moronic Funko Pops/CRTs/GameBoys/Sneakers/Rae Dunn mugs. It’s extremely boring and it highlights late stage consumerism as the cancer it truly is.
3. Everything needing to be “bingeable”
This may upset some of the younger folks reading this, but please, hear us out. Not everything needs to be “bingeable”. Television shows used to come out once a week and you would go to work afterwards and theorize in the break room over what was gonna happen next – it was like Reddit except in real life. Now, this isn’t to say that the watercooler > Reddit, because so much discussion now takes place on Reddit and that’s part of the charm of being super into a Television series. Getting hyped up for the next episode. Now, television shows, especially on Netflix will get dumped onto Netflix all at once for “binge” content, and the world spends a weekend going bananas over it, and then it’s dead content – no one gives a shit about it. The problem here is that this has created this need for programs to BE “binge worthy” to be seen as even close to “worthy” and that’s a problem endemic to the social media effect on our brains, where we are simply unable and uncomfortable to sit with not knowing what’s going to happen for a while. It leads to showrunners making shittier programs, it leads to the dumbing down of filmmaking and storytelling, and it’s frankly exhausting. Stop it.
4. Every film being, according to blue check Twitter film critics, being “life changing”
Okay. This also has to stop pronto. Disgraced comedian Louis CK has a bit about this in his standup special “Hilarious”, which states that we as a society “always go for top shelf language” to describe mundane things and here this is truer than ever. Film critics/crickets on Twitter, especially the blue check mark variety are guilty of the sin of constantly saying that every random fucking film they see is “life changing” and something that “helped me through my darkest”. Look, while some films are certainly artistic and deep and can absolutely be deeply effecting, like any piece of art can – the Chucky reboot didn’t help you process your trauma. You didn’t process grief watching the Fear Street trilogy, and that’s FINE. Not all films that are created are going to be “life changing” trauma processors. Sometimes they’re just bad movies, sometimes they’re just popcorn movies and that’s also fine. We need to stop using top-shelf language and cheapening it, because remember, if every movie you see is “life changing”, then none of them are life changing.
5. Magazines claiming DIY independence but acting as nothing more than marketing branches for major film studios and so-called taste makers
You know exactly who this is about.
And while we’re on the subject of Bumhouse, sorry, BLUMHOUSE, the whole studio can get fucked.
Don’t forget, Blumhouse had no issues with platforming the Trump supporting antivaxxer Covid-denier Annie whats her piss in DASHCAM all while waving the flag of performative wokeness. Remember. These studios don’t care about you, they care about your money. They aren’t your friend, they aren’t your supporter, they will drop you in a moment.
7. Blind IP loyalty
Look. Sorry to be the ones to have to break this to you, but the blind IP loyalty has gotta stop.
It’s okay to say the Matrix Resurrections sucked, because it did. It’s okay to say that Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City sucked – because it did. Your enjoyment of the previous work in the “franchise” is not diminished by the shitty returns that came after. Stop pretending to like movies and giving them “A’s for effort” – if it sucked it sucked.
8. Funko Pops
Okay. It’s been said before but it bears repeating: Funko Pops are fucking ugly as hell, they’re stupid as hell, and it makes you look totally unfuckable to have a bunch of them hanging around. It’s consumerist capitalist shit, and no, you don’t NEED a fucking Funko Pop of the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers. What happened to people collecting actually cool shit?
