Get Out (2017)

Get Out was great. I loved everything about it. my only complaint is possibly with the title which led to a borderline Abbott and Costello routine when I told my friend I was going to get out and he asked where I was going out. It was extremely tedious. This movie was not tedious however. It was super weird and awkward, much like my entire life up to this point.

The movie centers around Chris and his girlfriend Rose who are going to Rose’s parents’ house for the weekend. Chris hasn’t met her parents and he’s extremely apprehensive about it because Rose is white and he’s (NEEDLE SCRATCH SOUND) black. How scandalous (????) It’s a real “guess who’s coming to dinner” situation, which is not a great situation to be in. Rose claims her parents won’t mind and Chris is skeptical but decides to go on the weekend trip anyways. Spoiler alert: it goes extremely poorly for him. Slightly worse than a mandatory company retreat with forced group activities but not by much.

On the way to the house Chris talks to his friend Rod who is staying at his house looking after his extremely adorable dog. As is going on, Rose drives straight into an extremely adorable deer. The couple calls the police to deal with the half dead deer and the cop demands to see Chris’ license even though he was the passenger in the vehicle. He starts to hand it over before Rose stops him and says the cop is out of line to ask for it and tells Chris not to give it to him. This scene was really important and set the tone for the rest of the film. Chris, as a black man, is used to dealing with daily weird fucked up and wrong micro aggressions and accusations based on his skin colour so he’s just wanting to get it over with and not cause a scene that might escalate. Rose on the other hand is a white woman who feels like she can get away with mouthing back to a cop with no repercussions.

After that super charming encounter they continue onto the house and meet Rose’s parents. Its super uncomfortable. Rose’s dad welcomes Chris and almost immediately says “I would have voted for Obama for a third time if I could” YIKES. Chris also meets Rose’s super weird brother along with the gardener and housekeeper, both of whom are black. This understandably makes Chris pretty uncomfortable. Rose’s mom insists on hypnotizing Chris to stop him from smoking because she doesn’t like that he smokes around her daughter. I mean it’s not like he’s holding her down and blowing smoke directly in her mouth so I don’t really see the issue but whatever. After a super awkward dinner where Rose’s brother comments that Chris would be good at MMA because of his genetic makeup. Most of the MMA fighters I’ve seen have been hulking goons with cauliflower ears whereas Chris is a cute photographer so I don’t really see the connection but whatever.

Later that night when he attempts to sneak a late night smoke Rose’s mom flicks on a light because she was just sitting in a dark room I guess waiting for him to walk by. White people are crazy. She’s all “hey let me hypnotize you” and he’s like “lol no” but sits down with her anyways while she drinks some tea. She starts asking him about his mother who passed away when he was a little kid after she was involved in a hit and run accident. She’s really giving him the gears because he just kept watching TV and waiting for his mom instead of calling the police after she was missing for a few hours. This is bogus because he was like 11 or 12 so what else is he supposed to do, and also one time my dad fell off our roof when he was working on it and my mom burst in the living room and yelled at me to come help and I was like “haha what?” and kept watching TV because I assumed she was joking. She was not joking. That episode of Marsupilami was really good though so worth it! so yeah, I feel like she’s a bit out of line.

precious memories

As she’s talking to Chris she keeps stirring her tea and instead of slapping it out of her hand for being irritating he get hypnotized by her clanking the damn spoon around in the cup. She is just the worst. Chris finds himself in a weird nether realm only able to watch himself in the room being hypnotized. And hes all “This suuuuuucks!” and then wakes up in bed assuming it was a nightmare. Roses parents tell the couple that they’re hosting a garden party and everyone in the neighbourhood is coming. This sounds terrible to begin with but it’s even worse because Chris is the only black dude there and the rest are old weird white people. Being the only black person at a party wouldn’t be an issue in regular normal people’s lives but this is straight up the most uncomfortable scene in movie history. Everyone at the party gawks at Chris like he’s an exotic attraction and ask him really strange questions about what it’s like to be black. Chris momentarily escapes the party to go upstairs and call Rod. As soon as he’s up the stairs and out of sight, everyone in the house stops and stares at the ceiling listening to him walk around upstairs. It was super unsettling. Also such a nightmare because if I slipped away at a party, it would be because I needed to either puke, poop or stress cry so the idea of everyone stopping dead and listening to me is extremely distressing.

Later at the party Chris spots another black dude and goes up to strike up a conversation. It does not go well. The other man introduces himself as Logan and he’s dressed like Bagger Vance. It’s horrible. Chris is shook by this weird dude especially when he finds out he’s with a white broad that’s like 30 years old than him. Normally I would be 50% get it girl because this guy is cute and 50% get it boy because this woman is rich, but this is a horror movie so yeah its not gonna be great. Chris goes to pound it to Logan and Logan awkwardly goes in for a handshake. It was a trainwreck from start to finish. Chris thinks he knows Logan from somewhere so he decides to take a sneaky picture so he can send it to Rod. As he attempts this, the flash on his phone goes off and blinds Logan. This alone is a nightmare because who amongst us hasn’t tried to get stealth snap of a stranger because they’re either super foxy or super weird looking. None of you are free of that sin. I know it, you know it, we all know it.

