Happy Holidays! I was going to say Merry Christmas but I don’t think you celebrate. Anyways I was writing in to you because I’m going to propose to my gf on Christmas morning… ring in her stocking, the whole bit.
Christmas is fucking stupid, but she’s super into it, you know? It’s always been her thing, and one time we went on a drive to look at Christmas lights and she gave me an HJ so I can’t complain too much.
Do you have any other ideas for what I could do to make the day extra special for her?
Nativity Nuptials in New Orleans
Hello Nativity Nuptials,
I do not engage in the celebration that is a bastardization of the great Viking tradition of Yule. So in this manner, I recognize your standard greeting of Happy Holidays.
As for your Christmas loving soon to be wife, who sounds awful by the way, have you thought of putting some mistletoe through your belt loops, just so she knows where to start smooching and you can make sure she has a really white Christmas all over her face.
Did you know that the reason mistletoe is used in modern Christmas celebrations? It is because in Norse paganism, Odhinn’s most beautiful son Baldr was slain by an arrow crafted of mistletoe. His death symbolizes the dying of the light that is celebrated around the midwinter solstice, and the Judeo-Christian perversion is just a slap in the face of a funeral for the most beautiful Baldr.
If my above mentioned advice as to the mistletoe belt buckle does not work, perhaps you could consider stabbing your good wife with some? Alternately you could drown her in a punchbowl of eggnog.
Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your love / potential felony advice queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.