Rigby Explains Resident Evil 7

Resident Evil 7: We’re a horror game again!

  • Takes place entirely removed from most of the Resident Evil universe
  • First person camera which is a new for the series
  • I was skeptical at first but then it scared me immensely
  • I got very sweaty and had to get my friend to do some boss fights for me
  • Playing it in VR made me no longer fear death
  • Stars a brand new brown haired male protagonist Ethan Winters
  • Ethan gets a skype(?) call from his missing wife Mia
  • Mia’s been missing for 3 years after taking a job with a MYSTERIOUS organization
  • Hey guys I wonder what organization it was
  • Anyways Mia sends him a message that’s likes “oh shit waddup I’m alive but don’t come find me”
  • Ethan CANT TAKE A HINT and discovers the video was sent from a real shithole plantation in Louisiana
  • The house also just has a tremendous amount of piles of meat just hanging out
  • I don’t think I love anyone enough to even go to a regular house in Louisiana so KUDOS ETHAN
  • Ethan finds Mia locked up in a basement and she’s all “oh dang! You shouldn’t have come, things are going poorly!”
  • She later illustrates this by going NUTS and attacking him with a chainsaw
  • Women, am I right fellas
  • Ethan has to kill her because sometimes it be like that
  • He gets a phone call from a MYSTERIOUS woman named Zoe
  • Zoe is all “WAZZZZZZUP I’ll help you out!”
  • Ethan Is happy he made a new friend but sad that his wife is dead
  • BUT WAIT Mia somehow survives an axe wound to the neck
  • She celebrates by chainsawing off Ethan’s hand
  • WOMEN, AM I RIGHT FELLAS
  • Ethan rocks around with a bloody stump for awhile
  • the first time I played this I assumed I entered a fail state but the game bugged and I was going to have to restart it so he
  • wasn’t wandering around with a stump the entire game
  • Ethan gets punched out by a dude which might be a louisia
  • Ethan wakes up at a really nice family dinner with The Baker family
  • Also someone stapled his hand back on for him and hes just like “oh ok”
  • The Bakers are NUTS and tell Ethan that Mia is part of the family now and he can be too
  • There’s Jack Baker who punched him earlier, his wife Marguerite, some old woman, and their kids Zoe who is regular, and
  • their son with a super punchable face named Lucas
  • They all look like they survive on a steady diet of Meth and Pepsi
  • Methsi
  • Ethan wants to peace out IMMEDIATELY and escapes
  • Jack is NOT INTO IT and chases him around the house full of MURDEROUS INTENT
  • Ethan escapes and crawls around under the house for awhile
  • Under the house there’s a bunch of trash and a bottle of laundry detergent called HEY BRO
  • It has no bearing on the plot but I just wanted to let you guys know about it
  • Anyways, Ethan runs to the basement and finds a bunch of groady leech monsters hanging out down there
  • YUCK!
  • Zoe contacts him again and she’s all “oh shit waddup, my family is infected with a virus but we can cure it with SEVERAL
  • SERUM INGREDIENTS that are scattered around some behind DOORS WITH ORNATE LOCKING DEVICES and
  • CONVOLUTED PUZZLES because the game developers remembered they were making a Resident Evil game”
  • Ethans like damn ok girl
  • While he’s looking for these various bullshit items a cop shows up at the window
  • Ethan is pumped and tries to get to the garage to let the cop in
  • It goes poorly
  • Jack shows up and CUTS THE COPS HEAD IN HALF
  • He then hops in a car and starts DRIVING WILDLY around the garage chasing Ethan
  • This was both equally parts terrifying and hilarious
  • After being set on fire and shot several times, Jack is like “lol welcome to Jackass” and shoots himself in the head
  • It was weird
  • After this fun adventure Ethan has to fight Marguerite
  • Marguerite is a gross crazy half bug lady
  • You have to fight her in a greenhouse and she crawls all over the walls
  • I made my friend beat this part for me because my hands were too sweaty
  • I’m big and tough
  • Ethan also keeps running into gross leech monsters who he discovers are people that have had experiments done on
