BEATINGS AND FLAGELLATIONS, CYBER-FRENEMIES!

As many of you many know, we cover a lot of nooks and crannies over her in the ‘Yard, and I personally like to embed multiple things I’m passionate about through vague relations, red thread, and thumb-tacs on a corkboard. Over the past few months I have been spending a semi-copious amount of time playing the latest AAA mega title from one of my favorite childhood publishers, Blizzard. Aside from Age of Empires and Impossible Creatures when I was but a young’en, Warcraft was my JAAAAM. When I was in my early teens I found Call Of Duty like most little brats and definitely left a few moms quite upset with the screaming I caused their children. Then in May of 2016, Overwatch was released. A game with all the cinematic mastery, lore, and overflowing variety of the Warcraft franchise, bundled into a sleek First Person Shooter with an emphasis on team composition and teamwork. Initially I was without the time to care about said release, despite my love for the company, until about 3 months ago when I finally picked up the game at the behest of a friend and, well, guys. . . it’s kinda the tits. Being our gamer babe is Big Rig’s job over here though, and I already told you that you were getting the playlist, AND THUSLY:

COMPLETELY VAGUE CORRELATION IS WHAT YOU SHALL RECEIVE, AUDIENCE!

May I present:

“Songs That COULD Be About Overwatch: An Ode To Heroes”

I’ll be giving the quick low down on who each character is and what they do, and the corresponding song.

Ana – Support

Ana is the mother of my favorite hero, Pharah. Ana lost her right eye in snipe-off with the Talon (bad guys) sniper who also appears in the game, Widowmaker. She has a biotic sniper rifle that either heals teammates or damages enemies depending on who you hit, so she is safe to just fire down sightlines into her team and maybe help get some kills. The other parts of her kit are a biotic grenade that does exactly what her rifle does, except to anything in the radius it hits, AND stops any healing the enemies it hits would receive, and a friggin sleep dart that you really, really don’t wanna fall victim too. For Ana I had to pick an appropriately anthemic return, something that says you had to come back fighting, and it was kinda a “duh” choice to be honest. Queen’s “We Will Rock You”.

Bastion – Defense

Bastion has a very sad past which he would leave behind him if it wasn’t buried somewhere deep within his programming. Bastion is an Omnic. The Omnic are a race of robotic workers and soldiers who one day had a mass uprising for an unknown reason, destroys many cities and structures, at this time many of the Omnic’s gained human-equivalent sentience. Bastion is a literal chaingun turret. As in, his first ability is to sit down, and turn into a turret. His focused damage output is probably the best in the game, but he is very vulnerable in this state. . . except for the fact that if he stops shooting, he can heal himself. Robots guys, we’re doomed. Bastion wakes up some time after the Omnic Uprising in a forest, confused as to his purpose, all he knows is that he has a pre-programmed map still in his harddrive, suddenly he hears a tree fall nearby and begins to have ghosted memories of the war he had fought in, unable to stop the spark of war still dormant in him, Bastion turns into turret form and slaughters every tree in a 30 foot radius. Fortunately for Bastion, a small green-yellow bird named Ganymede befriends him and helps pull him out of his rust-lust. Bastion is SCARY. You don’t wanna hear the start-up sound of that monster behind you, and so I had to pick a song where the start up scares me, and Amebix – “Axeman” is pretty much one of the scariest things I’ve still ever heard to this day. Chants of “He is COMING!” backed by “SLAUUUGHTEEEEER!” is absolutely what Bastion is. Semi-stationary DEATH.

D.VA – Tank

D.VA is a combination hero (so to speak), wherein you have the outer armored shell called MEKA surrounding the squishy piloting core, Hana Song. When inside MEKA, D.VA is fraught with abilities. She has a Defense Matrix which can catch any kind of incoming fire for a limited time, retro rockets which she uses to “bunny hop” every few seconds, Micro Missiles that just paint an area with damage, and if you do well enough for long enough, you get her Ultimate where you literally jump out and turn MEKA into a NUKE that kills anything in it’s sightlines. Whilst out of her suit however, little Hana becomes fodder for anything that puts down serious damage. During the Omnic Crisis in Seoul, Korea, a giant omnic rose from the sea and began destroying things, this was when the Korean government decided to deploy a task force of capable individuals in robotic suits (MEKA). Hana was one of the top competitive gamers for her country at the time, with unmatched reflexes, thus why she as chosen. For D.Va I need a song that had both powerful feminine aggression, as well as vulnerability as to represent both sides. I ended up going with Huntress – “Blood Sisters”, a little dual fem vocals and a very big dichotomy between the screaming highs and guttural lows in the chorus, and the beauty in the verse notes.

