Resident Evil aka Wow what a mansion!
- Certified Hunk and STARS unit member Chris Redfield and the rest of his Team Alpha get sent to the woods outside of ridiculously titled Raccoon City
- STARS is an extremely rad name and stands for Special Tactics And Rescue Service
- I had no idea what it stood for until I just googled it and I’ve played 8 of these games
- They’re checking out some spooky shit and trying to find missing Team Bravo
- Chris’ partner Jill Valentine is with him and she looks great in a beret
- The rest of the team is Barry Burton who rules extremely hard, and the spooky goth idiot Albert Wesker
- They find a crashed helicopter and everyone’s DEAD
- The team is immediately attacked by some jacked up looking mutant dogs
- Their helicopter pilot Brad takes off in a panic. WAY TO GO BRAD
- The remaining not horrible team members run away and find an abandoned mansion in the middle of the woods
- As the enter, the greatest line of dialogue ever written by humankind is uttered by Barry:
- “WOW WHAT A MANSION”
- I say this constantly and refuse to stop
- So the first game blew everyones mind because you can either play as Chris or Jill
- The game follows the same basic path but some puzzles and cutscenes are a little different
- The team decides to SPLIT UP because they’re RIDICULOUS and have never seen a horror movie
- As you rock around this extremely confusing mansion solving extremely convoluted puzzles, you occasionally run into monster dogs, zombies, and some bastard crows that are SUPER hard to shoot
- Eventually you run into another member of the Bravo Team who tells you there’s a TRAITOR in the mix but then he’s shot by a MYSTERIOUS unknown assailant
- I should mention that throughout all of this asinine bullshit your character comments on very little of it
- Also one of the puzzles is you have to play moonlight sonata on a piano to open a door and now I think of this game whenever I hear that because my brain is a garbage heap
- Anyways eventually you run into team medic Rebecca Chambers and she’s like “shits fucked” and you’re like “agreed” but she kinda hangs out and helps you with various situations
- If you play the game as Jill you run into Barry instead of Rebecca and Jill almost gets squashed by a trap and Barry reacts by saying “You almost became a Jill sandwich!!!”
- Barry is so fucking funny I love him
- As you wander around the mansion you find different notes and files strewn around that give some backstory to whats going on
- One of the notes is written by a dude turning into a zombie and its HILARIOUS
- It just ends with him writing ITCHY. TASTY.
- And they say literature is dead
- You learn that a series of ILLEGAL EXPERIMENTS have been going on by an extremely evil biomedical company UMBRELLA CORP
- Y’all already know what the fuck is up with these clowns
- The zombies and various monsters rocking around the mansion are experiments gone wrong because the Umbrella Corp seem to constantly fuck up their own experiments over the course of like the 20 years they do this nonsense
- The T-Virus was developed by Umbrella and I dunno if someone was like “whoops! Butterfingers!” and dropped a bunch of vials containing it or what, but its spread to all the surrounding area
- There’s also a mutant girl in the mix
- I forgot to mention that earlier
- Anyways, her name is Lisa Trevor and she’s the daughter of the dude who made this jacked up mansion in the first place
- Umbrella did a bunch of experiments on her and her family who are developing the G-Virus
- She is HELLA messed up looking and she just kinda stumbles around wailing and grossing everyone out
- Eventually you stumble on an underground lab containing a bunch of experiments and guess who else is there?
- He totally betrayed you! He’s working for Umbrella and wants to use a big dumb monster called the TYRANT to kill Chris and the rest of his homies
- Too bad Wesker sucks and he “dies” but since this is a Resident Evil game you have to deal with his stupid ass for the next several games and he just gets dumber and dumber
- Wesker wouldn’t be the way he is if he got a date to prom and didn’t listen to Tool and The Matrix soundtrack all the time
- The Tyrant is eventually killed and Chris and/or Jill activates the self destruction button (???) that exists for some reason
- That coward Brad comes crawling back and hes like “haha my bad! im here to extract you!”
- The mansion blows up killing the Tyrant and Lisa Trevor and the surviving STARS members survive! Yay!
- Alternatively if you suck horribly at this game, everyone but the player character dies, the mansion doesn’t blow up, and the Tyrant escapes into the forest. Whoops!
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