I Wear My Birthday Suit When I Go Skinny Dipping, And It’s Not Usually My Birthday

UNPLEASANT MURMURS OF USHERING, UNKNOWING DORKS!

This week is going to be short and sweet like George Costanza after being in the pool. No theme-y bois, no moral lessons, and no angst this week. We are going to roll back to a note a mentioned last week, wherein I mentioned that music has become disposable. Now, I don’t mean that to the extreme where you stop paying attention to new releases, because if you do you miss things like that tight-ass GHOUL / ILL BILL split. On the other end of that stick is junk like this,

THE FALL OF NUCLEAR BLAST:

AUGUST 23RD: THOSE DAMN CROWS – ROCK ‘N’ ROLL AIN’T DEAD

Yeah. I don’t know who taught these boys rock ‘n’ roll, but it wasn’t anybody who was actually rock ‘n’ roll. I’m pretty sure I wrote these lyrics when I was in second grade and discovered Twisted Sister for the first time. Nothing about this track stands out in any way, the riff is repetitive, the solo is boring, and to respond to their choice of lyrics during the chorus,

YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES THEY ARE SAYING IT TO SPECIFICALLY. . . AND THEY’RE RIGHT ON THE MONEY THERE.

AUGUST 24TH: RISE OF THE NORTHSTAR – THIS IS CROSSOVER

This ISN’T Crossover. This is like DISTURBED binge watched Evangelion while listening to HARM’S WAY and DEATH GRIPS.

AUGUST 25TH: METAL ALLEGIANCE – BOUND BY SILENCE

“QUICK! MAKE A SUPER GROUP OUT WITHOUT VARYING THE SOUND OF WHAT ANY OF THE MEMBERS DO FROM THEIR CURRENT OR ORIGINAL GROUPS”

This isn’t generally “bad”, but it just sounds like ARMORED SAINT vocals on TESTAMENT guitars with filler members (no offense to the gods), but even the vicious chops of ALEX SKOLNICK, MIKE PORTNOY, MIKE MENGHI, or DAVID FUCKING ELLEFSON, repeating the whole “ROADRUNNER UNITED” does not a new band make.

Isn’t that crazy? Even something swelling with talent upon talent can still come out tasting funky? To quote Wolfgang Puck,

“Cooking is like painting or writing a song. Just as there are only so many notes or colors, there are only so many flavors – it’s how you combine them that sets you apart.”

So yeah, I went through all of that so you didn’t have to. Feel free to completely miss most of these releases, unless METAL ALLEGIANCE is nearby, then go pay your respects.

MAXIMUM OVER-BYYYYYYYYEEEEEE~

-BEAR

You can find Bear smoking bong and playing Magic on instagram.

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