Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Knocking on the Back Door



okay so I’ve totally wanted to write in to your column with my question but I’ve been really embarASSed…  my boyf and i have been together for a few years now and since we live in a time of luscious derrieres and fake butts, my boyfriend is totally an ass man.  he’s been really riding my ass about trying anal and i always figured that was a one way street you know.

well we tried it the other night and it hurt so fuckin bad, it was like my asshole was screaming and he was creaming and things got weird.  when he was done mowing the lawn in my backyard, he pulled out and i guess there was shit on his dick because he started freaking out about it and screaming about how he could smell my shitter.

i didnt even like it and now i feel like hes got a complex about his shitty dick.  what do i do?

butt bandit in bakersfield


Dear Butt Bandit,

Good woman (I’m assuming), I must say that I thank you for writing in to my column with your anal query.  I must admit that I am not entirely an anal convert.  While there is nothing wrong with forcing a fleshy colonoscopy on a partner, I do not know that human fecal matter is arousing for anyone involved.

Primal testicle slapping sex acts always tend to come with an odor of sweat and genitals, but somehow a roadside rest stop toilet is not appealing.  Since your partner played the part of colonoscopy technician in this round, he is entirely to blame for “being able to smell your shitter” as you so delicately put it.

Since we are on the subject, it might be anally prudent of you to clean your rump to prevent any further fecal fuck-ups.  Are you aware of the practice of colonic irrigation (commonly known as the enema)?  The Ancient Egyptians invented the practice and it involved standing in a river with a reed in your rump in order to literally and figuratively “get the evil out”.  As to the sanitation surrounding putting running river water into your anus, I am unable to comment.  However, this practice is well known for its benefits surrounding not only a clean anal cavity, but also clear skin and a heightened immune system.

In a time when many of us have McDonalds rotting away in our anuses, we could all benefit from taking our caboose through the car wash once in a while.  

Let me know how this goes for you.

Varg “Tootin'” Vikernes

Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your butt stuff related questions and you may see your questions featured in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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