I don’t think there’s anyone who has played the Metal Gear  series and at some point found themselves going “WTF is going on??” Rigby is here to help you in your troubled times with cheat sheets for the entire series, written with the assistance of a case of beer of course. We kick it off with METAL GEAR SOLID, the introduction to the series for many of us.

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• takes place in 2005; it’s after all the weird Nintendo games that we’re just kinda glossing over
  • like Snakes Revenge
    • bet you didn’t know that one existed
• Anyways, the FOXHOUND unit is now a renegade special foraces unit and thet’ve taken over an island near Alaska
  • They name it SHADOW MOSES which is a rad name for an island
• FOXHOUND is like “hey guess what…we got NUKES…and a METAL GEAR”
  • Shocking, I know
• They wanna use Metal Gear REX against the US government if they don’t
• give them the remains of Big Boss and 1BILLION DOLLARS
  • They wanna party with a corpse and a bunch of cash
• Also, the new leader of FOXHOUND is Liquid Snake
  • who you might remember as little bitch Eli from Phantom Pain
• Solid Snake gets pulled back into the bullshit by Colonel Roy Campbell to infiltrate the island
• Once he’s in, he meets up with a captured dude who worked on the Metal Gear, and who tells him that the Metal Gear REX can be deactivated with a SECRET CODE
• Snake is like “oh word? What’s the code?” but then the dude DIES of a convenient heart attack
• Meanwhile, Colonel Campbell’s niece, Meryl Silverburgh is also being held captive
  • Meryl fucking RULES
• Snake helps her escape and they team up to help another person escape but guess who shows up
  • MY BOY OCELOT
• Ocelot is like “guess again bozo’s” and starts shooting at them, as he likes to do
• Then a Cyborg ninja shows up (for real)
• and he CHOPS OFF OCELOTS ARM
• Snake is like “oh well I guess that solves that” and goes back to rescue the other dude, who gives Meryl a card to prevent the nuke launch but then he also dies of a convenient heart attack
• Snake and Meryl head to where Metal Gear REX is stored but Snake has to fight a bunch of bullshit enemies on the way because of course
• The ninja shows up again and guess what? it’s GRAY FOX! Remember him?
  • he’s super cool and Konami was going to make a stand alone game where you play as him but they scrapped it because our tears give them life
• Anyways, they meet up with the scientist who designed the Metal Gear and guess who it is?
  • HAL EMMERICH
    • The much better son of trash human Huey Emmerich
    • Hal is amazing and has a huge crush on Snake
• Snake meets up with Meryl again and she’s like “oh here’s that card” but the she gets possessed by PSYCHO MANTIS who is super rad and also Tretji Rebanok from Phantom Pain
• He’s a straight up weirdo but he does that cool thing where he reads your save data and talks about whatever game you’ve been playing
• Anyways, he makes Meryl shoot Snake and it’s awkward because she has a crush on him
  • who wouldn’t have a crush on him though?
• Snake overpowers Psycho Mantis and Meryl’s like “whoopers sorry I shot you” and Snakes like “it’s cool”
• They carry on and meet up with Sniper Wolf who is a bad ass assassin and I love her
  • She’s so foxy for real though
• She shoots Meryl and Snake gets kidnapped by Liquid Snake
• Liquid Snake goes on a huge rant about how they’re brothers/clones of Big Boss and how he’s pouty because he got the inferior genes and Solid got the better genes of Big Boss
• The project to clone Big Boss is also called Les Infants Terribles which is hilarious becasue it just means THE TERRIBLE CHILDREN
• Liquid is such an embarassment; he has a bad haircut and he doesn’t wear a shirt even though he’s in Alaska
• Anyways, he yells BROTHER a lot at Solid Snake and he’s like “this guy sucks. I gotta get out of here”
  • but instead he gets tortured by Ocelot who is extra mad because he’s missing a goddamn hand
• He wakes up in a cell and goes again to try and destroy Metal Gear REX
  • this is such a shitty day for him
• Ocelot and Liquid are yukking it up in a hanger about to activate Metal Gear and Snake shows up and he’s like “WADDUP IDIOTS” and starts fighting them
• Liquid reveals that Solid Snake is infected with the FOXDIE virus, which somehow interacts with FOXHOUND members and causes themto have heart attacks, which explains why so many dudes were dropping dead
• This virus was injected in secret by the government in order to retrieve the Metal Gear because I guess they think Snake will go and touch all the FOXHOUND members??
  • FOXDIE is a rad name for a virus tho
• Anyways, Liquid hops into the Metal Gear and yells BROTHER some more until Gray Fox show up and fights him
• Snake and Meryl and Hal escape in a jeep but then run into Liquid and he’s like “lights out meatball” and pulls a gun on Snake but then he dies becasue of the FOXDIUE virus
  • it’s very dumb
• Everyone heads back to base and Colonel Campbell agrees to declare Solid Snake dead so he can be free of this bullshit
• Unfortunatly he still has the FOXDIE virus in him so he’s gonna due at some point. Whoops!

THE END

-Rigby

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You can find Rigby on twitter dreaming about Majima, Frank Grillo, and big beers.

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