Doomfist – Offense

Doomfist is somewhat like the term “Batman” in the universe in which the game takes place. The Doomfist is a literal gauntlet that has been wielded by many heroes who wished to help the world against the evils within it, aaaand then there is the current Doomfist, Akande Ogundimu. A brawler/business man turned merc, literally killing the previous holder of the Gauntlet to gain it’s power after he lost his arm in the Omnic Crisis. So, yeah. His fist does what you expect a big mechanical fist to do, which is punch the hell outta dudes. He can Rocket Punch, which propels him forward quickly over a good distance and leaves enemies praying you don’t connect with it. You can also do the classic Seismic Smash where he slam it into the ground, pulling enemies towards him for more “fisting”. And a classic Rising Uppercut to displace some dudes so you can shoot them in the air with the four shot shotgun on his left hand. Doomfist was unfortunately one of those characters where even if there were two songs, it would still be an easy choice, so Motorhead – “Iron Fist”.

Genji – Offense

One of two remaining sons of the Shimada crime family. Genji was ordered to be put to death at the hand of none-other than his very own brother, Hanzo. Shortly before he could die, he was found buy Mercy and a few members of Overwatch who in-turn restored as much of Genji’s body as they could, giving him cybernetic components where limbs could not be replaced. After being restored Genji left to mentored by the Omnic monk, Zenyatta, who helped him find peace with his new form. Genji does what ninjas do, throwing throwing stars with either extreme accuracy or insane speed, cutting people up with a katana, and deflecting back enemy fire. As if all that wasn’t enough, he can double jump on air (K BLIZZARD) and run up walls. An easy pick for the song on this boy too, as I can never get enough Slayer. Enjoy “Die By The Sword”.

Hanzo – Defense

Brother number two of the Shimada fam, and the classic samurai to Genji’s ming-era Ninja. Hanzo feels honourbound to obey the commands of his family, to protect the dynasty they have built, so much so as to (as we’ve just cover) kill his own brother. It was revealed in a later short that Hanzo returns every year to the spot where he believe he killed his brother to light incense and honour him, only to one year be interrupted by a robotic-masked ninja, one who not only knew his name and the activities that took place that day, but who could control the power of the Shimada Dragons. Ancient powers called upon in times of need. Genji reveals what organic parts he still has (his eyes) to his brother to be instantly recognized by Hanzo, who response as most of us would, confused rage, after which he left the clan to restore his honour. Hanzo has change coming to his kit shortly so I’ll talk about that even though I haven’t tried it personally. Hanzo needs a second to fully charge a shot, but if that shot hits you in the head, you might as well just roll over. His first ability is a Sonic Arrow which outlines enemies as they move through the radius where it hit. Helping Hanzo line up those head shots. His forthcoming ability is an arrow volley, where he simply fires multiple arrows at a much faster pace. Beware the scream of “Ryū ga waga teki wo kurau!”, which means “The Dragon eats our enemies!”. Hanzo is currently one of the most hated heroes in the game, thusly why he’s getting the change, so I picked a wary song about arrows and wariness, The Sword – “Arrows In The Dark”.