  • them
  • I assume “Gross weird leech people” was not the desired outcome but WHO KNOWS
  • Ethan tries to find the last ingredient for the serum
  • It’s a weird mummified baby corpse because WHY NOT
  • Lucas shows up and kidnaps Zoe and Mia
  • Yea Mia’s alive again I guess
  • This part was VERY ANNOYING
  • Lucas makes you do stupid puzzles in a barn and he’s just a very unlikeable dickhead
  • After defeating Lucas he just RUNS AWAY and Ethan rescues Zoe and Mia
  • They make the serum (yay!) but there’s only enough for two syringes DUN DUN DUNNNN
  • Jack shows up again and he’s reached his final form of BIG DUMB RESIDENT EVIL MONSTER WITH EYEBALLS ALL OVER
  • HIM
  • After shooting his many eyeballs Ethan has to use the serum to kill him
  • Now he only has ONE left and TWO broads to save
  • The game lets you choose either Mia or Zoe but like, who the hell would choose Zoe
  • Mia and Ethan hop on a boat and leave Zoe on a dock
  • Ethan’s all “Zoe you’re a super girl, I’ll call you sometime” and swears he will get help
  • Men, am I right fellas
  • The boat immediately gets attacked by monsters and they crash next to a GIANT TANKER THAT I GUESS JUST WASHED
  • UP(???)
  • The game makes you play as Zoe for a bit because Ethan is KO’d
  • It SUCKS
  • You rock around this crashed tanker ship for awhile while a SCARY GIRL chases you around
  • I think it might be that chick from those F.E.A.R. games or at least a distant cousin
  • Her name is Eveline and she keeps calling Mia her mom
  • Honestly my worst nightmare even if it wasn’t an evil monster child
  • Anyways, this boat is the SS EXPOSITION and we get the back story
  • Mia was working for a covert operation transporting Eveline
  • Eveline is a BIOWEAPON because this is a Resident Evil game
  • Eveline escaped, killed the shit out of everyone and took off
  • What a little scamp
  • Jack rescued Mia from the tanker and brought her back to the house
  • Everyone there got possessed by Eveline’s MIND POWERS
  • I guess she’s also turning people into leech monsters? I truly do not remember how those two tie together
  • I spent most of this game yelping in fear
  • Anyways eventually Ethan wakes up and he’s like “dude wheres my wife”
  • Mia got kidnapped AGAIN and Ethan rescues her from a HIDDEN EVIL LABORATORY UNDER A SALT MINE
  • Honestly at this point in the game series I didn’t even bat an eye at this
  • He rescues Mia again and finds a tunnel that leads from the salt mine back to the Baker house
  • HUH???
  • So he’s got a serum to kill Eveline with but he can’t find that little scallywag anywhere
  • But guess who is there
  • THAT OLD BITCH IN THE WHEELCHAIR
  • Turns out she is Eveline
  • Eveline was obsessed with having a family so she Criss Angel Mindfreaked the Bakers into thinking she was their kid
  • I guess the stress of being an evil ghoul is rapidly aging her
  • Ethan stabs her with a syringe and she melts into a gross goo pile
  • Ethan is like “yuck but I guess that’s the end of that”
  • BUT ITS NOT
  • Eveline turns into a huge goo monster and wrecks the house and Ethan ends up outside on the lawn all banged up
  • HOWS HE GONNA GET OUTTA THIS ONE
  • A helicopter rolls up and chucks him a grenade launcher and a walkie talkie
  • Stay with me here
  • The guy on the walkie is like “what’s good homie? Shoot that monster while I watch from up here it will look super cool” and Ethan does and it DOES LOOK COOL
  • The guy from the helicopter lands and its CHRIS REDFIELD
  • And he looks WEIRD AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
  • To the point I was like “who is this bozo????”
  • Anyways, Chris works for BSAA and NEO UMBRELLA
  • He extracts Ethan and Mia and then he’s like “well I’m off to go track down that goon Lucas in a new DLC MISSION
  • AVAILABLE NOW”
  • Ethan and Mia peace out in a helicopter
  • Why did Chris look so weird and un-beefy
    THE END

 
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You can find Rigby on twitter shitposting about anime, soju and Godzilla.

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