With summer comes the onslaught of one of two things in my little hovel, and they are quite juxtaposing things, to say the least. The Sun either chooses to bless us “pretty” hard, leaving the sidewalk at a temperature not dissimilar to grabbing a pan out of the oven without mitts, or it blesses us REAL HARD, wherein having rubber-based soles on your shoes or an AC unit is about as useful as trying to take down a mountain by throwing rocks at it.

Wanna know who you won’t hear complaining about these “Dante’s Inferno”-esque temperatures?

COW-PEOPLE.

Not bi-pedal bovine beasts, but those of us who have some blood or tendencies that fall under the country/western/redneck/backwoods/farm category. Those “ranch handed without eating salad” kind of folk. I have a few distant family pockets hidden away in deep woods here or there, and I believe they do so to avoid many of the UNNECESSARY INCONVENIENCES  of city life. Amassing animals and crops rather than bills and spam mail, breathing in fresh air instead of pulp pollution, and never having anyone you don’t know come to your door. Now, THAT sounds like something I could get behind.

Ironically, the thing I wanna talk about most is music that makes me wanna do something very farm fresh:

RIDE DAH HORSE.

Some songs just. . .make you wanna ride a horse. Live an outlaw life like Jesse James, or Billy the Kid. Lazily lasso some lunch, all those cliches.

APERITIF: THIN LIZZY – ANGEL OF DEATH

We’ve been over why THIN LIZZY is the bomb in previous pieces, but when I think about horse-ridin’ music, the galloping guitar in this song is the first thing I think of. Aside from all of the main instruments being present, this song goes nuts with the reverbed synth, and it is ZERO PERCENT A BAD THING. Tons of metal bands have written a song about the Angel of Death, but this one paints him as the sufferings of war, loss, and helplessness. Against the rest of their library, I would place the albums “THUNDER AND LIGHTING” and “RENEGADE” right along the top with PRIEST and MAIDEN.

APPETIZER: MOLLY HATCHET – ONE LAST RIDE

Yeah, yeesh. I know we’ve talk MOLLY before too, but get your ass on a mare and tell me this isn’t the appropriate choice. FRANK FRAZETTA album covers for literally fucking ever.

ENTREE: TESLA – MODERN DAY COWBOY

Easily shattering the perception that a hair metal band couldn’t put its toes into other musical tide-pools, TESLA looked like a bunch of farm boys straight out the barn but played like they had never heard anything other than MOTLEY CRUE, and BON JOVI. What wasn’t to love?

DESSERT: TANK – CRAZY HORSES

Missing TANK is always a mistake.

DIGESTIF: AEROSMITH – BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

As much Mr. Tyler isn’t my favorite voice by a long shot, I appreciate the immense range and variety that he can provide with that mile-wide smile. Some songs, however, just stick with you no matter what you do. I managed to push their “Armageddon Now” track from my brain years ago, and that is not a number I need to hear again any time soon. Describing the achievements of a band like Aerosmith seem like a losing battle, you don’t get into the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME for being shitty.

HOPE YOU GET TO RIDE HARD OR GET RIDDEN HARD THIS WEEK, WHATEVER YER INTO!