Junkrat – Defense

Alas, Poor Jamison Fawkes, perhaps in another life he would have been something other than a bomb-building psychopath. After a large Omnic-directing Hivemind exploded in the Australian outback, essentially turning it into Fallout 4, where Junkrat found something “important” in the ruins. Not yet disclosed to us peons what said treasure is, Junkrat’s irradiation-caused madness eventually turned into full on real world pyromania and he left the ruins, teaming up with big ole Roadhog to rob, pilfer, plunder, steal, scoop, or swindle every piece of treasure they can. Junkrat has classic grenade launcher which will teach you a hell of a lesson close up, or make it completely impossible to advance into an area from afar. He has two concussion mines that can be use for movement, damage, or like that cute little Hispanic girl always says in the taco commercial, “Why not both?!”. The mine works very well in tandem with his other ability, a bear trap. It does what a bear trap does for about 5 seconds. Let alone his ultimate ability Riptire, which is a tire that you control like an RC car until you want to it to explode. All you wanna do as Junky is blow everything to hell, so I picked the first song that ever made me wanna do that, Damageplan – “Explode”.

Lucio – Support

As a musician, it always pumps me up to see a music based character in pretty much any kind of game, so Lucio was no exception. As the Mega corporation Vishkar began to take over the streets of many less well-off countries, using the people for cheap labour and easy to purchase land, Lucio stole a weapon from one of their lab, and turned it into his Sonic Amplifier, a gun that can project soundwaves. Lucio had been singing to people on the streets to raise their spirits, and after his actions at the Vishkar lab was raised to international stardom. Lucio is constantly listening to one of two songs which do one of two things, either heal all enemies in his line of sight and radius, or increase the speed of those same individuals. He can also Amp It Up, meaning that he increases the effects of whatever song he is playing at that time. Man, let me tell you how much it sucks to be a hero with no recovery ability and get Soundwave “booped” off a cliff by a tiny healer on roller skates. . .IT IS NOT MY JAM. PUN INTENDED. I had to go with Foreigner – “Juke Box Hero” for the unsung Bard class of the game.

McCree – Offense

“Jesse McCree? That’s a TERRIBLE name for a cowboy!”. Former gun-runner and member of the Deadlock gang, McCree is kind “‘Murica” incarnate. He even has a skin where his poncho flaunts the star and stripes. All that nonsense aside, McCree is a very unique character. He has six-shooter revolver called the Peacemaker which he can either click off single bullets from, or if you’re in his face he’ll just Fan The Hammer which empties his click as fast as possible. Also equipped with a combat roll that instantly reloads your gun, and a flashbang grenade that stops enemy ultimate’s in their tracks, McCree is not to be outdone in that department with a skill called Dead Eye. If you hear “It’s high noon” and you’re in the open, you’re probably dead. McCree cocks back, zones in his targets and one-shots anything he can see that isn’t behind cover. I threw my favorite cowboy song in for this future-buckeroo in the form of Tesla – “Modern Day Cowboy”.

Mei – Defense

After a vicious storm bombarded Ecopoint: Antarctica, Mei and a few other member were forced to go into cryo-statis as they didn’t have the resources available to them to repair the damages at the time, unfortunately during statis all the other pods misfuctioned, leaving Mei the lone survivor, along with her robotic weather modification drone, Snowball. Mei uses her Endothermic Blaster to repair the antenna which had been damaged for all that time, and get the signal from Winston calling all remaining agents of Overwatch to report in after the initial disbanding. Mei can freeze foes solid and then shoot and icicle smack-dab square-center of their head and there will be nothing they can say about it. Thought you were running away? Naw, Mei just made a little 8 foot tall wall of ice behind you in the door you thought you could escape through. Thought Mei was about to die? Naw, turn into an impenetrable block that restores your health, and blocks enemy shots at the same time. Almost went with another Foreigner song for this lady with “Cold As Ice”, but to keep the variety I went with At The Gates – “Cold”, which is definitely a better auditory representation of what playing against a good Mei is like.

Mercy – Support

Previously the literal bane of competitive players, Mercy recently received a nerfing that makes what they did to Trix Cereal look kind. The angel medic of the bunch is a heck of force to be reasoned with, especially when equipped with the ability to bring a teammate back from death every half minute. That means the tank you just spent all that time killing is right back, and at full health. Her “Angel” suit allows her to quickly fly to enemies to either begin healing them, or buffing their damage. Previously being Head of Surgery at a Swiss hospital, Angela Ziegler devoted her time after Overwatch’s disbanding to helping those affected by the years upon years on Omnic attacks and wars. When she uses her ultimate the wings come out and she can literally fly. Not only that, but she gets unlimited ammo for her blaster, which turn the soft body of this healer into a true Valkyrie. Vader – “Angels Of Steel”, suits Mercy to a tee.

