Silent Hill: Dude, Where’s My Daughter?

• Released for the PS1 back when Konami still made games
• In the olden days of fixed camera angles and tank controls
• This game rules extremely hard and the main theme SLAPS
• OG Sad Dad Harry Mason is on a roadtrip with his daughter Cheryl
• You know what’s a great way to kick off your vacay?
• Almost hitting a girl on the side of the road
• Harry come on get it together
• They crash to miss her and when Harry wakes up Cheryl is GONE
• Also this town SUCKS
• Its super foggy and raining ash
• Harry is like “dang it’s foggy, almost like the rest of the town can’t be rendered
fully so they’re hiding it behind this fog. Weird”
• Harry kinda rocks around like an idiot for awhile hollering for Cheryl
• Eventually the SHITS FUCKED air raid siren goes off and Harry gets transported to
the OTHERWORLD
• It’s full of horrible wailing monsters and rusted gross walls and chainlink fences
everywhere
• Hope you have your tetanus shot Harry
• He stumbles around getting chased by these VERY ANNOYING and LOUD little kid monsters
• I seriously hate these little goobers
• They attack him with their GROSS STICKY CHILD HANDS and wails of “DO YOU HAVE GAMES ON YOUR PHONE??” And “MOM SAID ITS MY TURN FOR THE XBOX”
• It’s truly horrifying
• Harry wakes up in a diner and a HOT LADY COP named Cybil is there chillin’
• Silent Hill is really great for this, characters will experience some horrific scenario and wake up somewhere else entirely and chalk it up to “a dream”
• Harry is like dang things are going poorly out there let me tell you
• Cybil is like alright well here’s some ITEMS and WEAPONS
• A horribly looking stupid purple pterodactyl monster is like THAT’S MY CUE! And busts in through the window
• Cybil gives Harry and gun and she’s like “shoot this tutorial monster!” and he DOES very POORLY
• After that stupid encounter he’s like “oh right my daughter!” and leaves to look for Cheryl again
• Harry runs around avoiding monsters that just hilariously jump into screen
• Back when this game launched it was TERRIFYING
• He ends up at an elementary school because he thinks Cheryl will be there
• What kind of nerd would run away to a school
• Harry finds some more annoying kid monsters and a delightful locker full of blood that he just is kinda “meh” about
• He also fights a stupid lizard monster
• This was a wild fight because you found out that you can shoot and walk backwards at the same time which was SUPER IMPRESSIVE in 1999
• After this exciting adventure in videogame advancements, he sees a girl who then disappears
• Harry just kinds SHRUGS THIS ENTIRE THING OFF and leaves the school
• He hears a church bell and he’s like “Well if my stupid lame kid wasn’t at school maybe she’ll be at the next dorkiest location: A Church”
• He meets resident weirdo Dahlia Gillespie and she rambles on about her kid and his kid and then gives him a SUPER CURSED LOOKING charm called the FLAUROS and tells him to go to the hospital
• Instead of immediately pitching it into a storm drain like any sensible person would, Harry keeps it and goes to the hospital
• He meets a doctor named Kaufmann and a CUTE NURSE named Lisa Garland
• They are both rather nonplussed by the influx of horrible nightmare ghouls
• Lisa is super confused about everything and talking to her is VERY IRRITATING
• Dahlia shows up again and tells Harry that this weird symbol he’s been seeing called THE MARK OF SAMAEL can’t be completed or the town will be permanently in nightmare world
• She also tells him that the girl he almost killed at the beginning of the game was a DEMON responsible for everything in the town being bonkers
• Too bad you didn’t hit it I guess hey Harry
• So apparently according to Dahlia, if the demon doesn’t get destroyed the town will eventually turn
• Anyways he leaves and bumps into Cybil and she’s all “oh shit waddup my guy, I think I saw your kid down by the lake”
• Kids do love fussin’ down by lakes
• They end up at a boring antique store and find a hidden altar
• It somehow transports Harry back to the hospital (??)
• Everyone was willing to let this slide since it was a horror game
• He runs into Lisa again and she’s still just as confused as always
• She mentions something about the cult that’s rocking around town and Harry is all “EX-SQUEEZE ME???” but Lisa just says she can’t leave the hospital and gives him directions to the lake
• I feel like a giant lake would be extremely easy to find but ok sure thanks for the help Lisa
• Harry runs into Cybil again and hes like “oh waddup girl? Sure is great in this non possessed air don’t you think?”
• Cybil does not agree because she is straight up POSSSESSED
• And in a move stolen by every game ever made by Telltale, Harry has to decide whether or not to save her or stone cold kill her
• Harry runs into Dahlia again and shes like “ah ha! In a totally not expected move that I’m sure shocked everyone…I am betraying you!!!!”
• Harry is all “to be honest…I’m surprised”
• Dahlia and the demon peace out and guess what
• The demon was her daughter ALESSA
• Alessa got extremely screwed over by everyone in this town
• Turns out everyone was in a cult and as cults are fond of doing they tried to bring about their god
• Everyone knows the best way to make a god is to impregnate a child with it, and then burn the shit out of the kid to I guess get that god out of there
• I’m no doctor but this seems medically inaccurate
• Anyways this clearly went poorly and went the Solid/Liquid Snake route
• Her soul split in half and half went to make this baby that Harry and his sap of a wife adopted, and the other half stayed in Silent Hill to I guess screw around with everyone and punish them for their evil shenanigans
• Dahlia cast a spell drawing Cheryl back to Silent Hill so they could combine back into Alessa and she could kill her
• Honestly, not a bad little plan
• Anyways after a big fight with lots of cutscenes and explanation, that DOCTOR FROM EARLIER SHOWS UP
• Remember him?
• Anyways he produces a magical serum called DEUS EX MACHINA and uses it to purge the evil god out of Alessa
• I think he dies after or just kinda like leaves because his scene is over
• Anyways you can get one of 4 possible endings
• Ideally, Alessa kills Dahlia, gives Harry a fresh new baby, and Harry leaves with Cybil, but you can also TOTALLY SCREW IT UP
• The bad ending is that Dahlia is killed by Alessa and then Alessa attacks and kills Harry, and then it pans out that Harry actually died when he crashed his car and the entire game was a fleeting dream of a dying man
• Videogames are fun!!!!

THE END

********************************

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