Well it’s that time of year again. The salty time. The time when I tell you what exactly can fuck right off in 2018. If you’ve been a friend of the graveyard, you will be familiar with 6 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2016, and 7 Things That Can Fuck Off in 2017. It’s become something of a tradition around here in the yard to tell various things to fuck off for the upcoming year, and not one to disappoint, I’ve put together a list for you. It’s bigger and better than ever.
1. Comic Book Movies
Okay. I’m over it. I’m done with comic book movies. There’s too many, they’re exhausting, you can’t pick up one without having seen the previous twelve or they make no sense. There’s like a million more coming out, and they’ve stopped being fun. The fandom that surrounds them is also just too much to handle. These movies are great for little kids, but they aren’t adult movies and when adults get into shit slinging online over fucking kids movies, it’s honestly just so fucking cringe to me. Like. I can’t. And I LOVED the Thor movies! Loved them! I thought Thor: Ragnarok was great! I just can’t with this stuff anymore. I’m an adult and I want to watch adult movies. Gimme some Hard R and inappropriate for children content. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a fun popcorn movie, but grown men arguing about comic books for children online is just.. I can’t with it. It’s honestly really embarrassing. Like, I don’t know that these films are made for adults and when it’s adults freaking shit over something meant for children, it’s.. weird to me? Kids love all these films, and likely because they’re the target audience. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
2. Nazis in Metal (Or You Know.. Just Nazis in general)
This has been coming for a while and I realize that I might not make a lot of friends with this statement, but fuck it’s exhausting to write about metal. I sometimes feel like I have to go through and vet artists I write about, or new artists and search through bullshit to find out if there’s NSBM undertones going on or at play. Now, I get the whole metal is “ugly music for ugly people” thing. I get that fascist imagery has been used from everyone from Rob Zombie to Alice Cooper to Death in June to Motorhead. Shock and awe and shock and terror doesn’t make one a Nazi. Being shocking or arthouse or playing with fascist imagery does not make one a Nazi. Being a fucking Nazi makes one a Nazi. And no, I don’t agree with the actions of the antifa who have been known to beat the shit out of people wearing kuttes simply for suspecting they might be Nazis or associated therein. I just get suspicious when I see black suns, lyrics about white gods, nods to ‘purity’, and ‘homelands’. I wish we lived in the young and dumb years of the early aughts when Nazis were whispered about, rather than marching around emboldened on the streets. I don’t know that this is going to change, or if there ever was a time really when NS tones haven’t been present in some aspects of metal, especially black metal, or if we are all just woke enough to be seeing it now, but I’m over it. I just wanna enjoy things, and I honestly prefer my evil metal to be fictional and not based in the real evils of the world.
Also remember, that these lulzy NSBM characters have this as a figurehead, a literal weeping cuck:
And that they and their figureheads can literally all fuck off.
Tying in with Nazis in metal is neo-folk. I’m over it. Neo-folk used to be kinda cool and gothy and was a way for post punk, goth, and other weirdo subgenres to pick up acoustic guitars and drink a lot of Scotch whisky and jam out. Now it’s a way for metalheads with fashy haircuts and black jeans to poorly play music. Everyone either sounds like King Dude or is King Dude and while I have no issues with King Dude, the oversaturation of this particular sound is exhausting to me. Maybe I’m just salty about it because I bought like six cassette tapes from different neo-folk artists and I couldn’t fucking tell you the difference between them. They all sound the same. Oooh, edgy lyrics celebrating Charles Manson for some reason? Oh you read the Satanic Bible or got the coles notes version of some Aleister Crowley? If I have to hear one more “great beast” lyric gently crooned in a whiskey drunk voice, I will fucking scream. Take your lapsteels and acoustic guitars and hair wax and fuck off.
4. The Way Men Talk To Women on Tinder (or Just In General)
I recently made a few joke dating profiles online in order to do some research for an article I’m working on for this exact same reason and the way that men talk to women on dating apps/websites is fucking abhorrent. I’m at a complete loss for how relationships even start anymore, or how anyone moves forward with these fucking cretins. The above message was sent to me on a dating app, out of nowhere. The guy who wrote it proceeded to literally jerk off over the memes I was sending him including our good buddy colephelpsdoubt,jpg shown above. And this message is one of HUNDREDS, literal hundreds that I received from various dudes and dudebros. We live in a society that is so fucked up that a woman sending a man memes is enough to make him nut in his pants. How fucked up is that. Seriously, guys.. don’t talk to women like this. You look creepy as fuck. If she’s into it, then sure whatever, get down with your bad self, but maybe don’t open up the conversation talking about your HUGE DICK (colephelpsdoubt.jpg) or your cum. I dunno, maybe I’m old fashioned. The fact that men think it’s acceptable to behave this way online leads way into them behaving this way in real life, and that’s how you end up with Harvey Weinsteins. It’s fucking gross and stop it.