Moira – Support

Never has “Give & Take” been more epitomized than the case is with Moira. During her time with Overwatch, Moira help Reaper develop his ability regenerate and use his Shadowstep, keeping just enough notes on the process to allow herself to replicate the ability in a similar way with her ability “Fade”. She also backwards engineered some of Mercy’s healing technology, which leads us to what makes her a “healer”. Moira has a bar of usable healing available to spray out at any given time, the thing is, if you aren’t using your other hand to drain the life from enemies, it does not go back quickly at all. You have to do damage to have the ability to heal your team. Moira can also throw a Biotic Orb which you can choose to have either damage or heal anything in it’s path. It goes through shields, and eats tiny heroes for breakfast. After Overwatch found out about her experiments and connection to Blackwatch, the severed all ties, but Moira was picked up by The Ministries (a collective that values scientific progress over all morals and ethics) and she became the head of the Ministry Of Genetics. Moira has to hurt to help, so I went with the hair-band knockin’ Sum 41 – “Pain For Pleasure”.

Orisa – Tank

Orisa has a semi-similar story to Bastion where once she was a tool of combat, but then one day a little girl with a very bright mind took the pieces of the once war machine and rebuilt Orisa into a robot that would protect the streets of Numbani, the small and the elderly who couldn’t speak for themselves. Efi left many parts of the original OR15 model intact, but added many more defensive options to her new design. Orisa primarily lives behind her large deployable shield, sending an endless rain of pulse ammo down choke points, pulling enemies into the open with her ability Halt. If someone tries to freeze her or stun her, she activates Fortify, which is the equivalent of picking up the Star in Mario. Rebuilt from the ground up for the good of us all, keeping watch, Judas Priest – “Electric Eye”.

Pharah – Offense

My favorite hero by Phar. (Kill me) Pharah is the daughter of Ana and though she was too young to have served during the initial days of the ‘Watch, she did join the Egyptian Army the same way Ana had before her. Pharah ended up working for Helix Security International before hearing the call from Winston on Horizon Lunar Colony. Yeah, they have a moon base. Pharah is an aerial sledgehammer if played correctly. Doing more than half most squishy heroes health in a single shot, Pharah is scary because if you can’t counter her, she will blow up you team. Sabaton – “Night Witches”.

Reaper – Offense

Know what you never wanna see coming down a hallway at you? A man named Gabriel Reyes and his twin Hellfire Shotguns. Passed over for the position to lead Overwatch for his friend Jack Morrison (Soldier: 76), Reyes was still feeling the effect of being subjected to a Super Soldier program during the war, but was still selected to lead the Black Op division of Overwatch, “Blackwatch”. Whilst leading Blackwatch due to his jealousy of Jack being in the limelight, Reyes brought both organization into the public eye during a mission which lead to the downfall of the organization. Reaper can either use Wraith Form to become (as the name implies) ethereal for a small period of time, completely immune to damage, but you can be healed. Shadow Step allows Reyes to warp a reasonable distance, making his ability to flank the enemy very potent. Finally, don’t group up if there is a Reaper because his gun-fu Death Blossom ultimate will absolutely shred you, and anything in a radius around him. Fun fact, Reyes cells are in a constant state of dying and rebirth. You know what it is, Blue Oyster Cult – “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”.

Reinhardt – Tank

How do you make a Tank “tank-ier”? You give a hero with a huge health pool a shield that can take more than twice that amount of damage. One of the first faces of Overwatch publicly was the Shield and Hammer monolith that is Reinhardt, but long before he was a level headed guardian, he was a hot shot German Crusader, a defender of the people. . .and then the Omnic Crisis happened. Reinhardt’s mentor Balderich Von Adler was the leader of the Crusaders and gave his life to save Reinhardt from an OR15 that had already taken Rein’s eye. Giving his dying breath to tell Reinhardt that sometime the best offense is a good defense, and then go fucking dual-warhammer apeshit on some robo boi’s. Reinhardt’s shield is the biggest shield in the game, and acts like when a clock for when you can safely attack. His hammer can also through out a Fire Strike that goes through enemies and shields like a railgun. Too far away for me to whack you with a hammer? Good thing he can use the airplane engine sized rocket on his back to propel himself forward and grab an enemy before slamming them into a wall, but then you’re alone and you die to the enemy team. Suicidal Tendencies – “You Can’t Bring Me Down”.

