Thirsty Thursday: Woman Enters Second Decade of Trying to Figure Out What Djent Is


NEW ORLEANS — A (loosely) metal-related content contributor has discovered that she has entered the second decade of trying to figure out what constitutes “djent.” Jenna Giselle, 23, was walking near her Louisiana home today when the early spring weather hit her in the face like a goddamned frisbee. In a bout of what she describes as post-traumatic stress, she was taken back to March of 8th grade.

“It was right when my scene kid phase started to blossom, which, true to form, was right as emo and post-hardcore started to pass over the peak of the mountain.”

As Thirsty Thursday has previously reported, a desperate attempt was made from about 2008-2010 to keep the scene alive by reinventing metalcore through the inclusion of progressive and math rock elements. But, what has yet to be investigated is how these efforts spiraled into associating with the mysterious—vaguely nu-metal but Wikipedia keeps claiming it’s tech death—movement, djent…until now.

Plagued with frustration, Giselle phoned 911 and returned home to scour the newest additions to her Soundcloud and YouTube liked lists. Could it be that she has been unknowingly listening to the silent predator?

Drunk in a Graveyard presents a special live investigative report, D’jent Unchained.

Is It post-metal?

Popular conspiracy theories point to the idea that there is no static definition of djent. If you simply label your work as djent, then it is such. However, web sleuths have pointed to a positive correlation between bands who label themselves as post-metal and bands who adopt a djent identity.

Take, for instance, take last year’s album from Distant Dream. There are few discernable differences between Distant’s contributions and those of, say, Deafheaven or a Light in the Dark. But, perhaps that means these post-black acts have, too, been djent all of this time.

“I am simply in a tailspin,” says Giselle as she paces across her living room before perfusing apologizing to her cat, Lil Floof, 3, for stepping slightly on one of his front paws.


Is it Cloudcore?

Daylight is fading, and Giselle is disclosing that she has been withholding relevant information.

“I was going through Instagram and I saw that someone had written emo fag on my post about my Corbin article. It had been so long since I had heard the scene slur that I didn’t know whether to cry from my lack of faith in humanity, or just the shear nostalgia.”

While modern djent has prided itself as the new face of post-hardcore—or what metal elitists once semi-inaccurately labeled as emo—Lil Lotus’ bops bleeding out of the SoundCloud sphere seem to indicate that a different future is playing out. But, if rock wanted to add some groove, why didn’t it just openly embrace hip-hop instead of dancing in this djent masquerade?

Giselle smacks a red button on her desk marked Implicit Racism.

Is it a breakdown even more seemingly lazified by being played as single notes?

“Chugga chugga chugga chugga REAR chugga chugga chugga REAR chugga REAR chugga REAR.” – Bring Me the Horizon’s “The Comedown.”

After the metalcore success story BMTH dropped a best-of album out of seemingly nowhere, comparisons were drawn between their popular use of breakdowns and stylistic components noted on informational djent YouTube videos. Yet, when motivations are considered, matters only become more confusing. If metalcore bands were receiving accusations of laziness and over-simplicity from the rest of the metal scene, why would they have attempted to re-brand with lazier, one-note “djent” breakdowns?

Unfortunately, in the face of this breakdown breakthrough, Giselle is only growing more distracted from the matter at hand.

“Man, I don’t give a shit what you pansy-ass battle vest vape boys have to say, I will always rep Brings the Horizon,” she slurs as she reaches for the Cholula to apply to her cold veggie pizza being extracted from her fridge out of stress. Having already taken her evening Nyquil, the brain source is quickly fading.

“They’re the same motherfuckers who say a pizza without cheese ain’t pizza; that’s ignorant. You know what John Joseph says – ‘keep eatin’ bullshit like meat lover supremes and you’ll never achieve your dreams.’”

In an effort to retain sponsors, Drunk in a Graveyard is demanding an explanation from Giselle about her sudden adoption of speech mannerisms reminiscent of a stereotypical New York dago.

“Fuck you. I’m a greasy-ass Sicilian and I can use slurs against my people if I so choose.” A black olive slice falls into the depths of her cleavage.

Perhaps there is one last possible beacon of truth.

Is it whatever this is?

Stirring at the mention of the aforementioned video in the latest autoplayed djent tutorial, Giselle is indicating that even if we haven’t stumbled upon the beast in question, we have discovered something big nevertheless.

She immediately takes a screenshot of the Rawr Films epic, sending it off to her @kornfan420 to determine if we are tardy to the party.

And so, our investigation takes another blow.

Yes lol, reports Aaron “Clyde” Webb, 25, before showing off the bloody skull earring that he has just shoved through his unpierced ear.

“Every time,” Giselle musters. As of 9:13 PM CST, she is passed out on her futon.


Drunk in a Graveyard will keep you posted on any and all breakthroughs in the case.


You can find Jenna on instagram.

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