This is going to be a weird one, so please bear with me. I met my boyfriend on a local fetish dating site and he’s honestly the nicest guy. He and I share so much and he’s totally into watching Doctor Who marathons with me and he knows where to go to get the best raw vegan food in town. The thing is that he has a diaper fetish and it’s gone a bit too far. I haven’t been able to have any orgasms with him because the only sex he wants is with a diaper underneath us. He’s into me urinating into his mouth and on him in the shower and stuff, and I’m totally fine with it because it obviously gets him off, but it does not work for me at all. I honestly just want him to fuck me doggystyle and slap my ass and cum on my tits like a regular person, but it’s always diapers. Diapers and piss, and more diapers.
He even jerks off into them while watching hentai porn.
I don’t want to cause a fight but I’m sick of burning the batteries out on my vibrator when I have a boyfriend with a functioning cock, you know?
What should I do…
Pissed Off in Pittsburgh
Dear Pissed Off,
My good woman, thank you for writing in to my column today with your concerns. I must admit that I had limited knowledge about what a diaper fetish entailed up until now, but after some preliminary googling, I must say that I am somewhat horrified.
Like you, good woman, I am no stranger to engaging in many forms of interesting sexual behaviour, but I have not yet been compelled to ejaculate into any variety of incontinence products. Further to this point, I wish to illustrate to you my concern regarding your good husband who is more interested in dat diaper than dat booty.
The sexual act is a complicated dance that alternates between leading and following, giving and receiving, and if you are constantly giving to the point that you are overusing your sexual pleasure electronic devices, then it is clear to me that you need to reevaluate your relationship and possibly flush this pile of piss down the toilet.
Varg “Vaginal Vinegar” Vikernes
P.S. I am confused as to what you mean about ‘raw vegan food’ and your good husband being able to find the best of it in your town. Don’t you mean fruits and vegetables? A man going to the produce section of a grocery shop is certainly nothing to be crowing about.
P.P.S You mention your good husband enjoying Doctor Who. Why did you not dump his ass at that?
Be sure E-mail Varg with all your pissy love advice queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.