Roadhog – Tank

He is the man behind the mask, another victim of Australia’s Mad Max wasteland. Roadhog is self-healing wall of flesh. Roadhog functions as Junkrat’s bodyguard in exchange for half of whatever secret treasure Junkrat knows about, previously he had fronted the Australian Liberation Front, a group of locals mad at the displacement caused by the government allowing the Omnics to function autonomously on their land. The explosion of reactor horribly disfigured Hog’s face, and thusly he wear the porcine gas mask. His off hand wield a gnarly hook which can catch and drag enemies to him, wherein he can decimate them with his scrap gun. No song more appropriate for this pig of war, Black Sabbath – “War Pigs”.

Soldier: 76 – Offense

The “Call Of Duty” class, a standard assault rifle, noob tube, and the ability to actually run, which no other character truly possesses. Jack Morrison fight for justice above all else, leading his team into the fray, commander of the Overwatch. Chosen over Reaper to head the initiative, Jack Morrison re-appeared five years after the destruction of the Overwatch headquarters, wearing a tactical visor across his mouth and eyes, re-branded as Soldier: 76. A Soldier: 76 on high ground will likely make quick work of anything he sees, especially if his Tactical Visor is active, wherein he gets an auto-lock on anyone in his view. “Press Y to Win”. Old thrash song for an old soldier, Sodom – “M-16”.

Sombra – Offense

This Hispanic hacker was in the game through subtle hints long before she was actually a playable character. Newspaper articles, hacked screens, even shadows in comics, Sombra was thought of way before she made her way down the line to play-ability. With the ability to “hack” targets, completely disabling their ability to do anything but primary fire for a few seconds, Sombra can turn invisible, flank that Reinhardt with the shield, hack him, and then boom, he ded. Taking a ton of damage as Sombra? Good thing you left you Translocator which warps you to it directly on top of a health pack that you also hacked to come back faster for your team. Had to have a song that represents what it feels like to be hacked and surrounded by the enemy team, Raging Speedhorn – “Shit Outta Luck”.

Symmetra – Support

Symmetra is one of my favorite heroes solely based on the fact that she has autism. It’s what makes her good at what she does. Symmetra was picked up and pruned by the Vishkar Corporation at a young age due to her prowess, and was sent to Utopaea to study how to build with and manipulate hardlight structures. Sym can set up six small laser turrets at a time, and the more that are hitting a target, the slower they move, and the more damage it does. Combine this with a shield that floats forward in any direction you choose, and a gun that fires very powerful hardlight orbs, and you’ve got one of the most annoying heroes to get killed by. She’ll lure a tank into her “Hellroom” and just eat them alive like a spider. She is the only character with a CHOICE ultimate, where you can either build a teleporter that warps your team from spawn to it, or a shield generator that last indefinitely ’til it’s destroyed. For a small support character who makes things out of light, she is as Randy Bachman would say, BTO – “Not Fragile”.

Torbjörn – Defense

Oh Torb. Torb, Torb, Torb. What can I say about you. One of the least played heroes in the game due to his low maneuverability and small kit, Torb can build an upgradeable turret which watches over an area of his choosing. Any time an ally, enemy or turret dies, scrap is dropped that only he can see, which he uses to produce armor packs for his team. Torb is the father of Brigette, Reinhardt’s squire who accompanies him into battle. Torbjörn was the smith for the ‘Watch, constantly repairing Reinhardt’s armor, until he lost his eye and arm during an operation called White Dome. Torb is almost cancerous unless he’s on your team, but when he shines it’s like the sun. Summoning – “Flammifer”, for the seigecrafter in all of us.