5. Goofy Ass Fan Petitions
This one fucks me up especially. We live in such a fucked society that people get so fired up over television that when shows don’t go the way they want, they petition online to get the shows to change aspects of the story they don’t like. You know what happens when I don’t like something? I either stop liking it and find something else to like, or I realize that it’s fucking TV and I’m not six. Like, this is especially prevalent with the Walking Dead. Look, that show is awful. It’s gone on for so long, and the showrunners have essentially written themselves in a corner where they have these characters that fans seem to think should be untouchable. It’s a fucking show about zombies for Christ’s sake! IT IS A HORROR TELEVISION SHOW!! Characters are going to die, I think that’s pretty standard and I don’t know why the fans freak the fuck out the way they do. When Carl died on the show, fans have literally petitioned to get the showrunner FIRED for killing him. Now if that isn’t some Hunger Games ass bullshit, I don’t even know what is. Loss is an extremely powerful emotion and feeling loss is one way to move stories and characters forward. When someone loses something or someone they cared about, this can change that person immensely. I would imagine with the loss of his son, Rick Grimes in the Walking Dead may be moved forward, the story could change, the showrunners could be setting something up, or fuck, even trying to end this show. It’s been on the air for so long now and it’s so far from good. The society we live in that can’t ever see an unhappy ending, or needs to see every tiny aspect of the story to the point that it’s barely even a story anymore is to blame for this. How many Game of Thrones spin offs have been planned? How many? Four? Five? We don’t need this bullshit. Sometimes a story is just a story, and then it ends, and it can be great, it can be good, it can even be amazing. Stop humping them into the ground until you forget the amazing good the story was because all you’re left with is the subpar, super rushed, awful, spread too thin economy dollar store version of the original. It’s okay for things to be beautiful and then end. Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy.
6. Baby Boomers
Oh boomers. I’m so fucking done with you. I was debating adding boomers to this list, and as I was hungover at Denny’s worshipping the ground my waitress walked on to bring my hungover ass some pumpkin spice pancakes and black coffee, all I could hear was the shrill whine of a boomer woman and her husband complaining that they couldn’t get a table. It’s New Years day in a small town, and the only restaurant open is McDicks or Denny’s. It’s also noon. You wanna sit down for some food on a holiday when fuck all is open, you might have to wait, given that half the town is in Denny’s. Boomers constantly complain about “liberal cuck snowflakes” without realizing that they cucked themselves years ago when they first began their bitching about EVERYTHING. The local news site gave a column to a boomer male who uses it to complain about how nurses don’t dress “hot enough” for him, or how cashiers “aren’t friendly enough”, which is a shocking and sad glimpse into their mindset which is ME ME ME ME. The world doesn’t revolve around you, it doesn’t revolve around anyone, and yeah, people can suck sometimes, but sometimes theres more at play than you and your satisfaction. Boomers are quick to call people names online and are just as quick to rage quit when someone calls them old (see above local news man who is the biggest cuck of them all). Boomers are exhausting. They penny pinch for no fucking reason, when they’re by and large swimming in the world’s wealth. They freak the fuck out at retail staff over everything. They’re impatient, and more than anything they’re intolerant nasty assholes. Fuck you guys in a big way.
7. When Something New Comes Out and People Just Have to Hate It To Be “Cool”
This one is exhausting too. Now. We all like and dislike things, often times very different things. There’s a lot of stuff I get and even more stuff I don’t get. I don’t get sports. I don’t get children. I don’t get cars, or raquetball, or supplements, or the gym, or Pokemon, or Drake, or literally so much shit.. and that’s totally fine. I definitely think that when I don’t get something, I have the best way to deal with it – I tell myself that it’s not for me. I don’t get Pokemon, because I’m too old for it. It came out when I was too old to be a part of the craze. But when Pokemon GO came out and people were losing their shit and yukking it up about it and getting outside and doing whatever, being social, having fun.. fuck I get THAT. I get being excited about something. Be excited. What I didn’t get was the litany of very hipster-esque comments from 30-45 year olds making fun of these people. That’s sad and depressing. You have so little in your life that taking a dump on someone having fun is what you have? If you don’t like something, then okay, that’s fine. But don’t shit on people for liking it. Let people have fun. This world can be pretty hard and shitty sometimes, and if something is helping someone find a bit of joy, then who are you to be a shit ass? It’s honestly exhausting to be negative. It takes so much energy out of your day to be shitty. If you have such a surplus, perhaps you could offer some of it up to do something you really like, something that would make you happy, enhance your life, or someone else’s. Go back to Urban Outfitters and get some more watercolor tattoos and shut the fuck up, you’re bumming us all out.
8. Unsupportive Toxic “Friends” and Friendships
On the subject of negativity, this one is going to round out the list for this year, and it’s negative / toxic / unsupportive friends. I avoid making New Year’s Resolutions, because I don’t think a certain day should be given a cult like following to better yourself. Better yourself all year long, don’t just save it for one day. This one is one that I have learned the hard way over many years, because I’ve had a lot of people come into my life – some were drinking buddies, some were movie buddies, some were school buddies, some were people I got high with, some just were, and now they aren’t. The worst bunch of them were people who didn’t support me, who made fun of me, some to my face, and some behind my back. Starting Drunk in a Graveyard, starting writing everyday, taking up photography, putting myself out there. These things have kept me going, kept away the apathy, helped my anxiety, given me something to do with my time. It’s not as cool as drinking discount champagne in your underpants and watching old Seinfeld episodes which you can quote to no one in particular, but it has made me happy. When we started the podcast this past year, the podcast brought Rigby, Scotty and myself closer than ever. It’s given us something so very positive and powerful. Podcasting isn’t for everyone. But being happy is. If your first instinct when you see a “friend” being happy is to try to bring them down, that’s pretty sick, and really, what kind of friend are you? This beyond all else is one thing I’m leaving behind this year. Bring your friends up, support them. Love them. Life is short, and the most important parts of it, are the people you have around you. No. This hobby of mine isn’t for everyone. But it’s for me. And no, I don’t expect everyone to listen to my podcast, or read my writing, but if you can’t be way into me doing it, then you know what.. fuck you. I’m not into you.
Love each other this year. Make 2018 work for you. I can’t wait to see what happens this year!
Happy New Year!!