SYMPATHETIC “HEY THERE”, EASILY VAPORIZABLE LIVESTOCK!
Alright, we’re back heavy into the music today but I want to make one thing very clear;
Today, is all about the ladies.
Let me set the stage for you.
A pair of crimson silk curtains part, revealing a bathrobe, body oil, a massage table, and Gianno. He’s unnaturally jacked, and hairy. You can tell the extent of this because he is shirtless, in sweet dad jeans. He ushers you in with a gentle word in his native tongue.
“COME O’HERE, TOTS. I RUBBA YOU BAWDY REEEAL GOOD, OH YEEEAAH!”
He whips his open palms against his forested abdomen in an attempt to make a “sexy sound”.
Ah, right. Gianno is from Brooklyn, my bad. Anyway he has to stay because of this thing that Theo “A Fucking Tricorn For A Hat” Salpinski tolds me I wasn’t ‘spose to say nones abouts. Let’s get right deep down into it. Go ahead and make yourselves uncomfortable and let Bear be your bard for lil bit.
This week it’s all about dat girl power. Women in rock and roll have been killing it FOREVER, and were even seen as heavily inferior when it came to marketability to many record labels after the surge of 70’s girl-groups. Not very many people were willing to sign a bunch of girls unless they were “edgy” or “could keep up with the boys”. Dumbest thing you’ve ever heard right? “Keep up with the boys”, my ass. Plenty of the women I’ve met nuke men out of the water, musically. Need proof? 1983.
Acid – No Time
Vocalist Kate D. Lombaert has such a discernable voice. It’s kind of like your aunt who only smokes slim cigarettes, the one with that fucking bitch of a cat that just shits fucking everywhere. Just the best amount of rasp without losing tonality. If you aren’t on board from that alone, take into account the era and singing about satan, sex, and heavy metal. Ripping solos across the board, real speed rock guitar riffs. I bet if Ozzy had stumbled into whatever tiny dive bar Acid had been playing at the time, they would have been on tour with him faster than he was shovelling blow into his nose back then.
“You do coke, I smoke weed. I get the munchies, pass out. You stay up with nose bleeds”. (Cage -You We’re Sh*t In Highschool)
And there was not one band as good as Acid, no-no-no, child. Vixen, Velvet Viper, Doro, Madam X, Holy Moses, Plasmatics, Meanstreak, and plenty of others went through gender bias out the wazoo in their time. Can you really imagine someone walking up to Dio and asking “What is like being a man in the metal industry”? Yet through that eternal bludgeoning, they continue to emerge from the woodwork, putting out albums of easily superior quality to many of their dick-ed counterparts.
Huntress – Spectra Spectral/Alpha Tauri
Unfortunately, some people are whack and like to upload songs in couplettes so here are two Huntress songs for the price of one! Admittedly, I’m pretty much down as soon as a band start singing about space. Let all take a moment to mentally google maps ourselves away from whatever minuet place we are reading this in and just zoom out. Your computer, or couch, or bus, or wherever you read this from and the roll back to your home, and then a city block in each direction, now your whole city, now as far as the next nearest town, and just keep going out as slow as you can until you hit Earth. We are not even the equivalent of a hair in comparison to our planet alone, and our planet is one of the smallest ones in our solar system. WE ARE ANTS. Huntress on the other hand, are giants. If you can handle covering a Judas Priest song and have it still be listenable not just for nostalgia, you are KILLING IT. By far one of the best ranges on any hard rocking lady out there, Jill Janis is an absolutely viper behind the mic. 41, operatically trained, and a total bombshell. (And according to this other thing I just found, also a topless DJ apparently!) Huntress has three studio albums, all of great quality with solid consistency, like having when you eat lots of sawdust.
In the spirit of all you single and ready to mingle gals out there, I’ve got four similarly named ladies for you to have a night out with; The Donnas.
The Donnas – Too Bad About Your Girl
Obviously those are the stage names, BUT NONETHELESS. After previously forming several other projects, with very minimal line-up changes, The Donnas were more or less rushed into a record label after doing a Japanese tour in their senior year of highschool, where they ended up on Atlantic Records in 2001. The following year they released “Spend The Night”. I definitely had it on my ipod shuffle as an 12 year-old, that glorified versiom of a thumbdrive. (512mb, bitches…) It’s the kind of album you put on for a road trip with four dudes when you don’t have “Nothing But A Good Time – Poison”. Dirty denim shaking rock.
AND PAST THAT, I have one more caramel audio morsel to put into your ears.
Christian Mistress – Haunted Hunted
Dual guitars to the face, and an actual audible bass. More than once you’ll probably find yourself saying, “that’s about what I expected”, well sit there and be wrong in your wrongness. This song especially is filled with banger transitions and thoughtfully composed cuts and riffs. Christian Mistress has a crazy gumbo pot of blues, rock and roll, and dooooooom stewing, and you shouldn’t be sleeping on them, or any of these other mentions.
AND THUSLY, REMEMBER LADIES, You are probably three times harder than at least I am. You can kick anyone who thinks you aren’t square in the shaded area of their cargo pants. You have been mistreated for a very long time and anyone who says you don’t deserve to have fun, probably just isn’t much fun, so get out there and know that every day above the dirt is a good one.
Oh? Gianno says “Your worldly value is how you value yourself, everything else is someone else’s perception.” Thanks, G. You can let go of my shoulder any time now.
*murmurs*
Gianno also says that pro-life is an out-dated torture modicum that degrades the value of female life.
Huh. I guess he turned out to be pretty cool after all. Trim up though, bud. You look like you ruptured a vat of glue that carried you into a wig factory.
That’s all for me, plague targets. Winter be’eth nary but a month away, so drive safe. See you next week for the most important Holiday of all!
~ BEAR