The Bye Bye Man – or, Paranormal Cucktivity

Alright.

You guys.

I don’t want to speak too soon on this, but I think I may have discovered what rock bottom is, and no, I’m not talking about Michael Fassbender’s rock bottom.

I’m talking about my own personal rock bottom, and no, it’s not some Amy Winehouse alcohol fuelled nightmare, or passing out while wearing go-go boots with a crack pipe in hand in you mother’s azaleas.

I went to see The Bye Bye Man, on opening night.  Pretty sad, right?

But wait, there’s more!  The theatre I went to see it in had no heat.  In my city in Canada right now, it’s -20, so that was roughly the temperature in the theatre.  Oh, and the women’s bathroom also had no running water.  So.  I huddled down into my parka with Rigby and Scotty and as we shivered together for warmth, we watched the 90 minute stinker called The Bye Bye Man.

And I did this, all so I could bequeath to you my good readers, this fuckery.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Anywho, join me for a time as we say hello to The Bye Bye Man.

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Now, straight up, this movie was awful, and somehow, this was apparent not only from the shit fuckery of a trailer, which I’m attaching below, but it was also very obvious from the fact that the Bye Bye Man is not based on a book, not a chapter in a book, but is rather based on a page from a chapter of a short story, so really – sweet fuck all.

Check the trailer, I’ll wait.

Now, this movie trailer looks like The Bye Bye Man would be your typical January horror film release – nothing special, probably nothing super new, but you know, perhaps entertaining.

Yeah.  This movie stank out loud, which is kind of a shame because the actual Bye Bye Man was played Doug Jones.

dougjones-byebye.jpg

Is Doug Jones fuckable?  Tell me in the comments below.

I say yes, but I’ve been told I have terrible taste in men, so who knows, right?

Anyways, it’s a shame that this movie was crappy, because Doug Jones played a kind of neat character.

Anyways, the basic plot summary of this film *spoiler alert* is that an entity called The Bye Man Man exists, and once you say his name, he becomes manifested in your head, like a bad conscience or pop song you can’t shake and the more you think about him and the more you say his name and pass it along to others, the stronger his presence becomes and he eventually drives people crazy, causing them to hallucinate or act violently.

The film opens and a reporter has just gone shitballs bananas and takes a shotgun and kills a bunch of his friends who know what the Bye Bye Man is.  You know, just like how your friends once found out about you sleeping with that super ugly dude that one time and you knew straight away that they had to die, so you polished the old shot gun and got to erasing some inconvenient memories.  What’s friendship for, right?

Cut to modern day, (or technically, cut to 2014 modern day, because The Bye Bye Man was filmed in 2014 and had several release dates which it did not meet, and then sat on the shelf for 3 years, so again if that doesn’t give you an inkling into what variety of slop this film was, then I dunno what will), and Elliot and his forgettable and obviously way out of his league girlfriend Sasha, and his jacked and tanned friend John are moving into a real shit heap of a house off the college campus.  The house is creepy and falling apart, but hey it comes with free haunted furniture and I’ve moved into places for less, so who’s to blame them.

Elliot is the textbook definition of a real cuck.  His super hot gf spends a lot of time canoodling with his best friend who is clearly the alpha, and Elliot spends a lot of time wearing Violent Femmes shirts and that’s about all he has going for him.

Now, the acting in this film is atrocious.  It’s like the producers cast three aliens, zipped them into human skin suits and then turned them loose.  These people didn’t behave like friends, or even acquaintances, they spoke like they had been raised by wolves and never interacted with another person in their whole lives.  It was a combination of janky script writing, poor casting, and terrible actors and it really removed the viewer from believability that these were people, let alone people you should care about.

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Like most stories that make no goddamn sense, Elliot finds a nightstand and the paper lining of the nightstand has DONT THINK IT DONT SAY IT, written over and over.  Nice and comforting, right?  Not creepy at all, right?  So he peels up the paper and finds carved into the drawer the words, “The Bye Bye Man” and once he says the words, boy does nothing happen.

Later on, and some variety of college keg party where all the attendees are 30-40 years old but pretending to be HOT YOUNG college students, a hot gothy witch girl in a floppy hat says she’s psychic and wishes to cleanse the house of bad energy.

One of the best throwaway lines of the film is Elliot remarking that “any girl who wears a hat inside is crazy”.

After the keg party where Sasha is grinding all up on Elliot’s jacked and tanned friend John and Elliot is all dancing by himself wearing a Joy Division shirt (been there), they decide to play baseball..  in the dark.  For some reason?   Like.  What?  Either I’m going to the wrong parties or am uneducated in some way, but who the fuck interrupts a perfectly good kegger to go play baseball in the dark?  Inside is where the booze is, ya dummies.

Then to close out the night they have a seance and the hot witch chick is all, I FEEL A PRESENCE, and we’re all like yeah, it’s the incoming cuckery.  Elliot’s all like, no psychics aren’t real and then she rolls her eyes up into her head and seizes out and I guess the seance is over because then John, the jacked and tanned friend, is all, let’s take her to my room and a few minutes later they’re fucking which is absolutely what you do with a girl who has had a mild seizure.  College parties, am I right?

Seriously though..  That was..  That was a lot to unpack.