9. The toxic positivity of horror & film twitter
The all-encompassing toxic positivity of horror twitter is something we have bitched about for quite some time now, but again, it bears repeating. Like clockwork, a bad January horror movie will come out. The studios know it’s bad, that’s why it released in January (read: “The Bye Bye Man”), the critics know it’s bad, the actors know it’s bad but hey it was a paycheck. Whether it suffers from bad editing or production or whatever other myriad foibles cause a movie to be bad, the film is a stinker, it’s a stink bomb. But out of the woodwork the blue check “taste maker” twitter film crickets will creep and for whatever reason inexplicable to everyone around them (read: the promo Bribe boxes they got) they will start hyping the movie up like it’s the “BEST THING EVERRRRR”. Now, because these accounts have thousands, and sometimes hundreds of thousands of followers, some of whom are minor characters and NPCs in the horror community who are looking for acceptance and belonging and possibly promo, I mean Bribe, I mean promo boxes of their own, these blue check film crickets are able to “weaponize” their following. What this means is that if they find some anime avatar twitter account with 12 followers clowning on Insidious Part 57, well all it takes is a quick quote tweet for the blue check taste maker to send thousands and sometimes hundreds of thousands of their NPC twitter followers after this person who is guilty of the sin of not liking Insidious Part 57. This person will be labelled a “hater”, or my all time favourite, “someone who hates fun”. This person will get run off twitter, maybe for a while, or even permanently, and for some people, they don’t come back because that’s their experience with the horror “community”. This is endemic of toxic positivity, and it creates a culture of fear, of wrongthink. Everyone wants to be on the “right” side of film cricketism, right? And we learn as animals do. If we get yelled at for saying the wrongthink, then we usually avoid it in the future. Dissenting opinions aren’t inherently bad and we all need to wrap our heads around this somehow. My lack of enjoyment of a film shouldn’t hamper your enjoyment of it. We all like different things. Maybe someone should tell the Mayor.
Or don’t and we can keep doing this tired shit on into forever, whatever you want.
10. Horror fans acting as if they’re marginalized
Look. Horror is not a marginalized or lesser than film genre, okay? Horror films make millions of dollars at the box office, and guess what – it’s not just people clad in enamel pin vests and Cavitycolors shirts with dyed black hair checking out the flicks either – it’s fourteen year olds who wanna fingerblast each other in the theatre, it’s wine moms, it’s everyone. Everyone by and large loves Halloween, and spooky shit – why do you think corn mazes, and haunted houses and other shit gets people so hyped around October?
You aren’t a persecuted minority for liking horror films, and you aren’t unique for liking them either, so stop with the self flagellation, I mean unless of course you’re wanting to cosplay as that albino guy from the Da Vinci Code then by all means you can skin your own ass raw all you want.
11. Mental health being the “big bad scary thing” in films
Not sure if it’s the whole need for everything to be “elevated” now that has seen this trend grow, but it’s sure been a thing in the last few years. Films like “Relic” (our review is here), the Taking of Deborah Logan, Hereditary, Split etc offered up to audiences that dementia & mental illness are these horrifying super scary awful big bads and for a genre that constantly waves the flag of how woke it can be, one can’t help but wonder if this does more harm via stigmatization than actual good. The ongoing stigma surrounding people who live with mental illness impacts how we view some of our most vulnerable members of society, and horror movies are absolutely guilty of exploiting these very tired tropes. From the trope of “psycho killer”, to being filmed in some of the most notorious mental hospitals in the world – like Riverview Hospital in Vancouver BC – where real pain and suffering occurred, is kind of not great. We can probably explore mental illness in healthier ways and please whatever you do, if you’re debating making a film about dementia – don’t. Unless you can treat it with the absolute respect and reverence that it deserves.
If you want a good film about dementia, the documentary Alive Inside is quite good. I know, doesn’t have people wailing and spooky black stuff, but you’ll have to get past that, or I mean don’t. Just pile on more skeleton hair barettes while you burn off your thinning hair dyeing it bottle black and buy more overpriced shit from Spirit Halloween, idk.
Since we are all confined to living in this panoramic for the forseeable future, we are gonna speak on behalf of everyone and say – please no more fucking COVID content ZOOM call movies. They’re stupid, they aren’t good, they aren’t scary, and they were overdone years ago when Unfriended Dark Web came out. We don’t need to constantly be reminded of the shit garbage world we live in, thanks.
