Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Fall-ing in Love

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Hey Varg

Cool column.  Dude, I’ve got a question for you.  It’s not a big deal or anything, but my girlfriend is super into fall..  I mean, I guess all broads are kinda into the season, but my girlfriend is front and center, the leaves change color and she loses her shit..  she’s bought several dozen pumpkin spice lattes already and has hung up all the Halloween decorations and is currently making our costumes for Halloween.  I’m cool with getting drunk and eating a lot of candy, and shes going as Harley Quinn this year with some sequin undies crammed up her ass, so that’s cool, but there’s a point you know..  I caught her searching google for pumpkin spice personal lubricant and I don’t know what to do.

Fall-ing for Fall in Ft. Worth

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Dear Fall-ing,

Thank you for complimenting this little column of mine.  It is not so much, but it is a great joy for me to write.  Little in life brings me joy; the feel of a new pair of camo pants fresh from the army surplus shop against my pale white Aryan skin, the anguished despair on Euronymous’s face when he knew he was going to die by my hand, the soft touch of my beautiful wife, and this column are truly the only things in this world that bring to me any glad tidings.

As for your dilemma with your good wife, I was not entirely sure what you meant by “broads” loving “fall”, but after some preliminary googling, I believe that you are correct.  My own good wife seems to become a little more lively during the Fall season as Samhain grows nearer.  Did you know that Samhain is the ancient pagan equivalent of Halloween?  A night to celebrate the veil between this world and the after being it’s very thinnest, a time of reflection on the lives of our ancestors lived, to harvest our food, and prepare for the hardship of grim winter.  Did you also know that it is pronounced “Sow-wayne” and not “Sam-Hane”?  There was some confusion that began in the early 1980s with an American recording artist by the name of ‘Danzig’.  He is unaware that he sounds very foolish.

Since this may be of little interest to you in the regards of your sexual life with your wife, might I suggest simply for you to accept this behaviour from your sweet woman?  Fall is the time for the harvest and since your lovely lady seems keen to make her pudenda smell like a pumpkin, might I suggest you get to harvesting that booty?  We can call you Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater ;-).

Love,

Varg Vikernes.

 

Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your strange and burning love advice questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

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