Netflix Canada just dumped a whole bunch of horror movies on us, and because im awful I’d seen almost all of them already except for this little ditty. So the DIAG crew decided to get some beers and give this thing a go because whatever else are we supposed to do on our Saturday nights? Leave the house and interact with people? no thank you.
Remember Jeremy Sisto? I do for some reason though I cant really pinpoint anything I’ve seen him in other than that horror movie May and Clueless. Anyways, he’s still alive I guess and he was in this. I also got mocked and booed for saying he’s bangable. But in my defense, he’s got an unremarkable face and a dad bod! my two weaknesses.
So Jer Bear and his wife, who you will all remember as Lori “wheres Carl?” Grimes from the walking dead, live in India with their family for SOME REASON. At no point did they ever explain why this super white family is living in India, not even a throw away line of dialogue like “I know you miss living in the states, but my job with the embassy brought me here” is mentioned. The only reason they set this in India is either A) its much cheaper to film a movie there or B) they needed a foreign country that is full of different cultures and therefore scary. Most likely it was a combo of the two.
their clothes are different than my clothes!
Anyways, Jeremy and Lori “Horrible” Grimes have two kids. Or should I say they HAD two kids. Because Lori used her remarkable driving skills that she learned in The Walking Dead (seriously girl, how are you hitting a zombie on an entirely empty highway and flipping a car????) and fired her family sedan directly into a body of water causing her son to drown. She’s pretty upset about this and she laments it to her housekeeper who of course knows of a mysterious and forbidden ritual where you can go out to this temple in the middle of nowhere India and perform a ritual and you can totally yuk it up with your dead loved one. The only catch is, you can only talk to them through a door and if you open it then you blew it big time because guess what? now you’re haunted.
Lori “I banged my husbands bestie” Grimes is all aboard and im sure nothing can possibly go wrong! So step one in this process is to dig up the corpse of her son and then burn it, and then put the ashes in this jar and bring it to the haunted temple. This sounds like a very irritating Silent Hill puzzle. She goes to the temple and hears her son through the other side of the door and like a big dumb idiot she opens it. You absolute moron. She doesn’t see anything though, and shes like “ok well that went well” and returns home to her family. And Jeremy is NOT IMPRESSED! Because apparently she just took off for 2 days and didn’t tell anyone where she was going. Haunted by the burden of guilt brought on by your inability to save your drowning child so in an act of desperation you use his ashes to contact him in the spirit world or not, that’s just bad manners.
She insist that shes all good to go now and celebrates her new found lease on life by boning her husband. Missionary style. The hottest of all the positions.
The next day the family is enjoying the haunted child free air. OR ARE THEY. In very rapid succession everything in their house goes bananas. The plants die, the birds die, Jeremy Sisto continues to bloat, their soda goes flat, it’s a real nightmare all around. Lori “Mother of the Year” Grimes seems to be kinda whatever to this until she finds the stuffed tiger that her kid was buried with and she puts two and two together and discovers her dead child is haunting them. and she’s HYPED and decides to spend time with her new ghost child by reading books to him and playing the piano with him. Everything’s pretty hunky dory despite the ominous signs of death and the fact that a religious cult keeps showing up and praying outside the house. Oh India! You are so crazy!
The one and only thing this movie had going for it was the super cool monster design of one of the demons in it, which I think was created by someone on the production team drinking Nyquil and playing Dark Souls. It was LEGIT.
I should also remind you at this point that Lori “I’m a big dumb idiot and the entire farm plotline of season two sucked even though It wasn’t directly my fault” Grimes has another ALIVE child that is also being \haunted by her dead brother. I have a sibling, I get it, you always want what your brother or sister has. Like when I was young my older brother had a super cool Egon from Ghostbusters action figure and when you squeezed the legs together the top of his head would pop up and I was so jealous of it I would always try to steal it and he always caught me and never let me play with. So yes, I understand why you would want to use your newfound evil supernatural powers bestowed upon you by the powers of the Indian underworld to possess your sister and live again through her. I totally get it.
So around this time, their housekeeper is starting to think something is up and is all “Lori you ignorant slut did you open that dang door when I told you not to??” and Lori is all “maaaaaybe”
So the housekeeper decides the only way to get rid of the spirit is by burning all of his stuff. Also a great way to get over a breakup. The kid is not impressed that this housekeeper is burning all his Yu Gi OH cards and decides to drown her. Solid choice I say, what if he had a blue eyes white dragon card?? She deserves it. Lori is all “ruh roh” and decides to finish the job and Jeremy is all “MY STUFF!” and starts freaking out at her, and the little girl is fully possessed by her dead brother at this point (way to follow through little guy!) and the religious cult that was hanging out earlier showed up to murder them all. What a day.
Jeremy locks Lori “my dying wish is that you please don’t name my baby Judith” Grimes up and tries to figure out what to do what with his terrible family when his possessed kid gutshanks him with a kitchen knife. Snitches get Stitches Jeremy, Snitches get Stitches. The cult is closing in because theres only 15 minutes left in the movie and they need to catch a bus, so they bust in and start prepping to kill the little girl, Lori shows up and she’s all “take me instead!” and then she gets possessed. There was so much possession going on it was nuts and also confusing. The cult decides they came all this way and SOMEONE has gotta die so they kill the now possessed Lori “seriously, wheres Carl? Is he in the yard?” Grimes and peace out. Well that takes care of that! OR DOES IT. Lori wakes up infront of the temple from earlier with Jeremy talking to her on the other side of the door. WHAT A TWIST. And then the movie just ends. OR DOES IT. It does.
Final thoughts:
-Have you ever moved to India for a nondescript reason?
-Have you ever spoken to a dead one through the door of an evil temple?
-how did Jeremy know about that temple if the housekeeper died before telling him about it?
-How is the walking dead still on the air?
-I hate it but I cant stop watching it
-free me
-Rigby (@rigbot)