Moldy Oldies: Robin’s Very First Film Review – “The Mist”

So, once upon a time, long long before there was ever a Drunk In A Graveyard, in 2007, Rigby, Scotty and myself (Robin) saw The Mist.  I later took to Facebook to pen a poor review of The Mist.  This review started a few things into motion, namely that people responded to the review with laughter.  I’d always wanted to be a stand up comic.

Being able to make people laugh by pointing out foibles and stupid stuff, just kind of worked for me, and five years after writing this review, I ended up creating Drunk In A Graveyard, and here we are.

So enjoy this one from the vaults.



so for those of you thinking about seeing the move the mist, i recommend that you don’t. spoilers ahead, so beware.
so the premise of the movie seemed like a cool one at first – interdimensional space monsters come through a time/space continuum or something caused somehow by a military experiment.
if i’ve lost you, thats fine.
alright, so the main character who name is not important enough to remember because this is a cheesy stephen king movie was played by the same actor who played frank castle, the punisher in the most recent punisher movie.
so from here on out i’m going to refer to him as simple the punisher or frank castle. it makes things easier and more humorous.
so frank castle and his son, a small fair haired child (not to be confused with the masters of horror fair haired child) played by the small boy who starred in babel, go to a supermarket after a freak storm to “stock up” on tuna fish and apples with their neighbor, a black guy who has a problem with sueing people.
they get to the super market and there’s lots of bitchy people.
a real supermarket!!!
so some events that make no sense transpire and a mist overcomes the city and an old man rushes into the shop screaming “in this mist, in the mist, something in the mist” and is bleeding, saying that someone took his friend.
so.. they lock the store and watch and wait.
hilarity ensues.
the red haired kid who talked in third person in american pie goes outside to.. fix a generator or something equally stupid that will get you killed in a horror movie, and has his skin ripped off by a tentacle monster straight out of /d/, and dies. the people in the backroom start drinking budweiser.
product placement?
chaos ensues when they tell the inhabitants of the supermarket. the black man does not believe there are monsters in the mist.
and theres a crazy religious woman who prays in a bathroom and is a total holy cunt to the sexy lady cop from silent hill (yep, she was in this piece of crap too).
she states, and i quote, “if i wanted a friend like you, i’d pop a squat and shit one out”
i laughed, i cried..
so more chaos. huge bugs attack the store when night falls along with a huge pterodactyl looking thing, and they decide that a flamethrower is the best defense? they end up burning some dude.
the religious woman marvels at the size of these bugs and gets all horned up reading her bible.
i laughed more, i cried more.
the next day some people, including the black guy who sues everyone, and someone who looks suspiciously like chuck norris tie rope to themselves and wander into the fog.
they die of course and all thats left is chuck norris’s lower half.
so the religious lady preaches about how the apocalypse coming and her character gets really hazy.
the worst part about horror movies is that there is a token character who annoys the fuck out of you for the sole purpose of the fact that you will look forward to their death immensely which is okay i suppose, but no character ever save for that douche in dream warriors (coincidentally directed by the same guy who directed this movie) made me this pissed off.
she reads from the bible, gains of a congregation, people turned pious in the moment.. etc.
frank castle decides to make a run for the pharmacy next door or something stupid, and they take a team and head out. they discover the pharmacy covered in spiderwebs and inhabited by huge spiders of the interdimensional kind.
a military officer is attached to the wall by these webs and he says to them “its all our fault, the experiment..” before falling to the floor in a beautiful display of hollywood cinema and exploding into millions of tiny spiders.
best gore scene i’ve seen (scene, hahahaha) in a while.
they lose some members of the team fleeing the store. the burn medicine they got for the guy who got burnt using the flamethrower is not enough and he dies at the supermarket.
frank castle talks to the soliders at the supermarket on his return and one confesses to the military experiment to open a window into another dimension that turned into a door.
the religious crowd goes wild, stabs the soldier and throws him outside where he eaten by a monster closely resembling cthulhu.
religious lady keeps on being religious.
frank castle and his group of misfits have a gun and some little fat guy with a crack shot who decide to escape in the morning.
in the morning they attempt escape, and the religious lady stands in their way.
her group attacks their group and demands a blood sacrifice of the small fair haired boy who so far went from an oscar winning movie to this piece of trash, and does nothing but cry.
the dude with the gun shoots her in the gut and in the head, and it is more disappointing than a one night stand.
they flee, and run to a range rover in the parking lot, losing two members of their party in the process, down to the punisher, fair haired child, the sexy lady cop from silent hill, an old lady, and a greek old man.
they drive away to the horror of the people inside the store.
their main objective is to outrun the mist.
they head to the punisher’s house to rescue his wife but she’s dead, embalmed on the side of the house.

so they drive away and the mist seems to have taken over the whole world? they run out of gas and frank castle opens the gun chamber. four shots left.
at this point in the movie, i lean over to scotty and rigby who took me to see this movie, and say “they should strangle the kid, and shoot themselves..” scott laughs as we expect them to run out of the car screaming into the fog/mist/monster heaven (oh yeah that apparently has tyrannosaurus sized monster in it now?), frank castle shoots his child, the lady copy, the old lady and the greek guy.
he starts to cry like a little bitch and tries to shoot himsel. he gets out of the vehicle, man sobbing in an embarassing fashion, and lo and behold the army rolls up as the mist disappates.

so what – he couldn’t hear a battalion of tanks behind him?
or did he really just want to kill everyone?

good god.


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