“Hawaiian Pizza Is Good” And Other False Truths

Seriously, guys, I get it. It’s the one food that eats you back, so for all of you “Daddy” enthusiasts Pineapple is pretty much as close as you can be to getting a spanking while eating. It just reeaallly doesn’t belong on a pizza.

“BUT WHY THO?”, EASY ANSWER AUDIENCE!

When you put something which is mostly made of liquid onto something that is supposed to then be baked, the liquid from said thing pulls a dad going for smokes and dismisses itself entirely. You’ve removed 90% of what made that thing what it was, leaving a husk of its former self on top of copious amounts of cheese and ham (Thanks Canada).

Y’all don’t like pineapple, y’all just like fruit leather and cheese. Ya nasty.

ANYWAYS, TODAY IS ABOUT REMOVING ANY AND ALL PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS ABOUT IF A BAND’S CREAMY CENTER SHOULD BE ALL WE LOOK AT, OR WHETHER WE JUST LIKE THINGS ONE WAY ‘CAUSE WE’RE A LITTLE BITCH.

(☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

SHOULD BE FUN!

I’ll start off the best way I know how, by using the first comparison that comes from my own history. So, the band Black Tide started off as a bunch of just pushing 16 year-olds and the love of skateboarding and thrash metal. How pure is that? How implicitly without motive. Not (just) in it for the babes, parties, and props, but genuinely caring about the music. There isn’t a single track off of “Light From Above” their 2008 album that wasn’t completely radio play worthy, nor where any of them not HITS. Some years down the road and about a mile and a half of ear-stretching later, you could see the effects of falling into such fame and entourage at such a young age. The sound became docilely “samey”. Surely, somewhere, it’s getting play, but my god had they continued with the fire they had and not “That Fire”.

Back to back comparisons for ya:

BLACK TIDE – SHOCKWAVE

BLACK TIDE – THAT FIRE

“I tell you oooollll, the things you wamna heer”

Did you tell the bloody producer to try and make you look like the biggest fookin’ goof east of the Scot’ch? Hail Mary, mother may I survive this horsepiss.

One common denominator I have found as I studied this pattern, was that not only do the bands not singularly “oust” anyone, they actually come together as a micro-defensive. Not unlike the way Juggalo’s call each other family as a standard of greeting, but also a hivemind-like understanding that they stand together as collective, any place at any time. The diehard fans of bands that go through these sort of situations usually stick with them no matter what, and will generally adopt a “fan-name”. Korn calls their fans “Maggots”, Ghoul fans are “Numbskulls”, and the most classic one I can think of would be the Grateful Dead with their “Dead Heads”.

One example I sure I need only mention would be the difference between “Rock N Roll” KISS, and “Disco” KISS. Some people don’t really differentiate between any of it, but there are some KISS ARMY members who would prefer to never speak of certain albums. Dedicated to parts of a whole. Same idea with Judas Priest fans and all of the Tim “Ripper” Owens stuff, just put a magazine over it.

One more out the door swing for ya, what about straight-up SLAYER? That’s right, you’ve got “South Of Heaven”, “Reign In Blood”, and all the classics, but what about between 1996’s “Undisputed Attitude” and ’98’s “Diabolus In Musica”?

SLAYER – DISINTEGRATION / FREE MONEY

SLAYER – PERVERSIONS OF PAIN

That was “Punk” Slayer (which they have always been influenced by), followed by “Upside Down Cross” Slayer. Two very different sides of the same coin, and whilst I’m very much a “The faster Slayer, the better”, I can appreciate them as a band in their entirety, because they evolved, grew, and never lost the core of what kind of music they wanted to make.

OKAY, IT’S HOT HERE, LOVE YOU, BYYYYEEEEE.

-Bear

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2 responses to ““Hawaiian Pizza Is Good” And Other False Truths

  1. Actually, you’re supposed to add the pineapple to a Hawaiian pizza after it comes out of the oven so that it doesn’t dry up. Just sayin’. I see so many anti-pineapple on pizza memesnowadays I’m beginning to wonder where the advocates who are trying to ram it down everyone’s throat are that’s got them so worked up.

  2. and on a less snarky and positive note, kudos on later than “classic” Slayer nods. I actually think their entire catalogue run from Show No Mercy-World Painted Blood range from solid+ to f’n phenomenal (we just won’t mention Repentless).

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