Rigby Explains Resident Evil 7

Resident Evil 7: We’re a horror game again!

  • Takes place entirely removed from most of the Resident Evil universe
  • First person camera which is a new for the series
  • I was skeptical at first but then it scared me immensely
  • I got very sweaty and had to get my friend to do some boss fights for me
  • Playing it in VR made me no longer fear death
  • Stars a brand new brown haired male protagonist Ethan Winters
  • Ethan gets a skype(?) call from his missing wife Mia
  • Mia’s been missing for 3 years after taking a job with a MYSTERIOUS organization
  • Hey guys I wonder what organization it was
  • Anyways Mia sends him a message that’s likes “oh shit waddup I’m alive but don’t come find me”
  • Ethan CANT TAKE A HINT and discovers the video was sent from a real shithole plantation in Louisiana
  • The house also just has a tremendous amount of piles of meat just hanging out
  • I don’t think I love anyone enough to even go to a regular house in Louisiana so KUDOS ETHAN
  • Ethan finds Mia locked up in a basement and she’s all “oh dang! You shouldn’t have come, things are going poorly!”
  • She later illustrates this by going NUTS and attacking him with a chainsaw
  • Women, am I right fellas
  • Ethan has to kill her because sometimes it be like that
  • He gets a phone call from a MYSTERIOUS woman named Zoe
  • Zoe is all “WAZZZZZZUP I’ll help you out!”
  • Ethan Is happy he made a new friend but sad that his wife is dead
  • BUT WAIT Mia somehow survives an axe wound to the neck
  • She celebrates by chainsawing off Ethan’s hand
  • Ethan rocks around with a bloody stump for awhile
  • the first time I played this I assumed I entered a fail state but the game bugged and I was going to have to restart it so he
  • wasn’t wandering around with a stump the entire game
  • Ethan gets punched out by a dude which might be a louisia
  • Ethan wakes up at a really nice family dinner with The Baker family
  • Also someone stapled his hand back on for him and hes just like “oh ok”
  • The Bakers are NUTS and tell Ethan that Mia is part of the family now and he can be too
  • There’s Jack Baker who punched him earlier, his wife Marguerite, some old woman, and their kids Zoe who is regular, and
  • their son with a super punchable face named Lucas
  • They all look like they survive on a steady diet of Meth and Pepsi
  • Methsi
  • Ethan wants to peace out IMMEDIATELY and escapes
  • Jack is NOT INTO IT and chases him around the house full of MURDEROUS INTENT
  • Ethan escapes and crawls around under the house for awhile
  • Under the house there’s a bunch of trash and a bottle of laundry detergent called HEY BRO
  • It has no bearing on the plot but I just wanted to let you guys know about it
  • Anyways, Ethan runs to the basement and finds a bunch of groady leech monsters hanging out down there
  • YUCK!
  • Zoe contacts him again and she’s all “oh shit waddup, my family is infected with a virus but we can cure it with SEVERAL
  • SERUM INGREDIENTS that are scattered around some behind DOORS WITH ORNATE LOCKING DEVICES and
  • CONVOLUTED PUZZLES because the game developers remembered they were making a Resident Evil game”
  • Ethans like damn ok girl
  • While he’s looking for these various bullshit items a cop shows up at the window
  • Ethan is pumped and tries to get to the garage to let the cop in
  • It goes poorly
  • Jack shows up and CUTS THE COPS HEAD IN HALF
  • He then hops in a car and starts DRIVING WILDLY around the garage chasing Ethan
  • This was both equally parts terrifying and hilarious
  • After being set on fire and shot several times, Jack is like “lol welcome to Jackass” and shoots himself in the head
  • It was weird
  • After this fun adventure Ethan has to fight Marguerite
  • Marguerite is a gross crazy half bug lady
  • You have to fight her in a greenhouse and she crawls all over the walls
  • I made my friend beat this part for me because my hands were too sweaty
  • I’m big and tough
  • Ethan also keeps running into gross leech monsters who he discovers are people that have had experiments done on
  • them
  • I assume “Gross weird leech people” was not the desired outcome but WHO KNOWS
