So I’m really really into this babe that’s on the periphery of my friendgroup. I think she might be a satanist or into wicca witchcraft or something, because she always smells like incense and has a crystal necklace and talks about spirits. When she came over to my house, she said it needed a “smudging” and I thought she was into some kind of weird poop fetish thing, so I said okay, and pretty soon she had this old bird wing out and was waving around this smelly smoke calling to the “spirits”. I didn’t want to burst her bubble or anything, but I live in a condo that was built only a few years ago so I don’t think this place is haunted, but I’m totally willing to go along with whatever, because she’s got a real nice fat ass and huge pair of tits, so she can do whatever she needs to do.
She’s saying now that I might need an exorcism and has offered to bring over some candles and a few of her witch friends. I’m just curious, how should I try to steer this more towards sexy time, and less towards my immortal soul.
Voodoo and Vagina in Vancouver
Dear Voodoo and Vagina,
I thank you most kindly for writing in to my column this week and I must confess that I know pithy little about the variety of sexual witchcraft of which you are hoping to engage. I must remind you of course that all women are insane, and with this in mind, you seem to have selected one that may be more mentally ill than the rest. I am curious to know if this woman is nude at any point during her magickal rituals? I believe the term these mentally ill witches use is “skyclad”. I would also like to make most plain that I am NOT referring to the crappy band Skyclad with this statement. Perhaps this would be a way to steer the witchery slightly more towards the wanton. Encourage her to entertain her practice while Skyclad and perhaps while she is waving around a wand, you could reach up and cup her rump or go for a titty grope.
I wish you the best of luck with exorcising / exercising your manhood.
Varg ‘VVitchy’ Vikernes
Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your burning love advice queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.