UNCOMFORTABLY SIMILAR PARALLELS TO REAL LIFE, FUTURE A.I. STATISTICS!

Five.
Years.
Five fuckin’ YEARS!

Half a DECADE!

You ever do something FULL-ASSED for that long and then have someone tell you that you weren’t doing it to their satisfaction? Work everyone else’s shifts, manage aspects that aren’t in your job description, or end up having your efforts completely ignored?

WELL DAMN BRUH, WE SHOULD TALK!

If you’re reading this on Monday, July 23rd, and it’s been a blue moon since you regaled your boss with how much you actually do around there, today is the day. If not for you, for me at least. You see, I lost my job as King of Bongs this past Friday, out of nowhere, without warning, without any priors, and basically over a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding so fucking plebeian that it induces physical pain in my body, and today is the day I go untwist that knot. In essence, I have belongs to get and need an answer to whether I’m being fired or laid off, because despite receiving separate calls where my boss said both, I need it in writing so I know how to move forward.

The end all be all is that I want to talk about getting fired for stupid fucking reasons. Like the time I got fired for doing push-ups. Yeah. Real thing. One time when I worked at a pet store (two female managers used run the location in my hometown) the owner who rarely came to that location pulled me aside and asked me why I was complaining about my superiors.

“Check the phone logs”, I laughed. “They spend half their days in the bathroom not working, and the other half fighting with their boyfriends on the work phone”.

He proceeded to look through the cordless phone logs, with a very disapproving look on his face.

“Look,” I interrupted, “I know I’m not as experienced as either of them, but neither of them can unload a 1000 pound 3-pallet order of pet food, let alone that I PERSONALLY did that last order, even though it isn’t part of my job! You can’t expect me to enjoy working under that!”

“I get it.” he said wiping his entire forehead off with his sleeve. “I really threw you to the wolves by not being here, but they have seniority and they told me you don’t make the best use of your time”.

“How so?”

“They told me that you exercise instead of working”.

My brow crumpled like a bent encyclopedia.

“I exercise when no one is here and I’ve finished what needs to be done, how is that an issue?”

“They said a customer complained”

“We didn’t have any customers that hour, that’s why I was exercising. Check the camera’s.”

“Look, Bear. My hands are tied, I can’t fire a girl so I have to lay you off”.

^real shit, I kid you not

That probably isn’t even the dumbest thing I’ve been fired over, but damn is it a good example.

What about you guys? What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever been fired, or had to leave a job because of?

Here are some backing tracks to not having a great work day, starting with:

KEITH WHITLEY – IT’S QUITTIN TIME

THE OFFSPRING – WHY DON’T YOU GET A JOB

DOLLY PARTON – 9 To 5

My girlfriend is cuter than yours.

Byyyyyyeeeee~

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