Rigby Explains Resident Evil 6

Resident Evil 6: HUH???

  • By far the most confusing of all the games
  • I’ve played it twice with two different people and still have no idea what’s happening in it
  • I’m pretty sure everyone hated this game
  • It’s split into 3 different parts with 2 different characters in each part
  • I’m convinced they did the pairing specifically to start fights between friends because its always someone cool paired with some dud
  • I’m going to have to break this up into sections because my god it’s confusing
  • This is my creative opus

 

Leon & Helena vs The Bolo Tie Killer:

  • Leon is straight chillin’ straightening his bangs or something when he gets a call that there’s a BOW attack at a college
  • He’s got a mission to rescue survivors and he’s paired up with Helena Harper
  • WHO???
  • Exactly
  • Helena is like “I’m a new character because I guess Capcom forgot about Jill, Rebecca, Carlos, and even Billy as other characters that they created and could have used in my place, oh well!”
  • She also tells him that she feels responsible for this attack but she’ll EXPLAIN LATER because it will cause SUSPENSE
  • They make their way through the infected campus to a church and after doing some STUPID puzzles to open a secret underground lab because that’s where all those church donations go
  • There’s lots of groady cocoons hanging out in this lab and its YUCKY
  • Leon finds a tape showing his TRU LUV 4EVA Ada Wong being squirted out of a cocoon
  • Leon’s like “hmm gross” and is understandably both confused and handsome
  • Helena fesses up that she brought him here to help her rescue her sister Deborah
  • Deborah is not looking so hot because she’s a big gross slimy woman now who proceeds to kick the shit out of Leon and Helena
  • The monster has fully rendered breasts though so good job everyone at Capcom
  • Ada shows up and she’s all “what’s up homies! I’m here with a cool grappling hook gun and a new outfit!”
  • Leon’s super pumped to see her but then remembers she might be a cocoon monster so he’s kinda mean to her
  • Anyways Helena kills Deborah after shooting several EXPLOSIVE VIDEOGAME BARRELS and injuring her
  • Helena fesses up that Deb was kidnapped by a man named Simmons, who I might add is wearing a BOLO TIE
  • Simmons is a presidential aide and wanted to pull a John Wilkes Booth on the president but with ZOMBIES and blackmailed Helena into helping her
  • Helena’s like “my bad” and Leon and her team up to take down Simmons and his awful bolo tie
  • This dude doesn’t even have a southern accent so there’s no way he’s pulling off that tie
  • They chase Simmons and have a very dumb fight on a train and then eventually end up on a plane going to China
  • I’m telling you guys, this game…it’s…a mess
  • So now they’re in China because why not
  • They run into Sherry Birkin, who you may remember as the shit kid from RE2
  • Sherry works for Simmons and Leon’s like “guuurl this dude sucks and is evil and wears a bolo tie” Sherry’s like “you make a good point” and tells him where Simmons is
  • Leon and Helena also spot Ada who is in China too(???) and try to catch her but they run into Chris “I’m a big beefy hunk” Redfield who is also in China!
  • Chris is all “oh Leon! My frenemy who I have a tremendous amount of sexual tension with! I’m trying to kill Ada so let’s have a weird standoff with lots of punches and kicks before we come to a mutual understanding and in the meantime Ada will escape” and then THEY DO
  • Leon is all “this isn’t over! Also I love you” and they part ways so Chris can go punch boulders or monsters or something
  • Eventually Leon and Helena fight and kill Simmons who is now a big gross monster because of course he is
  • Helena and Leon then board a helicopter out of China because it quite frankly sucks ass what with the zombies and the explosions

THE END

Chris & Piers vs Depression:

