Cabin Fever (2016)

Have you ever had a sudden moment of clarity where you think “I am getting old and theres nothing I can do about it” I certainly have. I had two this week, once when my 19 year old co worker said “wow that’s old” when he found out I was 30, and again when I saw the remake of “Cabin Fever” pop up on my Netflix. I was surprised because I thought the original didn’t really come out that long ago. I then googled it, and discovered it came out in 2002. I am old.

So now that I’m dead inside and facing my mortality by drinking wine straight out of the bottle while watching Netflix in my pajamas, why not review this turd?

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Oh boy is this ever a movie.

I assume everyone is somewhat familiar with the plot of this movie, but if not its essentially a bunch of people in a cabin who get a flesh eating virus from tainted water.

The movie opens with some White People ™ going on a trip to a cabin, they of course stop at that same creepy gas station that’s in every single horror movie ever, and wouldn’t you know it? The locals are WEIRD. I, for one, am shocked. One of the guys decides to shake hands with a decidedly creepy child that’s sitting infront of the store. The child then bites him on the hand, as you do. The kids dad comes out and he’s all “my child bites but you can wash your hand off on my groady ass faucet out back” seems sanitary. The gang just sorts of shrugs off this completely insane interaction and head off to the cabin. Upon entering the cabin, one of the guys has this to say

“No internet? No weed? No GTA V? no Black Ops 2? No Stimpy? No Minecraft? No weed???”

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First of all, why the fuck didn’t you bring your own weed?? Who just shows up at a rented cabin and is all “oh what the fuck they gave us clean towels but no blunts??” Secondly, Black Ops 2 came out like 3 years before GTA V and a third one has been released since. What kind of whack ass videogame line up is this dude playing? He’s gotta stop smoking found complimentary weed at hotels.

They didn’t bring game consoles, but they did bring a semi automatic rifle. AMERICA.

Anyways, then one of the girls goes out and takes pictures of the lake and a guys like “um why not just enjoy it” I fucking hate this bullshit. I don’t know anyone who on their deathbed will say “my only regret is taking too many photos of my loved ones and cherished memories” god damn it. Who gives a shit. Get infected by the flesh eating virus already!!!

So anyways, in the meantime, the videogame loser is fucking around in the woods pretending he’s in a game, only with a real, fully functional and loaded semi auto. And guess what? He fucking shoots a random guy in the woods. This guy is hella fucked up with the flesh eating virus and things are going poorly. He just leaves the dude in the woods though and later that night the gang are all yukking it up around the campfire before a guy appears with his dog and a huge bag of weed. I should mention that this remake is almost a shot for shot remake of the original, and this entire scene was include in both films, but its really terrible and the comedy and absurdity of it falls flat in the remake. Mainly because Eli Roth and his delivery of the amazing line of dialogue “yeah he’s a professor….of being a dog!!” is absent.

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After the campfire they retire to the cabin, where the guy Triggerfinger Mcfuckhands shot earlier appears in the door and begs for help before attempting to steal their jeep, and then burning to death after Triggerfinger Mcfuckhands accidently shoots out their gas tank. I have spent a lot of time at my family cabin with the DIAG crew and this has only happened to us twice. Very unbelievable.

The mayonnaise camping crew is pretty upset over this and decide to get help in the morning. One of the girls canoes over to a neighbouring campsite to I guess ask for some of those huge garbage bags to scoop the body into? Meanwhile the rest of the gang hang out at the cabin and drink tainted lake water. For real though, the plumbing in the cabin is a pipe that just straight up leads out of the wall into the lake. This…this is not how cabins work and is a very good way to get beaver fever. IM CANADIAN, LOOK IT UP.

Two of the other morons head into town to find a mechanic and on the way find a gigantic woman slaughtering a pig in an empty barn before she says “tell Marie I cant eat this!” and shoves a handful of I assume rotten pig guts in their faces. Who the fuck is Marie? What the fuck is going on? Am I having a stroke? Who can say for sure.

The woman invites them to her house and then they have a super awkward encounter that doesn’t really further the plot but does reinforce the trope of SMALL TOWNS ARE WEIRD.

Meanwhile, a super foxy local sheriff shows up to the cabin and she’s all “so I couldn’t help but notice you have a fucked up jeep covered in blood here” and she’s super weird about it, literally says “I bet you like to party. I bet you like to party with the ladies” to one of the guys, asks nothing about the tremendous amount of blood covering the entire area, then leaves. The dog from the campfire shows up and acts crazy but one of the girls shoots the ground and scares him off and then says “you’re not the only gamer” when questioned on her shooting skills. As someone who has fired an actual gun, this is not how it works. Videogame skills don’t translate into the real world. I was pretty good at parkour in “Mirrors Edge”, yet I almost fell down my own stairs today.

