So I wanted to right you and say that I like this column a lot, and I think you are pretty funny. I am hoping you could give me some advice. My exboyfriend is a loser I guess and he’s kind of been ever since before we broke up. I broke up with him because I couldn’t handle how gross he was, he stopped bathing and as a result we stopped having sex. His underwear smelled like old corn chips and it was seriously fucking DISGUSTING. He calls me a lot and I want things to be civil between us because I don’t wish him any ill will and hope he finds something to make him happy in life.
Here’s where it gets kinda weird..
I’m not interested in getting back together with him. After we broke up, I ended up realizing that I’m a lesbian and I’ve been secretly dating a woman. She asked me to move in with her and I said yes and I don’t want to tell my ex because I’m scared he will fly off the handle and stop bathing and get kicked out of the house he lives in, or pack his bag and hit the road and wander into the woods like that guy from that movie Into the Wild.
The potential guilt of having my exboyfriend die in the forest while I’m at home enjoying having my rug munched by my girlfriend would really ruin my good time.
What should I do?
Lady Lover in Los Angeles
Dear Lady Lover
First of all, I thank you, good woman, for writing in to my column and here I must ask you – what do you have against corn chips? They are delicious and a wonderful gift from our friends in the Orient, or at least I assume they’re from the Orient, they do love their corn. Or is it rice? I cannot be bothered to waste any time on researching the grain preferences of our yellow friends.
Anyways, whether or not your ex-husband wishes to make a bad choice based on an otherwise excellent movie has nothing to do with you as you have chosen to take another lover. Are you familiar with the film soundtrack that the extremely talented American recording artist Eddie Vedder supplied? I recommend here that you leave your former flame to his own devices and if he chooses to go spend some time in a van in Alaska before dying in a sleeping bag, so be it. You have no need to worry here, as you will be miles away enjoying home renovation projects with your new good wife. Are you replacing all the rugs in your home? I suggest a good wood laminate over a linoleum. Your local home renovations shop will be able to provide you with the assistance you will need.
Best of luck on your ex husband’s camping trip, and your new home DIY adventures.
Varg “Veneer or Varnish” Vikernes
Be sure to E-Mail Varg with all your burning love advice queries about the burning in your pants and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.