HO’DANG HEY-THUR, SHORT-NECKED BIPEDAL GIRAFFES!

As the week begins to sashay in to your free time, picking apart activities you thought you would have time for and absolutely dividing you from any moments of calm, perhaps you find your only reprieve at the end of the day when you can finally crawl into bed next to a spouse or not-spouse and let off a little physical steam. There are a few bits in the ‘Yard that cover the T n’ A, but I wanted to get into some of the bit we never wanna talk about in hopes that it opens a conversation more than anything. Startin’ out with what foreplay actually encapsulates.

MOTORHEAD – CHASE IS BETTER THAN THE CATCH

Aight, so, every little thing leading up to sex, is foreplay. The dinner you had, the movie you watched when you got home, the liquor you drank, but most importantly, your words and actions. You may not have known it until post-highschool, but each time you said something to the effect of “Make me”, “Wanna bet?”, even a classic “Come and get it” to your lad or lady, that was foreplay. The “chase” is an intrinsic part of the experience, as we rarely appreciate anything that is simply given to us. It is NOT that we “earn” sex through our persistence, but that it gives both parties time to evaluate the risks and rewards. Time to wring-out any eventualities or worries that may be brought up. Foreplay is almost more feral than it is physical. The same way most animals have hyper-specific mating behaviour, patterns, and dances, people are not all that different. Sex without foreplay is pretty much like going camping without a tent; Yeah, you’re there, but you won’t be long.

BARRY WHITE – NEVER NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP

Then there is the 2-month relationship hurdle which some couple don’t pass for yeeeaaarrs, telling each other what you want and how they’re doing. You can eat butts all week long and still be trash with what your momma gave you because of your own selfishness. In my own experience, most women who are quiet during sex have had at least one previous partner who did not give a single damn about whether they came or not. Ladies, if you have a man like that, just get off him right before he climaxes and turn on Netflix, maybe he’ll get the drift. You have to be present absolutely 100% of the time with your partner for safety, respect, and of course, pleasure. Yes, jamming it all in there just works for some folks, but I also watch people watch in and out of those peoples lives like a revolving door, soooo.

MR. BIG – TO BE WITH YOU

Lastly, unless through some strange reality-twisting solar flare you somehow happen to meet a virgin as an adult, you need to accept that not only will your partner be attracted to people other than you, but that you are not their first, and very likely won’t be their last. Having numerous sexual partners is healthy if you’re already living a healthy lifestyle, but seems solely detrimental as the basis to starting a relationship that could grow past physical contact (you don’t build a house on shifting sands). Be with someone who isn’t just enjoying you as a hole or stick that they can use for warmth after, we’re all certainly worth more than that.

Ask about your partners desires, turn-ons, favorite positions, all that jazz, as it will only make you stronger as a couple or help you iron out what boundaries you need to set.

Viagra Free,

– Bear.

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You can find Bear smoking bong and playing Magic on instagram.

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