GRUESOME GUTEN TAG, YE PITIFUL SHOALS OF SOULS!
YOU MISSED ME!
It’s 2019, squadfam.
I’ve seen everyone and pet rat spitting out New Year’s resolutions faster than an anorexic at a vomiting contest, and it has gotten me to pondering. Not about my own goals or anything like that because no amount of arbitrary counting down is going to derail my routine, but certainly the human ability to quit. I have done my best to make quitting the final straw in my life, and I give it my all until the flame is either burnt out or burning down the neighborhood. . . but I feel like numerous people don’t comprehend how or why that is the case, so today I’m gonna tell ya.
Sit back, strap in and get ready for a more what music has instilled in me for the past two decades.
Introductions, of course!
My name is Blair, but Bear will more than suffice here. I live for tilting people, heavy metal, Magic: the Gathering, and that fucking magical thing that happens with Ms. Vicky’s Sweet Chili & Sour Cream chips where one will fold over in the cooking process and make it doubly crunchy. I don’t dislike any musical genre, but I would happily drive blind-folded down a road littered with artists who abused their fame. I grew up playing blisteringly fast thrash metal and reading every “Practical Problem Solver”-esque book I could get my hands on, leaving me one extremely well-spoken, quick-witted, snake-tongued son of the best. It gets me in more harm than it does good, but it also does a hell of a job pointing out who can keep up and which of ya would keep getting the blue shell if we were playing Mario Kart together. I’ve got a mucho grande familia. One that I am protective of to a fault, and then a couple hundred yards past that. We aren’t all blood, but we know that even in those “err’one but me a fake bsh” moments, there are outliers. People who have proven time and again the stalwart nature of their devotion to the betterment of each of us. No distance too out of the way, no passage of time too unmanageable. My other half is SIGNIFICANT as FUCK! Her mere aura turns me into a bard, THE WEAKEST OF ALL THE D&D CLASSES! We just wanna live all over the world and take in more of this speeding rock than the few hundred kilometers around where we were born.
This year in the ‘Yard I plan on taking you all with me to different locals, talking to different aspects of “the scene” in different area codes, and hopefully helping bridge some of those gaps in the process. Some major issues stand before musicians of all forms with the direction that the music industry is currently growing, most important amongst them being: Quality, Distribution, Access, and Exclusivity. The market is SATURATED and most of it is BAAAAAD. No one is making physical copies anymore which is a good AND a bad thing. The auxiliary cord or Bluetooth in your car has become the tape deck to a billion song eclectic cassette tape. Nowadays you can’t even get people to listen to an album as a whole anymore without someone snatching the cord up. So here, listen to this THEN move on:
JAN TERRI – EXCUSE MY CHRISTMAS
That’s right, mo-suckra’s. Christmas music in late January by the avatar of all moms. Expect hard trap remixes in future, I’m sure.
But that’s the other thing I loooooooove doing. Digging up absolutely whack nonsense from the bowels of bargain bin racks and ancient, forgotten myspace pages. Unfortunately, like untended pages crumbling away in disrepair, even those corners of the internet are drying up. Dead accounts being deactived and all of their priceless and rare content with it. I realized this the other day as the only place I could find this song was attached to this video, A My Little Pony fan compilation:
PETER STOLLER – BABY YOU’VE CHANGED
That song came out of the end credits of the 1990 movie “Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor”, another rare gem which encapsulates a huge piece of who I am; B-Grade Monster Movie dweeb. Practical effects are the soul of so many movies that formed my childhood. Everything from Gremlins to Small Soldiers, Godzilla to The Thing. CGI generally slaughters the good strides made by movies by splashing After Effects blood all over and Michael Bay-ing all the explosions. Fear not though, my fine feathered friends, for I see a RESURGENCE in the horizon! People wanting to “de-complicate” their lives. A craving to return to the old ways. Make things by hand, grow our own food, play board games instead of video games, and other assorted wonders. Speaking of the “old ways”, here is a video of the painting for the newest piece of Magic fun I recently acquired:
“Nikya of the Old Ways” by Ryan Pancoast. A centaur druid aligned to my home clan of Gruul (red & green) with the built-in restriction of “You can’t cast noncreature spells”, which most Gruul players will tell you was never going to be part the game plan anyway. Most guilds had three different descriptive words to encompass them with the most recent release, except for Gruul. Correctly represented by the same word in triplicate, Gruul is built to “SMASH, SMASH, SMASH”. But I digress from forcing you to actually learn about someone else’s hobby, and move us onto this:
RESTLESS DESTROYER – DAN TERMINUS
Even in music, I see a clamoring for a rebirth of sounds from 80’s childhoods in place of the deadhead drivel of radio rock. Even down in Vancouver and Seattle, I’ve seen bills that start of with two or three these synthwave artists lead straight into heinous black metal. Judgment is changing before our very eyes and with it, inclusion and variety. People are starting to get that we are all a little bit of everything.
Neapolitan ice cream.
And that rules.
And that’s me more or less.
LET’S CRUSH THIS YEAR, NERDS.
You can find Bear smoking bong and building snowmen on instagram.