Rigby Explains Metal Gear Solid 3

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (AKA the BEST one)

Part 1: Virtuous Mission

  • Green Beret Nake Snake is assigned to the CIA unit FOX
  • Homeboy gets sent to the USSR to rescue a defecting Soviet scientist named Sokolov
  • Sokolov is extremely whiny and I hate him
  • In between being awful, Sokolov is secretly developing an advanced nuclear tank called, get this: SHAGOHOD
  • This is extremely rad
  • The leader of the mission is Boss, who Snake is lowkey in love with
  • Boss appears and announces dramatically that shes defecting to the Soviet Union
  • Sokolov gets captured by the Cobra Unit (the bad guys)
  • Snake gets chucked off a bridge by Boss
  • One of the bad guys, Volgin, detonates a bomb and blames everything on Boss
  • The BEST THEME SONG IN THE ENTIRE WORLD starts playing as Part 2 of the game starts
  • Snake Eater SLAPS it is a Bop and a half

Part 2: Operation Snake Eater

  • I just figured out it’s called Snake Eater because the bad guys are called the Cobra Unit
  • I’ve played this game several times
  • There’s lots of boring military talk but essentially the Soviets blamed the US for the nuclear attack, so the CIA sends Snake into the Soviet in order to eliminate Boss, The Cobra Unit, and Shagohod, so that they can prove their innocence
  • Snake is NOT HYPED on this because hes soooo gay for Boss
  • As he’s rocking around the jungle eating bugs, he runs into my main bitch EVA, who is an ex soviet agent that defected with a fellow agent named ADAM
  • She’s got some jammers on her
  • Snake fights Ocelot, and the rest of the Cobra Unit in increasingly hilarious scenarios
  • You can drop beehives on Ocelot during one of his fights. Its great
  • Also one of the members of the Cobra Unit is a really old man and hes super hard to beat but you can turn your Playstation clock ahead a week and then go back and he’s dead from old age
  • I love you Kojima, you crazy bastard
  • Anyways, eventually Snake finds Sokolov’s dumb ass and Shagohod
  • He then immediately gets captured by Volgin who then kills Sokolov (bye bitch)
  • Ocelot tortures Snake and jabs his eye out (rude)
  • Snake escapes with the help of EVA who sick punks Ocelots dumb face by smashing him in the face with her motorcycle tire as she does a flip on it
  • It’s life changing
  • Snake goes back AGAIN to the facility to destroy Shagohod and AGAIN immediately gets captured by Volgin
  • Volgin tells Snake that there’s a group of powerful men in the US called THE PHILOSPHERS and they control the world behind the scenes, but after WW2 they all became catty bitches to each other and broke up
  • The Philosophers Legacy is a BUTTLOAD of cash (110 billion!!)
  • Volgin somehow got his greasy mitts on it and the states are trying to get it back
  • Snake is just kinda like “oh ok” about this and then destroys Shagohod
  • Volgin gets struck by lightning and DIES
  • Snake and EVA escape and run into Boss and Its AWKWARD
  • Snake is like “I love you please don’t make me kill you” and she’s like “naw you gotta”
  • They have a super cool fight scene in a flowe field and after he kills her lal the flowers turn from white to red and I died inside the first time I saw this
  • EVA and Snake go to Alaska and she makes him feel better by BANGING him
  • Thus making Naked Snake the only confirmed sex haver of all the Snakes in the series
  • Congrats!
  • She peaces out like the dog she is and leaves behind a microfilm revealing herself to be a Chinese spy sent to steal the money for China!!
  • She stole a microfilm that reveal the location of the money, which she is on her way to get
  • I did NOT see this coming
  • EVA also reveals that the Boss didn’t actually defect to the USSR, She was under orders to pretend to defect so she could infiltrate Volgins ranks and find the money, which should could then bring back to the States
  • Her final mission was to sacrifice herself and die at Snakes hands, under the guise of a traito, which would prove the US Innocence in the nuclear attack
  • You with me still??
  • Snake goes home and is awarded the title of BIG BOSS
  • He’s also DEAD INSIDE and disillusioned with the system and the government he put his trust in
  • He peaces out after he gets his new title and goes to Bosses grave and cries
  • It’s a bummer
  • THE END

BUT WAIT!!!!

  • An after credits scene reveals that Ocelot was TRIPLE CROSSING everyone and the microfilm EVA stole was a FAKE and half the money is in the US and half is with the KGB, and Ocelot was in fact ADAM the whole time!!! And he was working with the CIA!!!
  • THE END! (or is it?) (it is)

********************************

You can find Rigby on twitter shitposting about anime, soju and Godzilla.

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