Treading the Missed Monday: Das Quick Maffs


I can’t really attest to being the best dude. As a matter of a fact, I’m extremely vain, a bigger bleeding heart than most, and I am compulsively in the mood for whatever flavour the “Mystery Flavour” AirHeads are.
(I will go in undercover if need be to uncover this information)
Through said miniscule confectionary abomination I was pleasantly surprised to have a conversation with a local 7-11 attendress about how “Not Knowing” is totally bunk.

Gentle examples, you request?

• If someone used your toothbrush.
• If the hole-in-the-wall you’re eating at has recently failed a Health & Safety check.
• If your date has Syphilis.
• If “Mystery Flavour” Airheads are where all the unicorns REALLY went, because those motherfuckers taste so damn magical that it ju-
• If your child is allergic to Penicillin.
• If someone loved you back.
But akin to a certain taffy-esque treat which is devoid of colour, life is pretty much 99% “Not Knowing”, which leaves us to believe that every choice we have made up to this point continues to endure because of some certainty of fate or strength of conviction, but I have tragic news for those living in that arrogance,
Hell is empty. All the devils are here.
Back to not being the best dude though, I can’t contrive a narrative in my head (and trust me I’m frightfully good at those) wherein any single one of us is “meant” to “be” anywhere, with anyone, for anything. This heavily contests with the fact that I’ve seen “Love, Actually” probably almost as many times as I’ve seen “The Thing”, BOTH of which I can almost quote verbatim. This is AGAIN counteracted by my CONSTANTLY REINFORCED OPINION that we are so screeewwwwwed. How in tarnation did we peak in 2004 with the worst thing being “Tiger Blood” memes? Every year it seems we continue to take two steps forward and three steps back, beckoning the return of vinyl, hammerpants, and Crystal Pepsi. It all seems like a phrase which I love but use all to infrequently, “Fresh New Hell”. So I’ma break down the harsher truths for the uninformed, just so that it doesn’t sting as much.
• Unless it’s brand new, or only you use it and are sure, someone has peed in your shower.
• Racism is hella alive. Three Nazi’s got arrested in America today, let that headline sink in.
• “Mystery Flavour” Airheads are just all the leftover bits from other batches, so they’re a little different every time.
• Bruce Willy is a ghost in Sixth Sense.
• Lying to yourself only hurts yourself.
• GMO’s is a broad overstatement that means nothing. What you think is a banana is GMO AF.
• Mitochondria is god damn powerhouse of a cell.

And with those fun facts, I leave you with nary a triplicate of songs this grueling Monday, but the album I’ve had stuck on repeat for about a week now. Something like doing cocaine off the hood of GTO supercharger, whilst “Married With Children” era Christina Applegate twirls her-. . . actually, screw that, CURRENT CHRISTINA APPLEGATE TO MAKE IT MORE REALISTIC, TWIRLING HER BLONDE LOCKS, WEARIN’ WAAAAY TOO BIG OF SUNGLASSES AND I KNOW I’M YELLING SIR BUT I TOLD YOU NOT TO INTERUPT ME WHEN I’M HAVING APPLEGATE TIME AT THE LIBRARY.

Jeez, some guy is kicking me off. Apparently that’s “Not a responsible use of public computers”. He’s probably gonna go home and have some “Devito Time” anyways. Nerd.

(“Days of Thunder” absolutely taking the cake.)

-Bear (@blairsphemy)

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