Logans nose starts to bleed and then he launches himself at Chris while shouting at him to get out. Now I don’t know about you but if I was at a party and a man lunged at me while screaming at me to get out I would assume I blacked out and smashed an expensive vase on accident or ate all their pizza rolls or something, but unfortunately this was not the case.

​what a uhhh lovely couple (???)

Everyone in the party ushers Logan into the house and later he explains to Chris that he had a seizure and apologizes for upsetting him. Chris is no dummy and knows something in the milk aint clean. He tells Rose he wants to leave and she agrees that they’ll leave that night. You know what they say though: Nothing brings a couple closer together like fleeing the scene of a bizarre holiday weekend rife with tense racial undertones. Meanwhile back at the house, all the weirdos are hosting a Bingo game which is essentially a silent auction. Guess what though, they’re not auctioning off Fabergé eggs, they’re auctioning off Chris. So uhh yeah. That’s something.

As the couple are packing to leave Chris texts Rod a picture of Logan, Rod immediately calls him back and says that’s an acquaintance of theirs actually named Andre. Rod is convinced that these white old people are kidnapping and hypnotizing black dudes and using them as slaves. (HES NOT REALLY WRONG) Chris starts packing at double speed and as he’s rooting around the room he finds a bunch of pictures of Rose with old boyfriends. He recognizes one as the gardener working for the family, and another girl in a picture is the maid. Now he’s packing at triple speed and as soon as he attempts to leave the house he’s stopped by Rose’s parents and creepy brother. Rose then explains to him that she can’t give him the keys and let him leave. TRAITOR!!!! I was honestly stunned when this happened because Rose seemed super into Chris but nope, she was just a crazy woman who lured black men to their death. You win some, you lose some.

Chris wakes up in a tastefully appointed rumpus room tied to a chair and being forced to watch a video. This is like whenever I’m forced to do mandatory webinars at work, I feel your pain Chris. The video explains that the family and community has been kidnapping people and transplanting their brains into their bodies so they can be young again. They always choose black people because they’re “fashionable” this is wild to me because these super rich old white people that live in this creepy community are so far removed from the rest of society they don’t understand the shitty harassment and racism that’s still unfortunately alive and well in the rest of America and/or the world. Its like they saw half of Love and Basketball and half of The Thing with Two Heads and were like “yeah that’s the ticket!”

YIKES

Anyways Chris manages to avoid being brainwashed by the trigger hypnosis video by ripping stuffing out of the chair and shoving it in his ears. He then bashes Roses brothers head right the fuck in with a bocce ball when he comes to prep him for brain replacement surgery. Chris stumbles into the operating room and stabs Roses dad with a stuffed deer head which was SUPER COOL AND I LOVED IT. he then knocks a candle over to burn the house down because fuck em that’s why.

As he makes his way to the front door he’s attacked by Roses mom who he easily kills because she’s a middle aged home owner, as well as Roses brother who somehow survived the head bashing but does not survive the boot stomping. Again, I loved all of this. As Chris finally escapes in Rose’s brothers car he immediately drives straight into the maid. Talk about a case of the Mondays. He stops and picks up the maid which was honestly such a dumb move because as soon as she wakes up she tries to drive the car straight into a tree because guess what. she’s actually Rose’s grandma with her brain transplanted into this poor sap! Jeez.

Meanwhile Rose has been eating Froot Loops like a psychopath by eating them dry and then drinking milk. It was really unsettling. She hears the telltale sound of someone fleeing her home and decides to hunt Chris down with a hunting rifle, like you do. Bad breakups are hard, I get it. She teams up with the gardener who is also her Grandpa (this family is weird) and Chris and grandpa start wrassling. Chris quickly dispatches the man by using the flash on his phone to temporarily restore him to his former self. He then tells Rose he wants to kill Chris himself and Rose is all “ok G-Pa!” and then immediately gets shot in the gut before the man turns the gun on himself. So Chris is ok! (YAY!) but then a cop car rolls up and Chris is like well off to jail for me. But guess what. Its ROD. The hero of the movie used his superhuman abilities as a TSA agent to track Chris down and rescue him from this crazy family. God Bless you Rod.

​THE REAL MVP

So there we have it! Chris and Rod escape after a brief “I told you so” from Rod, but really who could resist??

Get Out was really great, it was tense and scary and uncomfortable. I give it 4 awkward handshakes out of 5.

Final Thoughts:

-do you eat cereal and milk separately like some kind of maniac?
-would you ever get hypnotized?
-hey on the plus side Chris doesn’t want to smoke anymore
-so I guess it wasn’t all bad
-have you ever beat a man to death with a bocce ball?
– it would be a very Italian way to die

– Rigby (@rigbot)

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