Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Getting Wood


Hey Varg

How’s it going dude, I really like this column and stuff.  I had a bit of a weird question for you because lately I’ve been down on my luck.

My girlfriend dumped me, my car is a piece of shit, I don’t have any pets but I’m sure they would hate me, I don’t have any ambition and all I like doing is drinking and going to karaoke until I get thrown out for trying to sing “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” for the fifth time.

The only time I was ever really happy is when I used to live out in a little cabin out in the forest with my grandmother.  I don’t know what to do, I feel like maybe I should kill myself.

Cabin Fever in Calabogie


Dear Cabin Fever,

Thank you very much for writing in to my column  with your current concerns.  While it sounds like you may have some concurrent health issues such as a blossoming addiction to singing off key and also possibly to alcohol, I think that there is a larger issue at hand for you.

The modern man is not meant for a life within a city and the intense longing to return to Viking style life of living amongst the woods, being one with the land is preternaturally strong in many of us.  It seems like you long for a moment when life was simple and nature would surround you.  It is not always feasible to recommend for one to simply drop their life and go to off the grid living – I, myself, have to purchase food from supermarkets and have been not entirely able to move towards self sufficiency.

Shedding aspects of the Judeo-Christian capitalist world can be helpful and in your case, changing your mindset about your current situation.  If you think of the busy streets as trails in the wood, then any house you live in can become a tree, and each tree a part of the urban jungle, the urban forest.  

If you are feeling sporting, you could even build a campfire within your home.  Floorboards are made of wood and fires need wood to burn, and it will help give you a rustic feeling of coziness.

Best wishes,

Varg Vikernes

Be Sure to E-Mail Varg with all your love advice questions and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

One response to “Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Getting Wood

  1. Mister Vikersen, ( if you should know me personal or we have been Friends trough thick and thin i’ll rather opened with hey Varg!,but i don’t think you are aware of my existance at all haha) i’m deeply touched by this answer you give to this Guy,thank you anyway, for the contribution you have added to the collective mind of Mankind troughout your live, respect.

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