Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Thanksgiving Turkey

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Dear Varg,

Hey, I love your column.  I’m an American transplant living in Toronto and I’m still getting used to things in Canada.  My boyfriend and his family invited me to spend Thanksgiving with them and I’m still getting used to the concept being held so early in Canada.  I’ve been living with my boyfriend and his two friends..  living in a house full of guys has been kinda fun ya know..  no drama.  Everyone’s okay with being mega gross.

Anyways, my boyfriend has been gunning to get me into a four way with his friends and after dinner this weekend they said they were hoping they could stuff me like the Thanksgiving turkey I am and that I would really enjoy the gravy.

What should I do?

Love,

Tenderized Turkey in Toronto

**********************************

Dear Tenderized Turkey,

Good woman, I offer you my most sincere congratulations on moving to the country of the Great Frozen North.  I have never been to this Canada, but I have heard that it is a nice place with people who are diplomats who enjoy flannel and moosemeat.

As for your dilemma on stuffing, I wish to impart to you a secret.

The stuffing tends to make the meal, and is a traditional dressing served with hot meat.

Did you know that in pre-Christian Viking times the stuffing recipes of families were handed down through the maternal hands of the great chefs in the family?  Very much like a seasoned cast iron cooking pan.

I wish to share with you my favourite recipe for stuffing and you can feel free to adapt it to your situation.

  • 1 loaf of day old French bread cut or torn into cubes
  • 1 cup walnuts (roasted chestnuts or macadamia nuts are also very good)
  • 2 cups chopped onion
  • 2 cups chopped celery
  • 6 Tbsp of fine hand churned butter
  • 1 green apple, peeled, cored, and chopped to pieces like men who cruise parks when Faust is out for a walk 😉
  • 3/4 cup of raisins
  • 5-10 chopped green olives
  • 1 cup of turkey stock
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
  • 1 teaspoon ground sage
  • Salt and freshly ground pepper

Make your stock by taking the turkey heart and gizzard and putting them into a pan with water and salt and simmering them for about an hour.  Strain your stock and set aside.

Toast the walnuts/chestnuts (but be sure to not get your boys too burnt 😉 ) by heating them in a frying pan on medium high heat for a few minutes, stirring until the nuts are browned.    As the nuts cool down, tear up your french bread like the faces of your enemies.

Melt 3tbsp of your finest hand churned butter into your saucepan and add the bread cubes and allow the bread to toast firmly.

In a large Dutch oven (my wife is not a fan), sauté chopped onions and celery on medium high heat with the remaining 3 Tbsp butter until cooked through.  Add your apple, raisins, olives, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme and one cup of your homemade turkey stock.  Add your salt and pepper.  Not too salty.

Cover your brew and turn the heat to low and cook for an hour.  Check often.

I am not the one who is skilled at making gravy in my household so you will have to come up with your own recipe for this situation.

Enjoy your meal!

Love,

Varg the Veal Viscount Vikernes

 

 

Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your burning love and cooking advice questions and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

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