Elliot is all trying to “cuddle” Sasha and she’s all “I LOVE YOU JOHN”.  Fucking sick burn girl, we got you.  And then Elliot gets all sad because John is getting laid and then he sees an evil hoodie hung in his bedroom and it becomes the Bye Bye Man, and then he gets scared and wakes up his girlfriend.  Look, for a thirty year old man, desperately trying to play a twenty year old man, you’re scoring around a twelve year old boy.

If my boyfriend ever woke me up because he’s “scared”, I would be very disappointed in him.  You’re a dude – just go throw beer bottles at your fears like a normal person.

Also, I’d like to point out, that this hoodie that becomes the Bye Bye Man, scares Elliot no less than 400 times in this film and at no point does he move it, or hang it in the closet or throw it on the floor.  He just leaves it there, so he can continue to be scared shitless by an American Apparel brand hoodie.

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the true face of horror:  capitalism and hipsters

Also, this party happens on like a Wednesday night, and I want to say by Thursday at 1pm, everyone in the house is fully believing in the Bye Bye Man.  Sasha or whatever is all “IM SICK” and then she just sort of wanders around in a fever state.  John takes the witch girl home and we get a weird scene of forced exposition where I guess it’s revealed that John’s dick doesn’t work and the witch girl is all “IM HUNGRY” which means Fuck me, and he’s all no girl you cray and then maggots fall out of her eyes.  I’ve been on bad Tinder dates too, I feel you.

Then Elliot is all “TO THE LIBRARY!” and he goes to learn more about the Bye Bye Man and the librarian is all, “girl let me tell you hwut”, and takes him to FILE 69..  no word of a fucking lie..  of all the plentiful and bountiful numbers in this world, FILE FUCKING 69 to get the skinny on the Bye Bye Man.

Seriously.  File 69.  Was it in aisle 420 in PEN15 library?

Who wrote this film?  Like, how did this pass go?

Anyways, they find an article written by the dude who went ham at the start of the film, and Elliot notices the Bye Bye Man chilling with him in the library.

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And then he leaves the library and phones the witch girl and she’s all, IM NOT GREAT and then he goes to pick her up and turns out she killed her roommate?  She says “I TOLD KATIE” about the Bye Bye Man, and the audience has no idea who Katie is, so the whole exchange is really weird.  Then the Bye Bye Man makes her see a car wreck and she leaps out to go “help” the people in the wreck and gets hit by a train which sort of sucks.

The police roll out and it turns out the local police chief is Trinity from the Matrix, played by Carrie-Ann “I gotta eat” Moss.

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John shows up and takes Sasha home and the lady cop is all “TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW” but no one really knows anything and it turns out the witch girl killed her room mate Katie and was planning to kill all these stupid people who knew about the Bye Bye Man in order to “stop the curse” which makes no sense, but sure.

Elliot gets questioned by the cops and goes home and sees his John fucking Sasha, but then he realizes he didn’t see that and he actually was being made to see that by the Bye Bye Man, or his brain shuts off like the robots in Westworld.

IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE ANYTHING TO ME.

Sasha is also like, “I’ve been drawing”, and shows Elliot this little gem:

jesusfuck

Why he didn’t kill her right there, I will never know.

Sasha is holding a post it note with some information about the woman who owned the furniture in the house and sold it to their landlord in some variety of haunted garage sale and Elliot is all, ITS 2AM, better go over there, so he heads out and shows up at this old lady’s house and turns out she’s the wife of the dude who went apeshit at the start (and also Faye Dunaway) and she’s all – YOU WANT MY ADVICE KID, KILL EVERYONE WHO KNOWS AND THEN KILL YOURSELF, you suck anyways.  And then Elliot realizes that if he doesn’t believe in the Bye Bye Man, then nothing can hurt him?  I don’t know, it’s fucking dumb as hell.

He runs home to help his friends and finds John and Sasha attempting to kill the shit out of each other and he’s all NOOO DONT, and they’re all WHATEVER man, and he tries to break it up and ends up killing John, but then oh shit, he actually ends up killing Sasha because the Bye Bye Man made him think Sasha was John.

And then he’s all sad or whatever and the Bye Bye Man shows up and rolls out with dog that looks like the dogs from the Silent Hill playstation games, but okay.

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And the Bye Bye Man is all, you need to kill your family, and then Elliot’s brother and niece shows up and Elliot barricades himself inside and blows his fucking brains out.

And the Bye Bye Man is I guess pissed off about it?

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John ends up surviving and it’s probably because he’s a beefy hunk.

Anyways, the point of this ramble is that nothing really happened in this film that made a whole lot of sense.

I feel like a concept that had little to no bearing on anything was stretched into a full length film when it didn’t need to be one, and that it really showed in the final product.  Here’s an example for you – when a painter is creating a great painting, the beginning sketches and the underpainting become the foundation on which the rest of the painting stands, and in this case, the underpainting was near to absent.

What is really a shame here too is that the concept was not entirely terrible.  The Bye Bye Man could have been good but I just don’t think there was enough there.  Doug Jones is a wonderful creature actor and he was really the only shining light in this film in that he did seem to be genuinely creepy, but the character designs for the Bye Bye Man seemed a little half assed – creepy dude in a hoodie?  Lame.

I’m partially convinced that we all froze to death in that theatre and this is all just a wild fever dream our brains conceived at the moment of death, but hey.

I dunno.  Go see this, I guess, but it’s not a good’er.  If you’ve got nothing better to do, it’s at least entertaining in that so bad it’s kinda funny way.

 

On that note, let’s say Bye Bye to the Bye Bye Man and never speak of this again.

 

 

 

 

 

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