  • Chris is super bummed what with his life being a living hell and all that
  • Piers is his plucky partner who still has hope for the future and thinks Chris is the best thing ever
  • Piers is AWFUL I HATE HIM
  • Anyways, Piers finds Chris wasted in some bar and he’s like “hey Chris I know you’re on the verge of suicide and your life is in shambles because of the never ending parade of horrors you’ve had to experience but things are going poorly in
  • China can you come help”
  • Chris is drinking his feelings and also he can’t remember a lot of what happened to him in the past few months what with the trauma and the booze
  • Piers thinks the perfect thing to shake him out of his funk is to go kill some monsters
  • One of which is a GIANT STUPID MONSTER THAT TOOK LIKE 30 MINUTES TO KILL
  • I was playing co-op and my friend had to google how to kill the thing
  • We are not good at this game
  • Chris is like “wow pulling that thing out of that monsters back at AN EXTREMELY UNCLEAR QTE PROMPT THAT APPEARED SPORADICALLY really helped me emotionally”
  • He still can’t remember the last few months of his life but that’s ok because he’s CUTE and DUMB
  • Piers and Chris kill a bunch of extremely annoying enemies who have stupid cricket legs they stomp you with and also they have machetes so it seems very unfair
  • They see Ada doing her thing and Chris is like OH I REMEMBER NOW
  • Turns out Ada killed like… ALL of Chris’ teammates months ago in a viral attack and he was so traumatized by it his brain was like “naw we’re not remembering this”
  • He goes bonkers and is like “We gotta kill this broad!” and then Leon shows up and he’s like NOT SO FAST BOZO, but we already went over this several bullet points ago so let’s move on
  • Piers and Chris attempt to stop a ZOMBIE MISSILE that I guess will shoot a virus all over the world and turn people into zombies??
  • This game…is so bad
  • China is now just chock full of zombies and I was like “oh yes I’ll finally get to shoot zombies in this zombie game!”
  • BUT INSTEAD we got a completely out of left field sequence where you had to shoot missiles at an aircraft carrier and then plant timed bombs on it
  • This is hands down the most BIZARRE thing I ever expected in this game series
  • After this brief journey into a Call of Duty game, Chris and Piers head into Bioshock when they stumble into an underwater research facility to I guess rescue Sherry
  • Sherry is with Jake
  • WHO???
  • Jake is Weskers kid
  • The most shocking thing about this is that someone let Wesker nut in them
  • Chris is like “hey bad news I killed your dad, but good news I punched a boulder to pieces and it was hella rad”
  • Jake is upset by this even though his dad was somehow both a complete loser and an evil genius
  • Jake has magic blood that’s immune to the infection because this game is stupid and they’re going to use it to stop the zombie uprising
  • Luckily this awkward moment is broken up by the arrival of a big dumb stupid Resident Evil monster that TAKES FOREVER TO KILL OH MY GOD
  • Piers gets his arms crushed in the tussle and injects himself with the virus in order to save his precious angel Chris
  • Piers gets a mutated arm that for some reason shoots electricity(???)
  • After SMASHING THE X BUTTON FOR SO LONG I HAD TO GET A SPOON TO RUN OVER THE BUTTON BECAUSE I WAS TOO WEAK Piers eventually kills the thing
  • Piers is like “well I’m an awful monster man now but I can still save my sweet sweet Christopher” and loads him into an escape pod
  • I assume he gave him a tender kiss on the forehead that we just didn’t see
  • Anyways the water base blows up and Piers dies along with any hopes and dreams I had for this game being enjoyable
  • Chris is like “I’m still dead inside but I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on”
  • He is so tired and sad

THE END

Jake & Sherry vs Character Irrelevance:

  • Jake is some mercenary bozo and gets caught up in a virus attack that kills all of his comrades and a bunch of villagers
  • This is the same attack that made Chris into a sad wino
  • Anyways, he’s like “oh shit I guess I’m immune or whatever”
  • Sherry rolls up because she’s working for the Government and she’s like “this is an attack from NEO UMBRELLA”
  • Which…like..come on guys that name…is so stupid
  • She tells Jake he has antibodies in his blood and he’s the key to making an antivirus
  • Jake’s like oh ok FOR A PRICE
  • He’s a dickhole so he will only do it for 50 million smackers!
  • Sherry is like “Well you’re clearly a villain but I’m sure through our shared experience you will eventually soften and after a journey of self discovery you will come out the other end a changed man capable of love”
  • Jake’s like “naw”
  • They end up WORKING TOGETHER to attack a monster and then they get into a helicopter accident
  • Sherry throws herself in the way of shrapnel to protect Jakes stupid ass
  • Jake is like “oh no! I suddenly…CARE” and tries to save Sherry but she’s like “I got this”
  • Her wounds heal up because she’s got that stupid virus she got infected with in RE2
  • The fact that they both have weirdo freak blood brings them CLOSER TOGETHER
  • Also this entire scene takes place in a snowy hill in an abandoned cabin and I was like CANT YOU SEE YOU LOVE EACH OTHER
  • Before they can PRESS X TO KISS they get kidnapped by Neo Umbrella
  • They’re whisked away to glamorous China and a very tedious SNEAKING MISSION happens where you have to escape and then reunite with your partner
  • Also Sherry is wearing a hospital gown that is extremely short and low cut and I think Jake’s just freeballing in pajama pants
  • Her tits are unreasonably out for the situation they’re in
  • Jake has found out by now that he’s Weskers kid and he’s like “oh no I’m cursed to be a stupid goth nerd”
  • Sherry gives him a motivational speech about how his bloodline doesn’t make him the man he is and he can choose his own destiny
  • Jake is like “hmm you’ve given me a lot to think about Sherry, and Sherry’s breasts”
  • They escape and find a motorcycle which is perfect for a daring motorcycle action sequence
  • Oh they’re back in actual clothes at this point too unfortunately
  • They fight some zombies with Leon and Helena for a bit but then get captured again like a couple of real idiots
  • They’re just kinda chillin in that underwater base until Chris and his boyfriend come and rescue them
  • Jake forgives Chris for killing his lame father that he just found out was his dad like 4 chapters ago but WHATEVER
  • Sherry and Jake eventually escape and Jake is all “I’ve had a change of heart and it’s all thanks to your belief in me and also your breasts”
  • He said he’ll give his blood as a sample still but he lowers his asking price from 50 million to just 50 bucks
  • Hahaah oh Jake! You little scamp!
  • Also I thought 10000% Jake and Sherry would hook up at the end but he just peaces out to go help relief efforts or something
  • Lame.

THE END

  • Oh also turns out that the Ada that was in the game was actually some woman named Carla that was created to look exactly like Ada to I guess screw with everyone??
  • Simmons made her because the real Ada wasn’t obedient enough when she was working for him
  • yikes
  • The real Ada was helping out Leon and Helena
  • The fake Ada was the one who killed all of Chris’ men
  • Ada’s an asshole but she’s not that big of an asshole
  • Ada eventually kills fake Ada and then just peaces out in a very Ada fashion

THE END

********************************

You can find Rigby on twitter shitposting about anime, soju and Godzilla.

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