Resident Evil 7: We’re a horror game again!

• Takes place entirely removed from most of the Resident Evil universe
• First person camera which is a new for the series
• I was skeptical at first but then it scared me immensely
• I got very sweaty and had to get my friend to do some boss fights for me
• Playing it in VR made me no longer fear death
• Stars a brand new brown haired male protagonist Ethan Winters
• Ethan gets a skype(?) call from his missing wife Mia
• Mia’s been missing for 3 years after taking a job with a MYSTERIOUS organization
• Hey guys I wonder what organization it was
• Anyways Mia sends him a message that’s likes “oh shit waddup I’m alive but don’t come find me”
• Ethan CANT TAKE A HINT and discovers the video was sent from a real shithole plantation in Louisiana
• The house also just has a tremendous amount of piles of meat just hanging out
• I don’t think I love anyone enough to even go to a regular house in Louisiana so KUDOS ETHAN
• Ethan finds Mia locked up in a basement and she’s all “oh dang! You shouldn’t have come, things are going poorly!”
• She later illustrates this by going NUTS and attacking him with a chainsaw
• Women, am I right fellas
• Ethan has to kill her because sometimes it be like that
• He gets a phone call from a MYSTERIOUS woman named Zoe
• Zoe is all “WAZZZZZZUP I’ll help you out!”
• Ethan Is happy he made a new friend but sad that his wife is dead
• BUT WAIT Mia somehow survives an axe wound to the neck
• She celebrates by chainsawing off Ethan’s hand
• WOMEN, AM I RIGHT FELLAS
• Ethan rocks around with a bloody stump for awhile
• the first time I played this I assumed I entered a fail state but the game bugged and I was going to have to restart it so he
• wasn’t wandering around with a stump the entire game
• Ethan gets punched out by a dude which might be a louisia
• Ethan wakes up at a really nice family dinner with The Baker family
• Also someone stapled his hand back on for him and hes just like “oh ok”
• The Bakers are NUTS and tell Ethan that Mia is part of the family now and he can be too
• There’s Jack Baker who punched him earlier, his wife Marguerite, some old woman, and their kids Zoe who is regular, and
• their son with a super punchable face named Lucas
• They all look like they survive on a steady diet of Meth and Pepsi
• Methsi
• Ethan wants to peace out IMMEDIATELY and escapes
• Jack is NOT INTO IT and chases him around the house full of MURDEROUS INTENT
• Ethan escapes and crawls around under the house for awhile
• Under the house there’s a bunch of trash and a bottle of laundry detergent called HEY BRO
• It has no bearing on the plot but I just wanted to let you guys know about it
• Anyways, Ethan runs to the basement and finds a bunch of groady leech monsters hanging out down there
• YUCK!
• Zoe contacts him again and she’s all “oh shit waddup, my family is infected with a virus but we can cure it with SEVERAL
• SERUM INGREDIENTS that are scattered around some behind DOORS WITH ORNATE LOCKING DEVICES and
• CONVOLUTED PUZZLES because the game developers remembered they were making a Resident Evil game”
• Ethans like damn ok girl
• While he’s looking for these various bullshit items a cop shows up at the window
• Ethan is pumped and tries to get to the garage to let the cop in
• It goes poorly
• Jack shows up and CUTS THE COPS HEAD IN HALF
• He then hops in a car and starts DRIVING WILDLY around the garage chasing Ethan
• This was both equally parts terrifying and hilarious
• After being set on fire and shot several times, Jack is like “lol welcome to Jackass” and shoots himself in the head
• It was weird
• After this fun adventure Ethan has to fight Marguerite
• Marguerite is a gross crazy half bug lady
• You have to fight her in a greenhouse and she crawls all over the walls
• I made my friend beat this part for me because my hands were too sweaty
• I’m big and tough
