Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Moist for Metal


Dear Varg,

My friend told me about this column and it’s crazy that you just hang out here and write this stuff.  I think it’s really cool and I’ve wanted to write in for a long time, but I haven’t been sure of what to ask.

My boyfriend Adam is an awesome dude and we’ve been dating for a few weeks but I’ve liked him for years, but I guess I was in the girl equivalent of the friendzone.  I’m not really metal or anything like that but I love metal guys.  long hair and all black clothes and leather jackets really turn me on so things have been working out great.

I started out trying to get into metal but I don’t think I get it.  I like your music because its not all screaming and it sounds okay when I’m drunk.

My boyfriend said he really likes DSBM, NSBM, ABM, RABM, SBM and just regular first wave BM.

A lot of the music I’ve tried to listen to is really scary and it has loud screaming and frightening lyrics and the guys in those bands looks super frightening to me.  I’ve been liking Sunbather by Deafheaven but I read that you don’t like them.

Did you have a recommendation of where I should start?

Moist for Metal in Minneapolis


Dear Moist for Metal,

Thank you good woman for writing in to my column.

Allow me to say that if you have offered your loins to a male and he is not receptive, I would declare him a false, but this appears to be a non issue.

However, you mention your good husband liking a lot of BM, and I must advise that if he is having many of these that perhaps he should look into an over the counter remedy called Immodium.  😉

As for the ‘frightening themes’ you speak of in black metal lyrics, I suggest to you good woman that if they are too upsetting that you should follow the advice of a song by an American ‘rapping’ recording artist known as the “Ice Cube” called “Go to Church” and the line that I am thinking should be most meaningful to you is,

“If you a scared motherfucker go to church”.

Best wishes,

Varg “Crunk-Juice” Vikernes

Be sure to E-Mail Varg with all your burning love advice queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

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