Walk of Shame Wednesday: Tom Hiddleston

Oh greetings little friendship friends.  Well, it’s been a while since we have released new full time columns for your fuckery and praises, so here’s the new DIAG baby that’s been being batted around lately.  It’s finally been birthed out of the beer soaked genitals of the DIAG crew…..

WALK OF SHAME WEDNESDAY.

So what is Walk of Shame Wednesday you might ask?  Well.  The concept was born out of the fact that we all love to check shape on the people in the talking box in our living room.  There’s whole websites devoted to the tits and ass of actresses in genre films, so we figured it was time to even the playing field a little bit and add some cock and balls to the mix.

Now, before you meninists get to blogging and spilling your Code Red Mountain Dew on yourselves at the thought of a woman objectifying a man…  Here’s a quote from Chris Pratt:

“A huge part of how my career has shifted is based simply on the way that I look, on the way that I’ve shaped my body to look,” said Pratt, adding that he felt “totally objectified”.

“I think it’s OK, I don’t feel appalled by it,” he continued. “I think it’s appalling that for a long time only women were objectified, but I think if we really want to advocate for equality, it’s important to even things out.

“Not objectify women less, but objectify men just as often as we objectify women. There are a lot of women who got careers out of it, and I’m using it to my advantage. And at the end of the day, our bodies are objects. We’re just big bags of flesh and blood and meat and organs that God gives us to drive around.” – Chris Pratt

While I’m not going to comment about the “god” part of the above quote, let’s get serious…  we all like to ogle and I am a serial ogler.  Fassbender’s dick, Beyonce’s booty..  it’s all fair game.

So let’s get weird and get this Walk of Shame started.

So, since I tend to talk about him a lot, let’s dive into the inaugural Walk of Shame Wednesday with everyone’s favourite fuckboy:  Tom Hiddleston.

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Tom Hiddleston is known for playing Loki in the Marvel Universe, a broody vampire in Jim Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive, and also for playing Sir Thomas Sharpe in Guillermo Del Toro’s spectacularly beautiful and spectactularly mismarketed Crimson Peak.  We all loved Crimson Peak, but let’s get real..  that movie was marketed as a horror movie, and the only thing horrifying about it was how much Tom Hiddleston looked like he needed a blood transfusion.

I’ve liked Tom Hiddleston’s face since I first saw him in the Thor movies.  He is the perfect beta to Chris Hemsworth’s Thor and his sickly and pale portrayal of Loki is spot on in the first film.  Fangirls for the Marvel universe quickly got ahold of Hiddleston’s Loki fuckboy image, and much fuckery has happened on the interwebs since then and now Loki is a much masturbated to frenzy.  His follow up roles in Thor: The Dark World and The Avengers left many a fan girl with her panties very moist indeed and Loki went from a minor villain character to almost friggin starring in the whole show.

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I googled “Loki porn” and this was one of the nicer images that came up.  YIKES

Girls do love a broody emo bastard, that much is true.

Following the fingerblasting, Tom Hiddleston treated the world to some abs in Jim Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive and many girls in the 15-35 range had to see their physicians for advanced cases of carpal tunnel and orders of vibrators on Amazon went through the goddamn roof.

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CHRIST

While I certainly liked his portrayal of broody ass vampire Adam in Only Lovers Left Alive, I took issue with the fact that Tom Hiddleston seems to have found himself in a niche – the broody long haired vaguely goth dude.

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case in point

No one’s complaining, but I think the issue is that Hiddleston doesn’t necessarily see himself as a genre actor.  It’s widely known he auditioned to play Thor rather than Loki and let’s get serious..  he could have never been Thor.

His films that are not genre oriented tend towards the awful.  High Rise, I Saw The Light..  all valiant efforts but all kinda shitty.

I mean, I wanted to take him seriously in that I Saw The Light film but it was so laughably and cringe inducingly bad that it was pretty hard.

There’s a line in the film Art School Confidential where an art professor played by John Malkovich says, “he is trying to do something that is impossible:  sing in his own voice using someone else’s vocal chords” and I feel very much that this is true about the Hiddles.  He’s entirely fuckable as a gothed up dork, but too much of a try hard when he tries to be the golden boy.

His much lauded and laughed at romance with Taylor Fucking Swift of all people can be summed up in the following visual aid:

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Ryan Reynold’s face says it all.

 

With this all in mind – dear Hiddles..  just accept it.  Dye your hair black, pierce your nipple and buy some leather pants.  NOW.

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LOKI OF ASS GUARD

Same way that Daniel Radcliffe will always be Harry Potter, and Kit Harrington will always be John Snow..  Just allow the dorky gothness to wash over you.  Allow it to fill your soul with doom and gloom and Dead Can Dance CDs.

I’m never too old to want to see a sickly looking goth boy take off his gear and bounce that dick.

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For real though, what the fuck is with Hiddleston – he always either looked like a sunburnt old leather handbag or an anemic TB patient from a Charles Dickens novel in desperate need of iron pills, liver and onions and a blood transfusion.

 

Anyways, I give the Hiddles 4 blood transfusion and smeared eyeliner pencils out of 5.  Would bang 10/10.

Jimmies rustled? Wanna fight about it? Let us know why below!

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