Tracer – Offense

The face of the game, Tracer sports neon leggings, a bomber jacket and marathon sunglasses. Initially part of a stealth jet program called “Slipstream”, which used teleportation technology, unfortunately, during the initial tests, the jet was destroyed and presumably Lena Oxton (Tracer) with it. Some month later when she reappeared, she couldn’t positively maintain her physical form, sometimes disappearing for up to days at a time. Tracer was suffering from her molecules being displaced from time itself. Fortunately, Moon monkey genius Winston was able to build a chronal accelerator to bring Tracer back into the correct phase. If you hear sneaker squeaks, you should probably turn around, and if you don’t she anything, she as probably still just there. Tracer’s chronal accelerator allows her to “blink” in and horizontal direction about 10 feet, making her damn near impossible to hit with anything slow. Her second ability, Recall, returns Tracer to wherever she was 4 seconds ago, including the state her health was in. Gotta go fast! Airbourne – “Running Wild”.

Widowmaker – Defense

The Ying to Ana’s Yang. Widowmaker was once the wife of Overwatch coordinator Gérard Lacroix, who was heading the operations against the subversive and secret evils of Talon. When unable to separate him for an easy kill, they instead kidnapped his wife, Amélie Lacroix, and programmed her as a sleeper agent. After being missing for a period of time, she returned home, only to kill Gérard in his sleep. She then returned to Talon where she underwent multiple procedures to make her a more efficient killer. Slowing her heartbeat and the blood in her veins until her skin turned a deep, deoxygenated blue. Widow will find your head and put a .44 in it without thought, whilst throwing out a venom mine to find her next victim. A grapping hook for quick exits rounds her out fantastically. What more appropriate tune than W.A.S.P – “Widowmaker”?

Winston – Tank

Being raised on a moon base a test subject may not seem like the best life, but when you look at the situation on the surface of the planet at the time, it certainly wasn’t a bad choice. Winston’s name and signature black frame glasses were once his caretakers, Dr. Harold Winston. When the other genetically enhanced gorilla’s rose up and attacked the people on Horizon Lunar Colony, Winston escaped to Earth in a rocket he made himself, leaving behind the only other creatures like him in all of existance. After the disbanding of the ‘Watch he hid away in a forgotten Watchpoint in Gibraltar, wherein he assisted Tracer with her return to normality. He has a Tesla Cannon which hits anything in front of it, adding to the shock that a two thousand pound monkey just jumped on top of you, and laid down a shield so no one can shot him and save you. Did somebody say peanut butter? Skid Row – “Monkey Business”

Zarya – Tank

Russia’s answer to She-Hulk, Zarya is powerlifter who’s village was on the frontline of the Omnic war during the Crisis, and in viewing the destruction it caused, she swore that she would grow strong enough to protect them and the motherland. Zarya main weapon is a particle cannon that functions like a 30 foot lightsaber, that can also lob energy bombs. She can momentarily shield herself or an ally, and any damage that shield absorbs becomes additional damage which the particle cannon returns. Eating damage as a premise is scary enough, but turning that eaten damage into your own damage is frightening. Zarya mostly exists to help her team wash through the enemy frontline, and then apply al lthat damage to the backline with a Graviton Surge ultimate that pulls all enemies around it in like a black hole. Adolescents – “Kids Of The Black Hole”.

Zenyatta – Support

Zenyatta is one of the Shambali, an order of Omnic Monks who live in peace in high Tibetan monestaries. Under the teaching of Mondatta, a fellow Omnic who wished to show humanity the the complex of a “soul” is not something intrinsic to humans alone, but he was assassinated by Widowmaker at a rally in London, though Tracer did try heroically to stop her. Zen can either heal an ally with his Orbs of Harmony or increase the damage done to enemies with his Orb of Discord. Charging this shot results in a volley of orbs that can drop the thicc-est of bois. Hope that he doesn’t make his team stare into the iris with his ultimate Transcendence, where he gives out massive radius heals to any teammate in it. Keen eyes will have observed “Zenyatta Mondatta”, which is an album by The Police, so yeah, The Police – “When The World Is Burning Down, You Make The Best Of What’s Still Around”.

BUY THE GAME, WATCH THE ANIMATED SHORTS, BLIZZARD PLS SPONSER ME.

BEAR.

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