  • Ethan tries to find the last ingredient for the serum
  • It’s a weird mummified baby corpse because WHY NOT
  • Lucas shows up and kidnaps Zoe and Mia
  • Yea Mia’s alive again I guess
  • This part was VERY ANNOYING
  • Lucas makes you do stupid puzzles in a barn and he’s just a very unlikeable dickhead
  • After defeating Lucas he just RUNS AWAY and Ethan rescues Zoe and Mia
  • They make the serum (yay!) but there’s only enough for two syringes DUN DUN DUNNNN
  • Jack shows up again and he’s reached his final form of BIG DUMB RESIDENT EVIL MONSTER WITH EYEBALLS ALL OVER
  • HIM
  • After shooting his many eyeballs Ethan has to use the serum to kill him
  • Now he only has ONE left and TWO broads to save
  • The game lets you choose either Mia or Zoe but like, who the hell would choose Zoe
  • Mia and Ethan hop on a boat and leave Zoe on a dock
  • Ethan’s all “Zoe you’re a super girl, I’ll call you sometime” and swears he will get help
  • Men, am I right fellas
  • The boat immediately gets attacked by monsters and they crash next to a GIANT TANKER THAT I GUESS JUST WASHED
  • UP(???)
  • The game makes you play as Zoe for a bit because Ethan is KO’d
  • It SUCKS
  • You rock around this crashed tanker ship for awhile while a SCARY GIRL chases you around
  • I think it might be that chick from those F.E.A.R. games or at least a distant cousin
  • Her name is Eveline and she keeps calling Mia her mom
  • Honestly my worst nightmare even if it wasn’t an evil monster child
  • Anyways, this boat is the SS EXPOSITION and we get the back story
  • Mia was working for a covert operation transporting Eveline
  • Eveline is a BIOWEAPON because this is a Resident Evil game
  • Eveline escaped, killed the shit out of everyone and took off
  • What a little scamp
  • Jack rescued Mia from the tanker and brought her back to the house
  • Everyone there got possessed by Eveline’s MIND POWERS
  • I guess she’s also turning people into leech monsters? I truly do not remember how those two tie together
  • I spent most of this game yelping in fear
  • Anyways eventually Ethan wakes up and he’s like “dude wheres my wife”
  • Mia got kidnapped AGAIN and Ethan rescues her from a HIDDEN EVIL LABORATORY UNDER A SALT MINE
  • Honestly at this point in the game series I didn’t even bat an eye at this
  • He rescues Mia again and finds a tunnel that leads from the salt mine back to the Baker house
  • HUH???
  • So he’s got a serum to kill Eveline with but he can’t find that little scallywag anywhere
  • But guess who is there
  • Turns out she is Eveline
  • Eveline was obsessed with having a family so she Criss Angel Mindfreaked the Bakers into thinking she was their kid
  • I guess the stress of being an evil ghoul is rapidly aging her
  • Ethan stabs her with a syringe and she melts into a gross goo pile
  • Ethan is like “yuck but I guess that’s the end of that”
  • Eveline turns into a huge goo monster and wrecks the house and Ethan ends up outside on the lawn all banged up
  • A helicopter rolls up and chucks him a grenade launcher and a walkie talkie
  • Stay with me here
  • The guy on the walkie is like “what’s good homie? Shoot that monster while I watch from up here it will look super cool” and Ethan does and it DOES LOOK COOL
  • The guy from the helicopter lands and its CHRIS REDFIELD
  • To the point I was like “who is this bozo????”
  • Anyways, Chris works for BSAA and NEO UMBRELLA
  • He extracts Ethan and Mia and then he’s like “well I’m off to go track down that goon Lucas in a new DLC MISSION
  • Ethan and Mia peace out in a helicopter
  • Why did Chris look so weird and un-beefy


You can find Rigby on twitter shitposting about anime, soju and Godzilla.

Stay tuned for more Let’s Play steams from Rigby on her twitch and be sure to subscribe to her youtube channel.

Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel and like us on facebook, Instagram, and on Twitter.

You can send us beer money on Patreon

You can find our podcast on iTunes, be sure to leave us a review if you are so inclined.

Jimmies rustled? Wanna fight about it? Let us know why below!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.