Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Who Do Voodoo?

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Dear Varg,

So I’m really really into this babe that’s on the periphery of my friendgroup.  I think she might be a satanist or into wicca witchcraft or something, because she always smells like incense and has a crystal necklace and talks about spirits.  When she came over to my house, she said it needed a “smudging” and I thought she was into some kind of weird poop fetish thing, so I said okay, and pretty soon she had this old bird wing out and was waving around this smelly smoke calling to the “spirits”.  I didn’t want to burst her bubble or anything, but I live in a condo that was built only a few years ago so I don’t think this place is haunted, but I’m totally willing to go along with whatever, because she’s got a real nice fat ass and huge pair of tits, so she can do whatever she needs to do.

She’s saying now that I might need an exorcism and has offered to bring over some candles and a few of her witch friends.  I’m just curious, how should I try to steer this more towards sexy time, and less towards my immortal soul.

Thanks!

Voodoo and Vagina in Vancouver

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Dear Voodoo and Vagina,

I thank you most kindly for writing in to my column this week and I must confess that I know pithy little about the variety of sexual witchcraft of which you are hoping to engage.  I must remind you of course that all women are insane, and with this in mind, you seem to have selected one that may be more mentally ill than the rest.  I am curious to know if this woman is nude at any point during her magickal rituals?  I believe the term these mentally ill witches use is “skyclad”.  I would also like to make most plain that I am NOT referring to the crappy band Skyclad with this statement.  Perhaps this would be a way to steer the witchery slightly more towards the wanton.  Encourage her to entertain her practice while Skyclad and perhaps while she is waving around a wand, you could reach up and cup her rump or go for a titty grope.

I wish you the best of luck with exorcising / exercising your manhood.

Best Wishes,

Varg ‘VVitchy’ Vikernes

Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your burning love advice queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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