So one of the chicks has just been sucking down the tainted lake water and now she’s making out with one of the guys, he then fingerblasts her and a bunch of goo and blood come off on his hands. How embarrassing! Everyone runs in the room and just sort of gapes at her gross fucked up vag before declaring her infected and locking her in her room. I remember my first period too.

I feel so fresh and delicate

I feel so fresh and delicate

She escapes out of the room and she’s all “I need midol and a Nicolas Sparks movie! Also my guts are falling out” so they shove her out in the shame barn until she’s done menstruating and/or dying. The rest of the gang just kinda wander around in the dark woods trying to find this fucked up infected dog that keeps popping up. Though I thought this was tedious, My dog really enjoyed it because he thought there was a tiny barking dog trapped in the TV.

Everyone returns to the cabin after their various adventures and it’s a pretty sour atmosphere. The remaining girl is like “soo anyone hungry?” which I appreciated because I feel like eating is just the best solution to any problem. Before they can decide on an appy platter they look out the window and see that crazy ass dog barking at the shame shed they shoved their friend into. Again, my dog was a huge fan of this scene.

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whoa! Two dogs doing it!

The next morning the gang checks on their friend and she’s not doing so hot. But hey good news! The Jeep is working so they can leave! Oh but bad news, triggerfinger nerd is infected! Too bad you cant use mana or whatever the fuck those herbs were in Resident Evil in real life you fucking dweeb. He takes off alone in the jeep and leaves everyone back at the cabin. One of the guys grabs 12 beers and peaces out to a barn to get drunk. Solid plan.

So now we’ve got nerdlinger in the jeep, dude getting wasted in a dirty old barn, a girl on her rag, and two normies left in the gang. What a wild weekend.

Nerdlinger makes it back to the gas station at the beginning of the film and the kid bites him while saying Pancakes repeatedly. I’m honestly so glad they added this is the movie because it was one of the best parts of the original. The kids dad is hella pissed about it and him and his gang of yokels decide to murder all the kids because they’re infected. This is legit a good idea. I would have taken it more seriously if it didn’t come from a 400 pound man wearing overalls, but hey here we are.

Back at the cabin, the remaining girl decides to have a bubble bath and shaves her leg hair and/or skin off because guess what? She’s infected too! They say girls that hang out together a lot synch up their periods so maybe the same goes for horrific flesh eating viruses. Oh also, her tit fell off. She stumbles outside and comes face to face with the infected dog who proceeds to attack and eat her before being gunned down by one of the guys. My dog did not enjoy this scene as much.

I feel so fresh and delicate

TALK ABOUT A CASE OF THE MONDAYS

The first girl is somehow still alive in the shame shed and begs for death so one of the dudes kills her by bludgeoning her face with a fucking shovel, which only manages to rip her jaw open so he follows it up by dousing her in gas and then lighting her on fire. Are you serious guy??? Just fucking choke her to death or smother her with a pillow. Jesus Christ man. Please let it be known that if I ever beg for death from any of you I don’t want the word “savage blow” or “blunt force” to be in the vocab of the coroner doing my autopsy.

The yokels show up and shoot the nerd but then are gunned down by one of the dudes. OH SO YOU HAD A GUN BUT YOU USED GAS AND A SHOVEL, WHAT A HERO. He leaves the cabin, finds the yokels truck and takes off. He discovers his hand is infected and is so upset by the revelation he drives straight into a tree, wanders out into the forest, gets lost, and dies. He died like he lived: nameless and dumb.

The next day the dude leave his drunk barn and discovers everyone dead or missing. He understandably upset that his friends are dead and he’s out of beer but he’s even more pissed when he gets shot in the neck by that foxy cop from earlier. Mondays! Am I right?

So there we have it. We watched the Cabin Fever remake. Had some laughs, drank a bottle of wine, it was a great time all around. This movie was not as good as the original, it had a lot of the same scenes but it lacked the original charm and WTFness of the first one. I give it 1 gross vag out of 5

Final Thoughts:

– would you choose to play Black Ops 2 over Black Ops 3?

– have you ever had an embarrassing fingerblasting faux pas?

– would you drink tainted lake water if you were like, super duper thirsty?

– I might

– I get thirsty easily

– Rigby (@rigbot)

Jimmies rustled? Wanna fight about it? Let us know why below!

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