So, I love Halloween. I think you do too, and surely you must if whatever weird googling you may have been doing has led you onto DrunkInAGraveyard.com and this article. The thing about getting older and being a Halloweener like me is that sometimes life gets in the way of the spookiest time of year.
I live on the same block as a Catholic church who has taken it upon themselves to do a 40 day long pro-life/anti-abortion campaign which literally boils down to a bunch of old white people standing outside screaming whore at any woman who passes by, while simultaneouly clutching rosaries. As fun as it is to get abused whenever I leave my home, this really puts a damper on fun having during the spookiest month of the year. When I have to plan what I’m doing to try to avoid those asswipes, it can really just drain the fun out of it. Combine that with school and work committments and hoo boy do you have a recipe for really taking the wind out of the proverbial spooky sails.
However, this year, I was more determined than ever to have a wonderful goth-Christmas, and instead of being sad or stressed out, I focused on, among other things, programming fun spooky things for DIAG, eating as much pumpkin spice as possible, and finding cool Halloween garbage to add to my collection. It’s one of those approaches that a spooky kid can really sink their teeth into, if you get my meaning. And I’m pretty fucking happy to tell you that this approach worked.
I also want to very humbly thank Dinosaur Dracula for the inspiration to have a great Halloween and to write this spooky post! Thanks, Matt!
So without further adieu, I offer up to you, the 17 Things That Got Me Through Halloween 2017.
1. Vintage Halloween Blow Molds
To be fair, these aren’t really new, per se. The ghost and the Frankenstein are blow molds that I purchased a couple years ago at the local flea market in.. oh, I wanna say fucking July. It was one of those flea market stops too, where you buy something gigantic at the first stall, spend almost all your cash and then have to cart around said gigantic object like a total asshole. And I mean really, if you want a comedy show, just picture me in short shorts hauling around a pink suit wearing Frankenstein while sweating my tits off in 40 degree weather. I regret nothing. The witch and pumpkin kitty are actually somewhat new, in that, I also purchased them in July, but July of 2017 for the grand price of $1 because who fucking sells or buys Halloween decorations in July? Me. This guy. Anyways, fucking worth it though, because these guys are rad as fuck and I love them.
2. This Neon Wolfman Wall Art
Now this guy came from the collection of a local lady and her mum. The mum in this equation was apparently a Halloween addict, much like me, and she had the whole kit and caboodle of decorations. I ended up buying so much stuff from these lovely ladies that I pretty much just bought a new Halloween collection and I am FUCKING HERE FOR IT. This neon wolfman wall art is particularly amazing to me. AWOOOOOOooo!
3. The Zombie Frappucino from Starbucks
While I can’t say for sure if this was good or not, it certainly was sugary as fuck and I immediately got a tummy ache after drinking it. At 450 calories for one drink, it’s pretty much a meal in a cup, and it tastes like sour green caramel apple. Worth it though.
4. The Two Pumpkins On Top of My Refrigerator
Furthering my obsession with blow molds, the little pumpkin dude was given to me by a friend of a friend who knows me only as the creepy Halloween girl, which is an identity I am totally comfortable with. Thanks, lady!
5. This Halloween Goatse Abortion
I was incredilbly hung over when I found this abortion at the East Hastings Value Village in Vancouver and I’m not sure what the fuck it is beyond a trick or treat pail of some variety but it’s here, and it’s freaking me the fuck out. I too hope this makes you as uncomfortable as it’s making me. And tell me it doesn’t remind you of Goatse. If you don’t know what that is.. just google it. Thank me later.
6. This Doe Eyed Dracula
This dude is a candy dish (?), but more importantly he’s a vampire and he’s a fucking pimp, so obviously he came from Homesense with me, because fuck yeah.
7. This Singing Frankenstein
Now, this is an oldie. I got this stupid singing Frankenstein head that gnashes it’s jaws to the tune of “Who Can It Be Now” years ago when an older woman was closing down her haunted house. I’ve never put new batteries in it and for some reason it still works, so clearly it is haunted. This is also Rigby’s favourite thing in perhaps the world next to Yakuza Kiwami.
8. This Crabby Pumpkin
I got this guy from the aforementioned Halloween lady’s collection and he still had the price tag from Target on him, from 1991. The one thing that I adored most about the little lady and her Halloween items is that on almost each one she has written down the date of purchase for the item and the price she paid, in small scribbly handwriting. It’s so adorable and amazing, and I love this grumpy pumpkin more than words can speak.
9. This Black-Cat O’Lantern
This thing haunts and vexes me. It came from Wal-Mart and makes no sense, but it’s a pumpkin cat and it lights up. It also lights me up – with rage.
10. Whatever This Is
I don’t know what this is, but it also haunts and vexes me. It came from Value Village last year and it freaks me the fuck out. Blair thinks it looks like a Power Ranger helmet so good luck unseeing that now that I’ve said it.
11. This Pumpkin That Is Fuzzy
K, remember in the 1980s/1990s how there were toys that had that weird fucking flocking on them, like He-Man’s Mossman and those dumb ass My Little Pony toys that would immediately look filthy the moment you opened them? Okay, so similar concept here. Again, this little guy came from the collection of the Halloween ladies and he is really just fucking grand. I love him.
12. These Halloween Matryoshka (Nesting) Dolls
These also came from the Halloween ladies. I have never really given a toss about matryoshka dolls and my mother is from Ukraine, and somehow this year I have acquired two sets, so I suppose you can take the girl out of Russia, but not the Russia out of the girl, so here we are. These dolls are wooden, handpainted and kind of creepy if you look at the obviously strung out expression on the witch and the ghost.
13. This Beautiful Ghost That I Bartered For
Anyone who knows me knows I’m fucking brutal at bartering. Like, if you want deals, take me fucking garage saleing. My mum is from the aforementioned Ukraine, and bartering is in the family bloodline. My grandma never paid full price for anything and she taught me how to dicker at a very early age. I bartered this beautiful (albeit cracked on one side) ceramic sheet ghost down by half at the Vancouver flea market. I still overpaid at $10, but I really really love sheet ghosts and this one looks so good with an LED candle in it. I was way too excited to get this guy, and I’m getting all proud thinking about how good my bartering skills are.
14. This Rip-Off Disney Witch
Well, this looks like the witch from Snow White, but don’t let looks fool you because she’s also got a pumpkin. I got this from the Halloween lady’s collection in town and this porcelain little guy has a light up crystal ball and is from the early 1990s. I love it.
15. This Obviously Haunted and Extremely Cursed Witch
I was at a collectibles sale that was supposed to be Halloween themed, and aside from one VHS seller, and an old crazy man selling extremely cursed objects, the scares seemed to be in short supply. I bought some horrifying Halloween decorations from said old man and he “threw” this witch in for.. fun, I guess? Anyways, it’s extremely cursed.
16. This Novelty Halloween Pepsi from Japan
Well. It tasted like strawberry candy, sprite, and cream soda mixed together and if you’re really feeling intrepid, you can go listen to our review of it on our latest episode of the Drunk in a Graveyard podcast – Accidental Cosplay.
17. And This Pimp Ass Dracula
Words cannot describe the deep love and affection I have for this particular Dracula, which is probably going to remain up year round because reasons.
You can find Robin attemping to cope with her Halloween hangover and searching for Pumpkin Spice rolling papers on twitter.