Rigby Explains Resident Evil 5

 

  • Takes place 5 years after RE4, which you might remember as the best Resident Evil
  • Chris is now a member of BSAA which stands for BIOTERRORISM SECURITY ASSESSMENT ALLIANCE
  • I always read it as “BASS” because my brain no work so good
  • Anyways, Chris is a real sad sack in this game
  • He gets dispatched to Africa and meets up with new teammate, Sheva Alomar
  • Sheva is actually pretty legit but never gets much love
  • They’re in Africa because they got a tip off that some jerkoff is gonna sell the virus to make BOW’s on the black market
  • They also discover that a bunch of the locals have been infected with the parasite from the 4th game
  • But in this one they call them MAIJINI because its EXOTIC
  • There’s a weirdly super hard part right at the very beginning where you have to kill tons of enemies and one guy has a chainsaw
  • When I first played this I gave up at this point for SEVERAL YEARS
  • I am a quitter
  • Chris and Sheva meet up with some dude named Josh that works with Sheva
  • Josh is like “get a load of this” and shows them a picture of Jill Valentine
  • Chris freaks the fuck out because he thought Jill was dead in an encounter with WESKER that we will later experience through the magic of FLASHBACKS
  • Chris is highkey in love with Jill and we all know it
  • Chris, Josh and Sheva go find that scallywag that’s going to sell the virus on the black market but then GET ATTACKED by an enemy in a SUPER COOL costume
  • Its like one of those old tymey plague doctor mask things, its super rad
  • Anyways, everything goes to shit and a bunch of people die
  • Also you have to fight this stupid leech monster by making it explode in an incinerator
  • IT SUCKED
  • Chris is asked to report back to BSAA but hes like “lol no” because he wants to find his homie Jill
  • Understandable, Jill rules extremely hard
  • Shevas like “whats your deal with this chick” and Chris is like “well heres a FLASHBACK”
  • 3 years ago Chris and Jill were on a mission trying to track down their everyones favourite goth moron WESKER
  • Wesker was about to kill Chris in a very dramatic fight in a library(?) but Jill tackled Wesker at the last minute and they both fired out a window
  • No one could find their bodies so they assumed they were dead but since this is a videogame we all know where this is going
  • Shevas like “oh shit that’s nuts but ok lets go find her”
  • Sheva and Chris boot around a marsh for a bit doing god knows what, and eventually find ol’ Josh
  • They also find that dickhole from earlier that was selling the weapons, Irving
  • Irving decides to inject himself with the virus and turns into a big monster
  • Why do villians in Resident Evil games constantly do this
  • They’re like “I’m about to be caught! Better turn myself into a gigantic monster from which I can never return to human form! that will show them!”
  • Like, what is the end game here
  • Anyways, Chris and Sheva kill him and his “perfect plan”(?) is ruined
  • For some reason he’s like “eh what the hell, there’s a weird cave where I got the virus” as hes dying
  • These games…are so bad
  • So Sheva and Chris go check out this cave and have to fight this horribly annoying bat..bird..fly(?) thing?? that you have to use proximity mines on
  • I hated it
  • I never use grenades or bombs in these games because I constantly forget about them
  • I feel like if I played these games correctly I would be much better at them but here we are
  • ANYWAYS in the cave they find a MYSTERIOUS FLOWER used to create viruses for Umbrella because why the hell not
  • The flower is called STAIRWAY OF THE SUN which sounds suspiciously like something that would be in a Metal Gear game
  • They also find a bunch of weird pods that Umbrella was using to make monsters in
  • Chris is like “oh shit Jill loved hanging out in ominous pods in a mysterious cave maybe shes in one”
  • But shes NOT
  • Chris is SUPER SAD
  • They meet up with this broad named Excella who is working for WESKER because his dumb ass is STILL ALIVE
  • Her tits are OUT FOR THE BOYS
  • Excella is like “suck on this morons” and makes them fight ANOTHER STUPID LEECH MONSTER
  • Chris and Sheva also encounter that cool masked enemy from earlier and Chris shoots off the mask and GUESS WHAT
  • GUESS WHO IT IS
  • ITS JILL
  • WOW
  • Chris is like “oh shit!!! whats up girl!” and Jill is like “new brainwashed brain, who dis?” and doesn’t recognize him and instead kicks his ass
  • Wesker shows up and hes like “oh word? You haven’t heard? Jill works for me now bozo”
  • And Sheva is like “Chris your friends are weird”
  • Jill eventually is like “wait a minute, I know this hunk” and tries to shake off the brainwashing
  • Chris realizes she has some dumb weird Chronos looking ass contraption stuck to her chest so him and Sheva team up to rip if off of Jill and break the brainwashing
  • Jills like “ow! But thanks!” and Chris is super pumped his bestie is back to normal
  • Jills still pretty banged up so shes like “ok im gonna sit this one out can you go save the world from Wesker?” and Chris and Sheva continue on their way while Jill does a DLC MISSION included in the SPECIAL EDITION OF THE GAME because Capcom is GREEDY
  • Chris and Sheva meet up with Excella and Wesker ( sounds like an independent jewellery company) and find out that Wesker has to get injected with this serum to I guess uhh keep his weird monster abilities at bay(?)
  • They have a showdown on a Jet because why not, because Wesker is going to drop a virus on the planet and apparently this altitude is perfect for “global saturation” which is just a hilarious phrase and I like to say it a lot
  • It’s no “wow! What a mansion!” but “complete global saturation” is a close second
  • The jet crashes into a VOLCANO and even I was like OH COME ON
  • Wesker really loses his shit this time and has a real rant about how hes a perfect specimen for the future of mankind
  • I also seem to remember he was like “Chris you can be perfect too if you wanna join me as a weird monster” and I was like “uhhh huh???” but I might be thinking of a romantic fan fiction that I haven’t written yet. I mean what
  • Forget that last part
  • Anyways, the BEST PART IN THE ENTIRE GAME HAPPENS when Sheva and Chris get separated running from Wesker and Chris has to PUNCH A GIGANTIC BOULDER TO PIECES
  • I think this is wildly considered to be a real low point in the series because of how dumb It is but I LOVED IT
  • I talk about it CONSTANTLY
  • Wesker sees how utterly radical Chris is and realizes that he can never be as cool as he is so he just kinda falls in the lava like a loser
  • Josh comes back in a helicopter with Jill and they rescue Chris and Sheva with a ladder (YAY) but since this is Resident Evil game, Wesker comes back for one last attack
  • Chris and Sheva attack and kill him with an RPG and its RADICAL
  • The four of them leave in a helicopter and Chris has a voice over where hes like “shit sucks but I’ll keep punching boulders and shooting monsters to protect the ones I love”
  • Which is just a really great way to live your life
  • Lets all start living life the Chris Redfield way

THE END

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You can find Rigby on twitter shitposting about anime, soju and Godzilla.

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