My name is Jeremy Clarkson and welcome to Top Ge-

(Wait a tick. . . oh yeah!)

My name is Chris Hansen and this is To Catch A Preda-

(No, no, no, that still feels weird. . .one more try)

WHAT THE CUCK IS HAPPENIN’, ORGANIC COMPOST PACKETS?!

(MMM, YEAH. JUST LIKE THAT, JIMMY)

Ever had a shitty date?

I mean a date from hell, but you let it go with casual brush-off’s of “Perhaps they were nervous” or “Standard first date ackwardness”, chances are that you’re just too nice of a ween to realize you may have been setting up the platform for a relationship with a psychopath.

Now, NOT TO NAME ANY NAMES, but this one time I happened to be in a relationship with a young lady who seemed to have a very solid head on her shoulders. Her parents were very successful but abrasive to their children, mostly covering parenthood by throwing cash at problems instead of speaking to their kids like they were kids, making things into literal legal issues instead of mental health issues.

All that being said, we are ALL responsible for our own actions, so if you break up with someone, don’t put their possessions in a barrell and light it on fire or steal the things you wish to keep, and then years down the road after they haven’t spoken to you at all, threaten them with a restraining order, because I PROMISE your ex is NOT gonna forget those shenanigans.

THAT’S TODAY FOLKS, WE GONNA TALK ABOUT BUTTS WHICH WE NO LONGER CALL OURS, FOR BETTER OR WORSE.

MOTLEY CRUE – DON’T GO AWAY MAD (JUST GO)

Perhaps it takes the ebbing and flowing masses of 80’s groupies that helped big bands know when someone was hoe’in, and when to get outta there. The boys in the Crue definitely had their fair share of mistresses, but one story resounds very heavily in my stone tomb of a mind, and that story goes as such: Back on the Cruesing Through Canada tour, after a series of semi-arrests, bomb threats, and Tommy tossing a TV out of a hotel window, they were deported back to the states, and yet at the same time they were passionately excited about it. Being banned from a country is like the ultimate rock star status symbol, next to the Hall Of Fame. So essentially, Canada was like “Nooooooo. Y’all is hoe’in. Go home hoe”, and then when we stopped being prudes we welcomed them back with open arms.

D.R.I. – GIRL WITH A GUN

Though not the most lyrically vast band, Dirty Rotten Imbeciles is the best crossover band (in my opinion). Each OTHER album from the band changed the sound another step from punk towards thrash, climaxing on the album “Thrashard” praised by both metalheads and punks alike for it’s sheer relentlessness. Now, I don’t agree with the lyrics mind you, nor do I disagree. I definitely know a few individuals (male and female) who definitely should not have access to firearms, but as far as for personal protection it should probably be significantly easier for a woman to acquire a weapon for self-defense, but that’s just my stance on the matter. I have only been threatened at gunpoint once and it was definitely my fault for trespassing where I shouldn’t have been, so warranted. The dual tempo of this song shines a very nice light on the history of the band and how they grew from their early brash punk roots, taking very clear aspects of UK Punk and fusing them with the hard, driving d-beat of thrash metal. Get down.

MISFITS – SHE

Now mind you, I really doubt any of us have ended up in a situation like that of Patty Hearst, but the Symbionese Liberation Army didn’t kidnap all that many people during it’s short few years of existence. Those that it did were in-turn forced to do their dirty work. The SLA wanted a lot of things you might even find agreeable, like feeding the populus, which may be why afterwords Patty retained the beliefs the SLA had brainwashed into her. Early misfits, especially Danzig era, is something special. Danzig now is something mountainous, and I only mean that in weight and not popularity.

I hit ya three times, and I’ll hit ya three times again next week, nerds. Safe dates!

– BEAR