T’WAS A DARK AND STORMY PLAGERISM.
GARBLED HANGOVER SOUNDS OF “THANKS FOR THE PIZZA”, NON-PURPLE PEOPLE. UNLESS THEY’RE SUFFICATING, THEN HELP THEM!
Oos Canadiens have seen the first few frosty flakes of frozen freedom being to flourish upon the Rocky’s, and as I sip’th mine double-double and prepare to enjoy the coming of crunchy-ass leaves under foot, something caught me off guard. This was the first year in a long time that flew by so magnanimously. I remember a blink of summer, a few important birthdays, births, and funerals, but god damn thug, like faaaaaast. Problem with this guy is that as soon as I have that impending realization of the relentless pace of life, I get all “Make every second count”. Collapsing barriers of “free-time” with all the things I slack on the rest of the year, which always leads to the same three event that you could set your watch to:
EVENT THE FIRST – I GET IN DIFFERENT SHAPE.
IRON WILL – GRAND MAGUS
I always have some “Gym Anthems” when it hits pre-winter, and this gem always makes it onto the list. It has some real basic heavy/power metal clichés in it and all that, but it just pounds. Like a blacksmith’s hammer pounding out the flaws. I haven’t been terribly out of shape in about 4-5 years, which is killer, and every time this cycle recurs I simply make it my goal to not get that “Winter 15” in chub, but pound it into muscle. If that continues from my current weight onwards until I’m 40, I should be a casual. . .
THREE-HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE POUNDS OF MUSCLE. OH FUCk. RECALcULaTE. ERR0r. tOOOO sWOOoLLLe.
EVENT THE NOT FIRST OR THIRD, BUT BETWEEEEEEN – WINTER SOCIAL EVENT // THE BABE.
SLIK TOXIK – HELLUVATIME
I love going out come the winter months. The streets become mostly devoid of transients and drug addicts whose blood is so thinned-out that any weather below zero could have a somewhat “All the dudes that went with Jason to help fight Medusa” kind of effect where they could see the snow coming and raise their hands in fear before becoming grey statues against a pale landscape, OR THAT’S THE DREAM ANYWAYS. This wily bunch of Canadian boys may have even made it into one of my pieces before, but it hits a bundled cylinder of nails with a sledgehammer. Aside from carrying the “good time, not a long time” connotation that I find so endearing in music, the video has a lizard, so that’s an insta-include any day. With all my night ventures and social drifting, I tend to come across other lovely and distinctly-jaded souls which intermingle with mine powerfully enough that grips me in an unavoidable way, AND THE CHASE BEGINS! Across the bar she shines through feathered dark-hair, raises her empty glass high and says “Double Whiskey, AGAIN!”. She talks a little trashy, sings loud as hell, and still wants to be called princess at the end of the day, and I fall all over again.
EVENT “OOOOH BABY A TRIPLE” THE THIRD – THE 2012 OF TOTAL RECALL.
FLASHBACK HEART ATTACK – EZO
Why the shitty version of Total Recall, Bear? Because it is a shitty event, Audience. Every year, once everything is finally unrusted and really revvin’, and I have some great potential new lass to dote upon, in walks some old flame or loose-end and there I am, committedly bad at leaving a girl unfinished. Whichever subconscious primordial part of our brain that controls “Ex Get Back Together-Dom” should be removed at birth. Anyways, the following final two months of the year post said girl popping in become very secluded and passionately-charged as all “fresh” relationships do, and then all those healthy cogs with killer biceps become replaced with complacent couple cogs with relationship gut and Instagram photos prompting everyone about how well everything is going whilst secretly binging on trash food, fighting, and getting cheated on, and too all of that fuck-ass, this year I say:
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you, Bitch”.
Not only is everything going to STAY on the raise, I’m gonna increase the incline. Basically, if you wanna catch “2018 BEAR”, you better start running now, ‘cause I’ma make more headway than your boy ever has.