SOLEMN SIMULACRUM OF WHAT ONCE WAS

WHAT’S TWERKIN’, SEMI-OPPOSABLE PHONE-SYMBIOTES!

‘Member when you heard that band that you love do that concept album that didn’t exactly hit the mark? The record that kind of didn’t hit any marks at all? That cassette split with that polka band that for whatever reason didn’t play out the way they thought it would?

WASN’T THAT SOME FAITH-SLAUGHTERING SHIT?

A personal recent iteration of this was when I went to see what had become of UK heavy metal powerhouse, TANK. Low and behold, like so many rock and roll bands, inner turmoil lended itself to a rotation in frontmen, and somehow, not a change in name. Algy Ward (the original lead singer who has been replaced) and the remaining members of TANK continue to release albums under the same name! Algy Ward was undoubtedly one of the most defining aspects of each and every early TANK album, with incredibly unigue (almost voice-cracky) vocals, BUT THE GUY THAT THEY REPLACED HIM WITH,

OH MAN.

Don’t even get me started on that god damn “Anon” shirt, I get that as a band you need to keep moving forward, and admittedly sounding like Dio fronts your band is NEVER a bad thing. . .

. . .unless ya keep the flippin’ name the same, become a power metal band, and pretty much flip the bird to the man who gave you that established name. That equals one dude not in a band who did nothing wrong and a lot of dudes riding his name to success.

A while back we had the unfortunate loss of Messiah Marcolin from Candlemass in 2003 due to whatever musical differences stirred within the band at the time, but the end all/be all was pretty much the same situation. This happened:

Candlemass had a real Tim “Ripper” Owens situation on their hands. Change the pacing and tone, but try and mimic Messiah’s vocal style? Would that work?

It didn’t work. They just sound like Iced Earth trying to be Candlemass, even with conjuring the exact same guitar tones and riff styles, it just. . . isn’t Candlemass.

And I mentioned it, so I’ll have to give one of the most controversial frontman changes to ever take place some spotlight, from none other than metal gods, Judas Priest. I’m going to prefix this one by saying that I personally believe it is the least horrible of all three of these swaps, and yet the fanbase made it very clear that it was Halford, or nothing.

Going on to front Iced Earth is certainly not a bad thing either, those dudes are HUGE in Norway.

I’m pretty much just huge in short-shorts.

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES, BYYYYYEEEEE~

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