COMPULSORY CHEEK-TO-CHEEK KISSES, CHITINOUS MAN-GRUBS!
Today is a special monday for mine-self and my fellow province-people. Today is “BC Day” where we celebrate all the things that make our little west coast home a real thicc slice of paradise. We make ridiculously good beer, bands many-limbedly contort themselves out of our woodwork, and god-damn if we don’t grow some good bud. All in all, British Columbia is a top-tier place to live-
That is if you don’t hate an increasing density in our homeless population, asH IN THE SKIES ALL SUMMER/SUB 40 WINTERS IN A DESERT, SALMONELLA, HUNDREDS OF VENOMOUS AND POISONOUS ANIMALS AND INSECTS, AND THE OCCASIONAL MILF, IT’S A surprise that any of us make it through a day, really.
That being said, look at all of us, being all alive! However you made it through last month, just do that again, but better!
Once upon a time there were many sisters, all born of the same castle. Each sister had a very minor deformity of one form or another. A crooked eye here, a cleft lip there, they were all afflicted in some way, except for the 100th daughter, Nera. They lived on an island which was both bountiful in wild game and free of most worldly cares.
Nera was stunning in ways that could crumble kingdoms, and her eyes could split oceans with their deep hues. From distant islands and shores came all make and manner of suitors, and though they came one after another, they each viewed Nera amongst her many sisters and left unwed. After many years of this passing, some princes staying short times, others turning out not to be princes at all, Nera decided that if love was not going to come to her, then she would go to love. She collected her many trinkets and tokens of affection and set out into a world none of her family had ever dared to travel, coughing a little at the dust in the air and the shoddy amount of sole to her shoes. She meandered down to the pier to leave the small island she’d known her whole life.
Though the sea threw her into the ever-damp pine floor more than a handful of times, Nera’s repeated attempts at sleep did well to pass the time of the voyage.
Nera shot to the deck like a deer hearing a twig break. On the horizon was another island, not dissimilar to her home. Cobbled bastions rode the horizon like stone fists thrust skyward. After getting off board, she began to investigate where the Prince of this island was to be found, and was astonished to find that the palace she saw before her was home to not one, not two, but ONE HUNDRED PRINCES.
“Surely they must leave in search of Queens?” she asked a peddler.
“Ay, one did, once. Said he wouldn’t wait around for love a second longer”.
“Must have been quite a prince.” she added.
“Oh ay. A face that could raise a kingdom. Eyes that could calm a sea”.
Nera’s mind and feet became synchronized as she hurried to the large arches of the castle. She went through the door like a stallion, each foot fall echoing through the open stone-columned hall, only to be met by 198 eyes, well. . .about 197 of them. A prince with a crooked eye, another with a cleft lip, and behind all of them a painting of who she new immediately to be the missing prince. Even the artist managed to capture flame within him, the emblazoned lust for love burning throughout him, the same embers which until this moment had lay untended in Nera. A voice penetrated the crowd,
“H-He sailed s-south.”
Nera spun to face the area of the sound, only to see a young girl, tears streaming down her face.
“What’s the matter young one? I will find him! He will never go unloved then!”
The girls jaw became more agape as her whimper became a wail.
“But I loved him!” she shrieked. “We all did! And what if he doesn’t come back? What if you take him away? What makes your love so much better?!”
Nera didn’t so much respond as make all the sounds one makes when trying to figure out an answer that doesn’t sound disgusting. She eyed the Princes, each one ringing a different bell in her head, each one though not perfect for her, definitely had a match for someone, and Nera, had a plan.
A few months passed after she returned home with the other 99 princes, and watched as each of her siblings slowly fell in love, finding perfection in the flaws of their new companions. Taking long walks around the shores, eating picnics by the fountain, life seemed ethereal for them. Nera made the trip back to the other island a few times, but with dwindling hope.
One late summer evening an armada appeared off the coast, jolly rogers hung high, and standing defiantly across the bow was a brick-jawed buccaneer the likes of which Nera had never imagined. They cut through the wake like daggers and when they reached the shore they disembarked like feverish rats. The leader raised his polished cutlass above his head an in a motion the whole crew stopped. Nera stood alone, closest to the shore. The immense “thud” of the man hitting the sand as he landed made her shiver despite the warm breeze and scent of spices drifting from him.
“I came looking for treasure, and here you are.” He said it without implication, without joking candour. “You’re harder to find than the bottom of the ocean, my dear.” he said as he threw his sword into the sand.
“What do you want from me?” asked Nera.
“My family.” the man smiled, raising his head just enough that she could see underneath the shadows of his tri-corn.
Eyes that could calm the ocean herself, but that was not the effect they had on Nera.
Voices built behind her and before she could utter a sound, body after body swept down the beach towards the pirate crew, sweeping the Captain up and bellowing cheers of joy. Through the cacophony, one very clear word made it to Nera, “Brother”.
ANYWAYS YOU GET THE REST.
Morals of that story:
– Take the first step.
– Be patient.
– Work at it.
– You will get what you deserve.
Also it’s playlist day. Enjoy all these babes in my ladies playlist.
You can find Bear on instagram @blairsphemy and he guests over on the @drunkinagraveyard instagram from time to time as well.