Treading the Missed Mondays: DO YOU HAVE NIPPLES ON YOUR BUTT? BECAUSE THAT ASS IS THE TITS

WILD-EYED GLANCES FROM DISTANT RESTAURANT TABLES, MEDIOCRE CULTURAL FACTOTUMS!

After spending a little over a week in the clutches of what I can only non-graphically describe as the bodily equivalent of a prison riot, the other day as I pulled my phone from it’s bed on my nightstand I had the realization that my stomach no longer felt like literal hell. Soon as my torso re-allows me to move unimpeded, I become somewhat “Footloose”, and as enjoyable as the repetitive throb of current wub-wub club music is, when it comes time to jingle my jangle I have a preference. There was a very “rollerskate and afro” specific era which shook the world for a brief period and growing up I had a friend named Steve who only love Disco, Kiss, and ZZTOP, so this one’s for him, and my dancey-ass.

BREAKWATER – RELEASE THE BEAST

Close listeners will notice a very iconic synth lick as used by Daft Punk on their hit Robot Rock. If that doesn’t show how amazingly music can stand the test of time in it’s original form, I don’t know what does. Breakwater offered more members than the Jackson 5 with way more yellow moon boots than DEVO. Splashes of layered funk guitar, integral Parliment-esque gang vocals, and a drummer who lives on the high-hat make for a potent lil jammer. Before that it was even sampled on a MURS track. LIMITLESS POTENTIIAAAALLLLL!

You’d think that something as incredible this would have perished nearly immediately after conception, but they played as an eleven-piece this year. So, sup?

KOOL & THE GANG – IF YOU FEEL LIKE DANCIN

From “Ladies Night” to “Celebration” to “Get Down On It”, Kool & The Gang have pumped more out than highschooler with his first computer. They’re something like part of the Big 4 of Disco. There was Earth, Wind & Fire, Bee Gees, Jackson 5, and a few others, but Kool & The Gang still get radio play, purchased for movie inclusion, assembled as big names for compilation albums, late night TV, I mean. . . it’s honestly pretty hard to find someone who doesn’t know at least one K&TG song. Thank the 80’s for producing what we will sample and re-use for decades. I could fill this with really known facts about the band, but a much funnier story is how at our final elementary school dance, my buddy Steve made so many disco/KISS/ZZTOP requests that I think the only other song that got played was “Hella Good – No Doubt”. We were only friends because I stole his gold gel pen in second grade and I totally got away with it. He hated me but was also impressed, friends ever since.

ABBA – GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! (A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT)

Dreamboat Annie had more pipes than a plumbing shop, but Agnetha and Anni-Frid were something like silk. What I’ve realized is the dual-female vocalist gig has essentially perished in our modern musical production. If a song isn’t by a female musician, than they are just a “ft.”, and that sucks. Remember when it was all “Michael Jackson AND Paul McCartney” or “Salt AND Peppa”? There has become a seeming divisionary line where if it isn’t “your song” you are only allowed to be a footnote now. NO ONE CAN JUST SHARE ANYMORE. I await the next band which truly is akin to ABBA, several extremely talented singers, string players, and percussionists that manage to not become a big jazz band where the falling out is that one of the singers is sleeping with the guitarist and the drummer but not the bassist. Poor bassist. despite Agnetha’s walking away from the band obviously lead to their destruction and she stayed away from the public eye for decades. Their name is a perfect example of how equality was present from the very beginning, as “ABBA” is an acronym made up from the first letter of each persons name. Isn’t that nice.

S’GONNA GET COLD OUT THERE AGAIN FOLKS, DANCE AND STAY WARM

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You can find Bear smoking bong and building snowmen on instagram.

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