• Ethan also keeps running into gross leech monsters who he discovers are people that have had experiments done on
• them
• I assume “Gross weird leech people” was not the desired outcome but WHO KNOWS
• Ethan tries to find the last ingredient for the serum
• It’s a weird mummified baby corpse because WHY NOT
• Lucas shows up and kidnaps Zoe and Mia
• Yea Mia’s alive again I guess
• This part was VERY ANNOYING
• Lucas makes you do stupid puzzles in a barn and he’s just a very unlikeable dickhead
• After defeating Lucas he just RUNS AWAY and Ethan rescues Zoe and Mia
• They make the serum (yay!) but there’s only enough for two syringes DUN DUN DUNNNN
• Jack shows up again and he’s reached his final form of BIG DUMB RESIDENT EVIL MONSTER WITH EYEBALLS ALL OVER
• HIM
• After shooting his many eyeballs Ethan has to use the serum to kill him
• Now he only has ONE left and TWO broads to save
• The game lets you choose either Mia or Zoe but like, who the hell would choose Zoe
• Mia and Ethan hop on a boat and leave Zoe on a dock
• Ethan’s all “Zoe you’re a super girl, I’ll call you sometime” and swears he will get help
• Men, am I right fellas
• The boat immediately gets attacked by monsters and they crash next to a GIANT TANKER THAT I GUESS JUST WASHED
• UP(???)
• The game makes you play as Zoe for a bit because Ethan is KO’d
• It SUCKS
• You rock around this crashed tanker ship for awhile while a SCARY GIRL chases you around
• I think it might be that chick from those F.E.A.R. games or at least a distant cousin
• Her name is Eveline and she keeps calling Mia her mom
• Honestly my worst nightmare even if it wasn’t an evil monster child
• Anyways, this boat is the SS EXPOSITION and we get the back story
• Mia was working for a covert operation transporting Eveline
• Eveline is a BIOWEAPON because this is a Resident Evil game
• Eveline escaped, killed the shit out of everyone and took off
• What a little scamp
• Jack rescued Mia from the tanker and brought her back to the house
• Everyone there got possessed by Eveline’s MIND POWERS
• I guess she’s also turning people into leech monsters? I truly do not remember how those two tie together
• I spent most of this game yelping in fear
• Anyways eventually Ethan wakes up and he’s like “dude wheres my wife”
• Mia got kidnapped AGAIN and Ethan rescues her from a HIDDEN EVIL LABORATORY UNDER A SALT MINE
• Honestly at this point in the game series I didn’t even bat an eye at this
• He rescues Mia again and finds a tunnel that leads from the salt mine back to the Baker house
• HUH???
• So he’s got a serum to kill Eveline with but he can’t find that little scallywag anywhere
• But guess who is there
• THAT OLD BITCH IN THE WHEELCHAIR
• Turns out she is Eveline
• Eveline was obsessed with having a family so she Criss Angel Mindfreaked the Bakers into thinking she was their kid
• I guess the stress of being an evil ghoul is rapidly aging her
• Ethan stabs her with a syringe and she melts into a gross goo pile
• Ethan is like “yuck but I guess that’s the end of that”
• BUT ITS NOT
• Eveline turns into a huge goo monster and wrecks the house and Ethan ends up outside on the lawn all banged up
• HOWS HE GONNA GET OUTTA THIS ONE
• A helicopter rolls up and chucks him a grenade launcher and a walkie talkie
• Stay with me here
• The guy on the walkie is like “what’s good homie? Shoot that monster while I watch from up here it will look super cool” and Ethan does and it DOES LOOK COOL
• The guy from the helicopter lands and its CHRIS REDFIELD
• And he looks WEIRD AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
• To the point I was like “who is this bozo????”
• Anyways, Chris works for BSAA and NEO UMBRELLA
• He extracts Ethan and Mia and then he’s like “well I’m off to go track down that goon Lucas in a new DLC MISSION
• AVAILABLE NOW”
• Ethan and Mia peace out in a helicopter
• Why did Chris look so weird and un-beefy
  THE END

 
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