Rigby Explains Resident Evil 3: AKA Oh Shit Here’s Nemesis!

nemesis

  • Takes place 24 hours before RE2
  • This time we get to play as everyone’s favourite beret enthusiast Jill Valentine
  • Jill is rocking around Raccoon City trying to I guess find Chris’ dumb ass
  • Anyways, she heads to the police dept. and guess who is there
  • BRAD VICKERS
  • Who you might remember as a total bitch in the first Resident Evil when he abandoned everyone
  • Jill is like WELL WELL WELL LOOK WHO IT IS
  • She rescues him from a zombie and he’s like “there’s no escape!!!”
  • Jill is like “whatever you big puss puss, let’s get going”
  • Brad is then immediately killed by the new enemy of the game NEMESIS
  • Jill is like “oh shit! I guess he was right!”
  • Now a fun aspect of the game is there is multiple times where you run into Nemesis and you can just run away from him
  • It’s pretty funny actually, like you run into an alley and he’s just chillin there yelling and swinging his stupid big mutant arms around and you’re like “oh dang I’m outta here” and go into a building
  • Nemesis apparently can’t open doors
  • Anyways, if you do end up fighting him in these optional boss fights I think you get better ammo and items so it rewards you for not being a coward
  • Jill runs into some people from UBCS which is UMBRELLA BIOHAZARD COUNTERMEASURE SERVICE
  • This acronym is….terrible
  • I hate it so much
  • Umbrella is such a trainwreck of a company they have an entire department dedicated to cleaning up their numerous fuck ups
  • Anyways, its Carlos, Mikhail and Nikolai and she’s like “oh hey new friends, two of which are so unimportant that there’s not even a Wikipedia article for you, I’m sure this will be the start of a long partnership”
  • Nikolai is like “hey so since this is a videogame we gotta alert a helicopter that we’re here for rescue but we can only do that by inexplicably climbing a bell tower and ringing a bell”
  • Jill’s like “yea that makes sense since you can hear a bell ring over the sound of a helicopters noise and apparently walkie talkies don’t exist so yea I’m on board”
  • They decide to take a tram to the tower instead of wandering around the zombie infested streets but GUESS WHAT its BROKEN and they have to go on a VIDEOGAME FETCH QUEST
  • Carlos and Jill find the parts they need and they’re like “good news! We found what we needed! Bad news! We lost Nikolai”
  • They’re like “you know what, Nikolai would have wanted us to carry on with this extremely stupid plan in his honor” and they hop on the tram
  • SUDDENLY Nemesis shows up and Mikhail sacrifices himself with a grenade to save Carlos and Jill
  • Rest in literal pieces Mikhail
  • The tram crashes anyways (good effort Mikhail)
  • Carlos and Jill carry on to the tower and have to do an EXTREMELY ANNOYING PUZZLE to get the bell to ring
  • Too bad all this time filler to make the games runtime seem longer is for NOTHING
  • Because Nemesis shows up again with a frigging bazooka (???) and shoots down the helicopter
  • Carlos and Jill have a super cool fight with Nemesis and end up “killing him” WINK WINK in a fire but bad news, Jill got infected in the ordeal
  • Jill ends up in the hospital and Carlos is such a bro he runs around trying to find a cure
  • While he’s playing doctor, he runs into another UBCS member and hes like “whats good homeboy” and the guy’s like “oh things could be better, I got shot by NIKOLAI and now I’m dead” and then he DIES
  • Carlos is understandably like “say whaaaaat???” but just kinda forget about it for awhile because hes gotta save Jill
  • Oh also, the hospital has bombs planted all around it
  • I probably should have mentioned that earlier
  • Anyways, Carlos and Jill escape and hes like “I made you a vaccine that works…kinda”
  • The virus remains in Jill but its dormant and Carlos is like I TRIED MY BEST
  • You did great Carlos, we’re all very proud of you
  • Carlos and Jill head out to try and escape and Jill finds a HIDDEN SECRET ROOM OF MYSTERY in a cemetery because this wouldn’t be a Resident Evil game without one of those
  • Oh boy but guess who else is there
  • NIKOLAI
  • She’s like oh shit waddup traitor?
  • Turns out Nikolai is a “supervisor” (lol) who got sent to gather data for Umbrella on their Bio Weapons
  • Hey, here’s a report for you: they suck ass and you guys are terrible buffoons at your jobs
  • Jill is understandably confused by this stupid backstory but is interrupted by a big dumb worm monster
  • Jill kills the worm but Nikolai has ESCAPED
  • Also I cannot remember at all where Carlos was during this entire debacle, I think they split up for some reason
  • Anywho, Jill stumbles on a factory that I guess…exists…under the park (?) because why not
  • This is like in Resident Evil 6 where you start in a college library and somehow end up in the mine cart level from Donkey Kong Country
  • Recapping Resident Evil 6 will be my Vietnam
  • Jill runs into Carlos and hes like “guuurl guess what, the Government is gonna blow up Raccoon City to get rid of the T Virus” which we ALREADY KNEW Through the magic of a CONFUSING TIMELINE OF GAMES
  • They’re like “oh shit we gotta boogie!” but before they can flee like cowards, NEMESIS pops up and Jill fights with that bozo for a bit before he falls in a pit of acid
  • What a dumbass
  • Jill also discovers that the factory has the controls for the missile attacks which is very convenient!
  • For some RAISIN she wants to stop them from blowing up the city even though its full of zombies and Brads corpse
  • Jill runs into Nikolai who is like AH HA! Guess again! and they have a tussle before Nikolai steals Jills escape helicopter
  • She’s like “dang nabbit!” and Nikolai’s like “peace out idiot enjoy this FINAL TIMED ESCAPE MISSION”
  • Jill then has 15 minutes to boogie her ass outta trouble and finds another helipad (???) and her and Carlos have to fight Nemesis AGAIN
  • IVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS DUDE
  • FINALLY they kill him
  • Another helicopter lands and rescues them
  • Guys, guess who is the pilot
  • ITS BARRY!!!!
  • Barry, sweetie, you’re doing great!
  • Barry rescues them and they get to enjoy a fun time with him while the city gets vaporized
  • Can’t win ‘em all

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You can find Rigby on twitter shitposting about anime, soju and Godzilla.

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