13. Everything needing to be “elevated” or “deep”
Look, not every movie has to be some elevated ass, striped shirt wearing, wine swilling, A24 dad hat purchasing on Depop ass, looking ass, shit, ok? This ties back into not every film is gonna help you process your trauma, ok? It’s okay to be like HENRY CAVILL TURD CUTTER LEATHER PANTS MONSTER SHOW BIG TITTY BLOOD DRAGON HEHE once in a while. Life isn’t meant to be so serious, stop sucking the fucking fun out of everything you boring windbags.
14. Creamed Corn
Many questions here. Who’s making this? Even worse, who’s purchasing this? And then finally, are you a cat? Because cats also like to eat their own vomit.
Creamed corn is food for barnyard animals, not humans.
The complete revulsion that comes with seeing “Side of Creamed Corn $2” on a menu is a full body visceral experience.
15. “I’m Not Pretty” by Jessia
This song makes me fly into a blind psychotic fury. It’s horrible. The lyrics about “having a belly and bum so rom pom pum” are made all the worst about the gal singing it being a total 10/10 with the flat stomach and conventionally thin body. Stop singing about oppression that isn’t yours – you aren’t Lizzo.
Also – rom pum pum pum? Are you the little drummer boy? Did you play a djembe at Jesus’s drum circle? Get the fuck outta here.
16. People asking old ass directors about comic movies
Please. Please, stop asking old ass directors about their opinions on comic book movies. It’s hard to say who is stupider – the people who are asking, or the people who get fucking fired up when some old ass man says he thinks cape movies are stupid. Not to quote Bill Burr but really, “what did you think he thought?”
Just because Disney found a marketing surefire and knows that our nostalgia driven society of forever children will eat up any IP spinoff doesn’t mean the movies are good. It doesn’t mean they’re inherently bad. Enjoy comic book movies all you want – no one cares. That said – people can also not enjoy them and thats chill too. The best opinion is probably somewhere in the middle – comic book flicks are fine. They’re kinda silly, but they sure do make bank but making bank doesn’t equate to being half decent. That’s like saying NSYNC is comparable to the Rolling Stones, come on now.
17. Sequels, prequels, remakes, requels, gritty reboots etc, and yes that includes 5cream, sorry
Sorry to be the ones who have to burst the bubble for ya but we don’t need anymore remakes, requels, prequels, sequels, spinoffs, etc. Do whatever you want obviously, but like, are we so bereft of new voices and ideas in filmmaking that we are reduced to remaking franchises that didn’t do that good when they first came out, and now everyone can pretend to be superfans all along? And yes, that includes the new Scream movie. It’s gonna stink out loud. And thats fine. Not all movies have to be good, or even great. But let’s stop pissing on our faces and saying it’s raining.
18. Oli London
This one is low hanging fruit for sure, but seriously. Oli seems to be universally hated, but videos about him get hundreds of thousands of views. Stop making stupid people famous.
19. People who say “I did a thing”
Look, Karen, you didn’t “do a thing” – you got your asshole bleached. It makes for a much more interesting Facebook post to read while we all shit in the morning.
20. Harry Potter & Disney adults
If I have to see one more wedding announcement that reads “this is what happens when two hufflepuffs fall in love”, I will beat someone to death with their family cat.
Also Disney adults are fucking weird. I mean I guess that $700 enamel pin collection could in theory be used as shuriken in the apocalypse, but y’all are on thin ice too.
why do they need so many legs?
20. Elon Musk
Really just goes to show that with all that money you still can’t buy class huh?
Anyways. That’s gonna be it for us on this borderline psychotic tirade.
Bring it on 2022.
Oh, and yes, if you felt like you got called out on this list, good, we were calling you out.
If your panties are in a bunch about it, you can click here for something less soul crushing to those who are weak of spirit, or ya know, just leave us unhinged misspelled comments we can laugh at later.
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