Seeking: An Elon Musk Flamethrower (I Missed The Boat)

CIGARETTE-COFFEE MORNING BREATH, WELL-PLAYED COMB-OVERS!

Know what my province looks like right now? An Irish kid whose never seen the sun. My country is SO WHITE right now that you could draw Ming Dynasty era filigree all over it. My country is SO WHITE right now that it looks like it thought holding hands was first base until it’s 30’s. My country ABSOLUTELY WAY TOO PRISTINE TO NOT GET AN AWKWARD PIMPLE ANY MOMENT NOW.

It’s so white that I’m gonna give you the playlist for the whitest movie ever made.

Snow Day.

SO PREMISE: IT SNOWS SO MUCH THAT IT’S ACTUALLY STILL POSSIBLE TO PLOW AND GO ERR’WHERE, but also school closes and a kid can have the day of his small town (Syracuse, NY) dreams, which is pretty much just sleddin’ and shit.

Note, this movie does have the National Harpoon himself, Chevy Chase. Probably one of the recognizable appearances of just-missing-a-cloak-or-he’d-be-Skeletor, Iggy Pop. Definitely wouldn’t ask to hold your kids but defs get an autograph, Chris Elliot. The STUPIDLY immaculate, Emmanuelle Chriqui (she on Arrow now). After all those years didn’t invite the other half of Drake and Josh to the wedding, Josh Peck. I mean, CHILLI from TLC is in this ga’damn movie! Through all of that casting opportunity, this movie is vomitous.

Paining.

The only way you could possibly like this movie is if you were raised in a culdesac and rode bikes with your neighbours, building snowmen in each yard without complaints, eating a lot of chicken nuggets, having sleep overs that were barely a couple blocks away with your buddy Steven or Stuart, . . . slowly dawning on me that was just my childhood. DON’T READ INTO ANY OF THAT.

NO YOU LIKE PLAYING WITH MARBLES IN A REAL BIG BOWL WHERE YOU CAN GET THEM GOIN’ REALLY FAST.

Anyways, never watch that movie unless you fit most of those categories from my small-dom. Also the playlist is probably only really enjoyable if you where a teen girl in nineties. Don’t ask me how I come up with this stuff, it just flooows from me like boogers.

HAVE A HORRIBLE MOANDAY, SNOWDRIFTS!

– BEAR

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